#questioning journal

[shallowwatercreature]

Questioning process - Known feelings and experiences

Appearance

-flat, tadpole-like tail

-likely cryptic coloration for camouflage, probably not bright warning color

-I feel like a relatively small creature, smaller than a hand

Behaviour

-swimming just below the surface and gliding just above the sand at the bottom

-being out in the rain and damp weather

-crawling into small forest places, under rocks, between roots, through undergrowth in the woods

-climbing out of the water and onto shore, rocks, branches, etc.

Habitat

-slow moving or still water like ponds, lakes, streams, puddles

-somewhat humid but not like a rainforest

-plenty of soil, not very rocky terrain

Diet

-no specific food related shifts or feelings

-probably small invertebrates but the idea of eating bugs turns my stomach enough that I haven't thought about it

[shallowwatercreature]

Well, I've had this blog for a year and a half but I haven't made much progress figuring out this theriotype. At first I was going to settle for close enough and confirm some kind of newt, or newts in general.

I know I feel at home in the shallows, in the pond muck and among the water plants. I drag myself out of the water and onto the sun-warmed rocks and fallen trees. I swim with my limbs tucked close and my tail waving side to side and float above the bottom of the pond with my limbs splayed.

I look at the small ecosystems in water filled tire tracks and cracks in rock and feel as if I should be small enough to swim there.

I have questioned creatures like beavers, otters, various crocodilians, water moniters, giant salamanders, axolotls, mudskippers and various other creatures I forget the name of. I don't feel like I have teeth or a snout, or a mammalian tail or fur.

I feel like something tiny, living on the damp forest floor, but some part of myself really doesn't want to be. It would be so much easier, so much more comfortable in my body as something of a similar size. The feeling of my physical body being on a much larger scale than it feels like it should be causes such a deep discontent. I will never be as I should. It would be so much easier to blindly settle for a larger creature and avoid the unhappiness.

Maybe I'll pick up questioning research again and figure things out once and for all. Or maybe I'll accept a vague label, a shallow water creature, an amphibian of sorts, something semiaquatic.

[shallowwatercreature]

Questioning journal 2- being in water

Swimming sort of helps, but only in places like lakes or things like backyard pools. Public pools are much too crowded, too loud, with their square corners and smooth, pale tile. Lakes are best, as they have a natural incline, filled with a variety of natural aquatic landscape and creatures. I can swim or crawl through the shallows and float as I please in the deeper areas.

It also tends to cause mild species dysphoria, as I can’t swim by waving my tail and keeping my limbs close to my body. I must use my arms and legs to propel myself, I must swim with a human body.

I had hoped to visit a nearby lake to swim last summer, in an attempt to gather information and general feelings, but there was not time for it this year.

I tried baths as a form of connecting, as well as meditation. I would often have a candle lit that smells of my habitat, sounds of crickets, frogs and wind rustling the trees playing on my phone, occasionally a bath bomb to make the water a murky blue-green.

It didn’t help much, as the warm water was comfortable but felt nothing at all like the colder ponds, lakes and puddles. I would try lukewarm or cold water, but unless it’s summer or I have the heat cranked up, it would be too cold for comfort. It doesn’t help that the tub is shallow and much too small to sprawl out. I have to fold and tuck in my limbs, and even then I can’t be fully submerged. I have no tail and there is too much difference between my physical and non-physical form for them to line up properly. maybe that’s why I don’t get phantom shifts.

[shallowwatercreature]

Theriotype questioning journal part 1

I’ve made a bit of progress toward figuring out this theriotype, but only just a bit. I first started questioning around summer 2021 and I have since narrowed it down from “semi-aquatic animal” to “semi-aquatic reptile or amphibian.”

Recently I realized that this theriotype is psychological in origin, likely due to multiple things from my childhood. By looking back on this, I should be able to narrow it down a bit more.

I hoped to have figured it out by now but I don’t have a lot to work with. I don’t really get phantom shifts for this theriotype, just mental shifts and envisage shifts. Most shifty feelings are brought on by being outside in the rain, near deep puddles, lakes or ponds. Shifts are most prominent in spring and summer, and tend to fade as the temperature drops. It is strongest in early spring, as everything starts to thaw, snow turns to slush and mud, spots of green appear everywhere as the first leaves of the season start to grow, and I can finally smell all of the earthy scents that were hidden by the cold.

I haven’t had much time to research thoroughly, try on identities, watch documentaries or try to draw how I feel to get a better visual. My bird theriotype took a similar amount of time to figure out.