#quiet brain

[dannissunnyday]

Allow yourself to rest, to breathe, to let go and feel cozy. That's self care.

[alloalouette]

imprecatory imprecatory imprecatory

Fuck this echoskepsi.

There are christians who believe the imprecatory prayers of the psalms are prescriptive and instructive and permissive (this is how you should/can pray) instead of descriptive (this is how the psalmists expressed their anger and frustration; look: shared human experiences),

who have manipulated and forced and violated their way into positions of powerful decision-making and influence. They are launching wars. They are literally killing people. And demanding god do the same and more.

So who gets to pray imprecatory (this fucking word) prayers? Who gets to aim god as a weapon and launch god at people they don’t like?

Why don’t we all just demand god kill everyone?

Why don’t we all demand that god end all of this bullshit and trauma and harm and destruction?

Oh because an ancient people just transitioning from, and inevitably syncretizing, animism saw light refraction in the sky and guessed some intangible entity was speaking to them?

Oh because “The Lord…is patient toward you, not wanting any to perish but for all to come to repentance” ? (2 Peter 3:9)

That verse was what ultimately undid what remained of my very shredded faith.

According to the theology I was immersed in for over 30 years, that I studied and preached and led others in worship:

• god is omnipotent, omniscient, perfect, merciful, and more (and if not then not worthy of my devotion, submission, and worship);

• faith is a gift that god gives to each person by revealing it/[him]self/the spirit to you, and it is not possible to have faith unless god leads you to it;

therefore, if these are true, then

• god could reveal [him]self to the entire world once and for all and leave no doubt as to [his] existence, goodness, perfection, holiness;

• those who don’t believe, don’t believe because either god has not given them the gift of faith (weird…why?), or, they have rejected it when god presented it;

• BUT, god can control the hearts of people, like the hardening of pharaoh’s heart in order to free God’s people from slavery in Egypt, which is why faith is a gift that is given and not a realization a person just has

So, god could do this for all people at any moment? Could give every person a chance to repent at this very moment? Could end all this suffering and sort out the wicked who will be punished from those who will receive mercy, immediately now and once and for all and forever so that we are all released from the suffering of this life, the suffering inflicted on us by greedy, hateful sociopaths and psychopaths?

And…doesn’t? And we’re supposed to accept this as divine patience, instead of neglect?

That god is either monsterous, or doesn’t exist.

Rather than degrade my faith to tolerate and submit to a truly hideous belief, I let it go.

So it’s really super fucking obnoxious that I read this word one time a couple days ago and it is on repeat in my head like an itch I cannot scratch.

Fuck intrusive thoughts. Fuck tics. Fuck a dictatorial faith in a monsterous, hideous god and the people who gleefully weaponize it.

I just want my brain to be quiet. I left the church 6 years ago and freed myself completely from its cultish and abuse-rewarding theology shortly after that. I want this word gone from my head.

[balloonpup]

Choose Wisely

[Soft skittering]

[The high-pitched whine of a CRT]

[Quiet sobbing]

[Distorted numbers station broadcast]

[ICQ launch foghorn at 2:37 AM at full volume]

[Filmstrip advance beep]

[2600 hz chirp on a phone line]

[A freight train rumbling through a dead industrial town]

[Wind through an empty parking garage at 4 AM]

[MFM hard drive seeking]

Voting ended onMar 12, 2023

[everyonesfavoritegoldenboy]

I'm an idiot...(p) Private

After about an hour of watching Robby putting his class through their drills, I need a break. My head is pounding...and after the night I had...I just wanna go back to my office, prop my feet up on the desk and get some sleep. Every time I close my eyes I see hers... accusing me... making me feel like the jerk I know I am...and I truly am that jerk.

I cross my fingers and look in the mini fridge for one of my Coors...and I wouldn't even care if it was from last year. Nope... bottles and bottles of water and this vitamin water bullshit and someone's juice box...gimme a break. *grabs water and puts the cold condensation to my forehead and flops down in my seat*

Why didn't you just tell her you were back, Lawrence...you know hindsight is 20/20 big time...but you were just trying to stop one hand grenade from going off without thinking of the after shocks...(she could have helped you...she would have...I know it, asshole... don't you think I know that?)

Now you've gone and made a bigger mess....you got no girl...the problem with Diaz and Robby isn't fixed and possibly worse. You probably money tanked your bar...Yep...you ain't never been one for problem solving, dude...just creating more shit to deal with.

I think about Ali then...what we talked about at the beach... what we talked about at the country club...how much sense she always made...how much she understood me when no one else did. I think about the hell I put her through and the no nonsense way she deals with my bullshit.

It's her as well as my old gang that truly know the Johnny Lawrence I am...I wish I could just say 'fuck it' and hang out with the guys... especially Bobby who...even though he was a bastard to me the other day, I know he was doing it for my own good...and he made an impact...on THAT situation...(still have a long way to go with Robby...but the temporary cease fire has been great)

I close my eyes and again... thoughts of her start up almost instantly...I don't know what's it gonna take...but I know this shit is hard...I can't even wear myself out or put my body through pain to push her out of my head...and him. *I groan at the thought of his hands on her and shake my head so vigorously I almost fall out of my chair*

You're an IDIOT...and you just gave her to him... I see her smiling at him...the smile that belongs to me...and I see her face as she tells me she won't come after me anymore...that she won't waste her time...* I wince and toss the bottle of untouched water in the trash... half satisfied of the *THUNK* it makes when I made the shot...who cares...*

I lean back and scrub my hands over my eyes...how do I make this all right?? Life isn't so easy anymore...so much has changed and I just can't *check out* I gotta fight for what I want...and all that I want is wrapped up in a maddeningly- frustrating-driving-me- nuts-body with the power to wrap me around her pinkie with a single look. Her kisses still felt on my skin... her touch...the way I've held her but respected her enough to not go all the way when I know I should have...I would have done ANYTHING she wanted to prove to her...I guess I still didn't listen to what she wanted... again... you're an idiot. Just forget it...let it go. Yeah...we know that ain't gonna happen.

"Lord...beer me strength..."

[soopticboop]

Me: finishes off some fun as heck commissions, gets lots of art stuff posted at the post office, starts a new commission, does another drawing just for fun, hangs out with my fam, watches more of the new show I’m watching, plays more Metro Exodus, watches Jack’s new video, chats to all my lovely frens here on tumblr, organises and cleans my whole room and desk

My brain: wow dude you really need to be more productive

[argetcross]

i’M GONNA FIGHT MYSELF god seriously why are you liKE this

[emmathompsonegot]

That blissful clean brain feeling of coming home after a long joyful event, laughing with your friends

[samatedeansbroccoli]

I now understand the thrill people get from watching sports.