#quitting madd

[orchestrocity-blog]

     I have a little challenge for anyone in the “don’t need to/ want to quit MaDD” camp. Go three weeks without daydreaming. Complete abstinence. Not a huge task, right? If you succeed, then I agree with you. You are in complete control of your daydreaming. If you slip right back, I want you to consider the idea that you might be addicted to fantasy, and this addiction is in complete control of your life. Because if you were truly in control, you would have no problem shutting out la-la land for just a couple of weeks for a little experiment.

DISCLAIMER: I am not trying to divide the MaDD community with this proposal. This is not a “gotcha” or anything. If you’re at all curious, go ahead and try this.

As for how I’m doing, I’m currently on my seventh day of abstinent, meaning I have six full days behind me.

[orchestrocity-blog]

Story Time: The Museum

So, I recently joined EFAA, a program focused on helping fantasy addicts. A huge part of the program is apologizing to those people we’ve hurt as a result of our sickness. Well, when I get to that step, I’ll have to make my first apology to my mother. Here’s why:

When I was seven, my sister constantly hounded my parents to take us to the science museum. Honestly, I’d seen it one too many times, so I wasn’t interested. But I had to go anyways.

We passed massive dinasour skeletons, awesome statues modeling primitive humans and their lives. My sister and parents were cracking jokes and talking about what they read on the plaques by the exhibits. But I was far away in a fantasy in my mind– a dumb glaze set over my face.

My mother finally tried to engage me in a conversation about one of the exhibits. But I brushed her off in an annoyed tone. “Why do you just keep your face like that all the time? People are going to think something’s wrong with you!”

A slap in the face. Not because of how angry she sounded, but because she was right. So I stopped daydreaming in public. But honestly, too little too late. If you're at a point where you can't fight this illness for yourself, think about everyone who needs you to be HERE.

[orchestrocity-blog]

MaDD- The OCD Connection

So... I recently started seeing a therapist for my extreme paranoia that conveniently only manifests right before I’m about to go to sleep. I told her how I would anticipate a certain figure to pop up and attack me, and I thought it was connected to my excessive daydreaming. She told me I probably had OCD, but I told her I never obsessed over organization or little things being in order. OCD, surprise surprise, isn’t what the media always portrays it to be. It’s your mind getting stuck on a certain idea, a certain feeling. This is what caused me to have really bad panic attacks-- my brain wouldn’t let go of the idea that something was there. She recommended a breathing exercise so that I would force my attention away from that idea and towards my breath. Tbh, it’s a good temporary fix.

I am not a therapist or psychologist, but I think this feeling of not being able to let go of an idea is connected to MaDD. We have a story, or at least a collection of scenes constantly running. When we like a scene, we replay it over and over. “Normal people” see a TV show or read a book and they can move on, shift their attention elsewhere. But we keep playing it over and over. We need to learn to move on.

[orchestrocity-blog]

MaDD Murder Fantasies: Story Time

One of the many downsides to struggling with MaDD are the dark, disturbing stories that pop up along the way. While school is in session and I’m under high stress, they inevitably come up, and leave me wondering what kind of messed up human I am. At the same time, though, I look back at them and laugh at how unbelievably extra they were. 

I’d like to share a recurring daydream I had of killing this creepy kid in my French class. Hear me out. This kid hated French, and yet he took 4H. No one really understood why since the thirteen other kids in my class all actually wanted to be there. As the year progressed, I realized why: this kid had some effed up fascination with me. He sat behind me in a seat diagonal to me, so when he would stare at me, I knew. And it made bugs crawl in my gut. My head had to juggle translating the lesson while spinning trying to find a way to get him to stop without disturbing the class. He would tap his foot incessantly, make random dumb comments, breath heavily trying to get me to turn around. I never did. It was clear I had no intention of interacting. Yet he kept this up the whole year.

PSA: Girls AND boys with crushes. Staring and being an overall creep is not cute. And don’t give me that crap that you can’t control attraction. You have an effing brain. Engaging in creepy behavior IS A CHOICE.

Anyways... I would go home and dedicate at least thirty minutes of my daydreaming time imagining following him out into the hall, dragging him into the bathroom, and drowning him in a toilet. Or, his mother and I would drug him, drive him out in the woods, and have a chimpanzee that we rented rip him apart limb from limb.

[orchestrocity-blog]

Quitting

I don’t remember when my daydreaming started. It’s just always been there to lull me when I got upset, or to distract me from my own boredom. I’m seventeen now, and I’ve just recently started fighting it. I thought it would be easy, but several attempts later and I’m still pacing around my room numbing my brain with these daydreams. I need help. Please. If anyone out there is in my place trying to fight this disorder in the absence of formal treatment, leave a comment or message me. Maybe we can try quitting together, holding each other accountable each time we slip back.

[orchestrocity-blog]

THE VOICE The constant coaxing purr that tells you another ten minutes. Another hour. Take a break. You deserve it. In the moment, it's logic seems down pat. Why shouldn't I daydream right now? How could a few minutes hurt? But it makes you lose sight of the larger picture. For now, you can eventually stop daydreaming. What about in five years? Ten? Let me tell you something: if you keep giving into that seductive voice, this addiction will eat up your life until you have nothing but your fantasies. If this concerns you, good. You still have some sanity left. But I'm not only here to remind you of your helplessness. I want to offer you a way out. It's not the easy way out, but it will work if you push hard enough, and if you're willing to reach out. Please consider joining EFAA (Escapism and Fantasy Addicts Anonymous) meetings: http://www.efaanonymous.com/. We believe we may be able to help you.