It’s 3 am
The world is at its quietest
You’re sound asleep in your bed unaware of how much I’m missing you
I heard the series of voice notes you sent me the other day
It made me feel happy,even if it was just for a few seconds
I was happy,I haven’t been happy since you left
Without a word,without a smile and without an explanation
I would have liked to say that I loved you
But I didn’t
I don’t.
You were just familiar to me
Your voice gave me chills
Your laugh made me smile even at the hardest of times
Your hug gave me warmth
But
I didn’t love you
You were just familiar faces
Someone told me you’ve moved on
That you’re dating a guy now
He makes you happy
He isn’t as awkward as I am
He takes you out
To him coming to meet you doesn’t mean crossing a freaking lake
Someone asked me a question the other day
They asked me what my story was
How could i tell them that my story is only half written
How it’s a series of unrequited love
Several instances of hurt
Days and nights of endless tears
How can I tell them about you
The awkward girl with self confidence issues
The one whose voice lights up my day
How a a shitty day gets better with just one text
How everything around reminds me of you
How I’ve stopped hurting myself because you hated it
I still think about you
I still watch from a distance
I still think about “little spoon” and playful banter
I didn’t love you
I loved everything about you.
I’d like to say I’ve moved on now
It’s been 4 months since I last saw you
but all I can think about is how I wasn’t enough for you
How everything I did to make you happy just wasn’t worth it in the end
How you just left like I was nothing to you
I was scrolling through my messages and I came across an unopened one from you
It pained me to see your name on the screen
It’s like all the unanswered questions all came rushing back at once
All the why’s and how’s came up to the surfaces rushing out like my feelings
Like the tears threatening to fall on this paper
But me being an idiot,I decided to open it
You had finally apologised.
“I’m sorry for all I’ve done” you said
“It was wrong for me to tear you down
I know I hurt you bad but everyone makes mistakes”
I wish I had shut my phone or just deleted that message for had I known it would have hurt less
“I love you and I’m sorry please take me back” I could hear your voice crying in my head
You don’t know how hard it was for me to let you go
You were supposed to be in this audience cheering me on
“Write about me one last time you said”
So here you go “old buddy”
Here’s an ode to the one who broke me beyond repair"