#qwirks

[onetoothpig]

Headcanon: Tee was at the Intergalactic Zoo when the Qwirks incident happened. He doesn't remember much about it, as he was very young at the time, but something about the Puyos brings back... disturbing memories.

[weirdmarioenemies]

QWIRKS

Yeah! Qwirks! You know? How wouldn’t you know? They were introduced by the creator of Tetris, for crying out loud! No, not created by him. He had nothing at all to do with their creation. But he sure is introducing them!

Not that the Qwirks would need any introduction in Japan though, where they’ve been known as Puyos since the beginning, since it was only in the West that they felt the need to reskin Puyo Puyo as everything from Kirby’s Avalanche to Timon and Pumbaa’s Bug Drop.

My favorite, however, is easily Qwirks, because this is not any existing license! As Alexey Pajitnov would probably proudly introduce you to, Qwirks features a totally unique story and cast of characters, who are evil, mutated residents of the Intergalactic Zoo. Let’s meet them!

WUZZER

“The weakest and least skilled of your opponents. Defeat it quickly with a few well-timed cascades.”

We first meet Wuzzer, and I think any reasonable person would be concerned that a gigantic, mutated wasp would be a pathetic weakling compared to what lies ahead. Even small wasps are pretty formidable! Maybe it’s because Wuzzer’s stinger is too big to properly sting now, or because it has nostrils instead of antennae. Who would choose nostrils? They can get clogged!

FEEGLE

“Even with two heads, Feegle’s brain capacity is remarkably limited.”

What a birdbrain, am I right? Not even smart enough to realize it could simply peck you with twice the speed of the average bird! Instead, it thinks the only way to defeat you is by playing Puyo Puyo. And since it’s not smart, it’s not very good! And it doesn’t even know we call it “Qwirks” around these parts!

GLOPH

“This tricky fellow thinks on his feet. While he’s not very quick, don’t underestimate his skill!”

We finally arrive at a monster noted to have some degree of cleverness! I really have no idea what he’s supposed to be, though. Overall, I get amphibian vibes, but those fleshy growths under what I’m assuming are his mouth remind me of the barbels of a fish or turtle.

SCUMP

“Too big to step on and too smart for its own good, Scump is quick but overconfident.”

Oh no, we’re going too far! This one’s TOO clever! I really appreciate that the style of gameplay forces these monsters to be smart in order for them to be formidable. Also, I wouldn’t step on Scump even if it was small enough, because that would be rude. Though its defeat animation reveals it has spikes on its back, so stepping on it at any size would be dangerous! You’d turn into Small Mario!

HAMMAT

“Careful, this hairy fellow tends to be far smarter than he looks.”

I like the way this is worded. He tends to be smart, but only sometimes. Don’t EXPECT it. From the front, he looks like a weird seal kind of, but his side profile is 100% rat. I don’t think he looks very hairy, either.

BLUPP

“Originally a voracious feeder, this creature’s personality has gotten worse after mutation!”

I think “voracious feeder” is already a pretty bad personality for a monster to have! How can it get worse? I don’t know. Maybe Alexey Pajitnov knows. But probably not. When Blupp is defeated, it goes belly up like any self-respecting dead fish.

RACHIS

“With a span of two meters, this giant arachnid makes optimal use of its eight scampering legs.”

Wow! They got the anatomy right! They actually put the legs on the cephalothorax! Rachis may not have pedipalps, but with eight legs all in the right place as well as chelicerae, it is a very respectable cartoon spider. And it’s efficient! I bet it can scamper like nobody’s business.

FRILD

“This spiny mutant is especially crafty, and is skilled at catching up if you’re ahead.”

Don’t be fooled! Frild is not actually spiny. The things on its back are more “sail” than “spine” to me. But its WIT sure is sharp! We’re back to calling these monsters smart! Yahoo!

NUZARD

“Normally quite placid, this mutated critter has developed quite an appetite for humanoids.”

Finally, here’s a monster who does actual monster things! And it’s out for humanoids! It would eat you! But if you’re not available, maybe it could do with, like, a lemur or something. Lemurs may not be THAT common, but there’s only one of you! Lemurs are more likely to encounter, really. 

TWANG

“This long-limbed swamp dweller is fully capable of squishing your puny body beneath his webbed feet.”

I’m sorry, Twang, but I doubt your ability. I don’t think webbed feet are capable of squishing much of anything. Webs seem too thin and fragile to be doing any of that. I don’t think you’re confident either, to be honest. If you’re so good at squishing, why do you continue to play Falling Blob Puzzle Game instead?

GILLUS

“Originally quite shy, her fur turned shocking white during mutagenesis. Lookout, she’s gone berserk!”

Hooray, it’s an explicitly female, not-outwardly-feminine funny monster! I especially like her platypus-like bill on what would otherwise basically be a cycloptic yeti. I also really like her description. With that first sentence it feels like her fur turning white somehow completely contradicts her shyness! 

NOUT

“Clever and quick, this opponent is more formidable than he looks!”

What do you think, readers? Do you think he looks formidable? Only the bravest would decide to rock this style! I like to think his name is actually “N. Out”, because they are indeed out. You know what the N stands for. They’re the exact same texture as his belly button, too! And all three look like PS2 control sticks.

SPIRTL

“Tough as nails, this creature is your final obstacle to total victory over the Qwirk invasion!”

Whatever Spirtl is, it’s got an 8-pack! I think those are more “for show” muscles than “real” muscles, but impressive commitment nonetheless. But this is a battle of brains, not brawn! And Spirtl is devilishly clever. Literally! It uses the AI of Satan from Puyo Puyo. Besides the abs, I really can’t make much sense of Spirtl’s anatomy. I think those are flippers, and it has some sort of shell on its back? No idea about the face, though!

After Spirtl is defeated, enough Qwirks have been transmigrated into the eight dimension to stop the evil Warlords of Zapf from discrediting Earth’s Alliance of Worlds, and that is the plot of the game. Thank you for reading, and a special thanks to YOU, Alexey Pajitnov, for introducing us!

[puyoconfessions]

I want to see an “Ultimate Mode” with features from all main Puyo modes (Tsu, Sun, Yon/Super, Fever, 7/Daihenshin, maybe even the Crystal Puyo from Qwirks) added to the series. 

I also think Yon, Sun, and 7 modes should come back. Maybe an “event match” mode for stuff like Treasure and Water Puyo.

(Image Source)

[pull-back]

As you may know, Puyo Puyo got several localized versions in the west. Dr. Robotnik’s Mean Bean Machine for the Sega Genesis. Kirby’s Avalanche for the Super Nintendo. And then there’s Qwirks for home computers, released in 1995.

It’s worth noting that even though the cover features Alexey Pajitnov, the creator of Tetris, he wasn’t involved at all in the game’s development. He’s merely endorsing the product.

[dangerzonegrunt]

I unironically miss when Puyo Puyo got so many licensed clones. I even have nostalgia for Qwirks, of all games, because it was the first one I played. If I could be bothered and/or had sacks of money to hand Sega for the rights to make my own, I would!* What can I say? I'm a sucker for puzzle games, chibis, and character interactions!

Currently playing Kirby's Avalanche, was having a hard time against Squishy until I finally beat him, and then uh, got my butt handed to me by Lololo and Lalala. Worthy opponents, at any rate.

*Question is, should it be a Carlaud spin-off or a Dustin & Hilda spin-off? I could very easily call the Puyos "Slimes" or "Puzzlegeists", depending on which between the two:

A. If I go with the former, the plot is basically A Certain Prince getting the Utarefson ritual wrong and then everyone has to battle in "Slime FIghts" or something.

B. If I go with the latter, replace Carbunkle with Jitters and also the Arcade Mode lets you choose between Dustin or Hilda and the dialogue changes accordingly.

While I think these are the most plausible clones, I have many other characters and story ideas besides, so there are lots of directions I could go with my glorified rom hack fan fiction, lol

[onetoothpig]

I like to think that all the Puyo Puyo clones are canon and the Puyos are just popping up in different dimensions.

[evajellion]

Ok, so I diffidently know you are a Puyo Puyo and Mean Bean Machine fan but what are your thoughts on Kirby's Avalanche and Qwirks?

Kirby’s Avalanche is cute! It’s nice to see Kirby with a speaking role for a change as opposed to constant baby talk. Not having a password system like Mean Bean Machine is a huge minus though.

Qwirks is really odd. I kinda like it for the early 3D on some of the characters, but the lack of banter is disappointing. The blurb of backstory is nice, but I would prefer to interact with the strange animals so we understood the plot more. The story about the evil warlords invading a space zoo with Qwirks is an interesting idea… but one that isn’t fully fleshed out for it to feel effective enough like Mean Bean Machine.

Imo the only “bad” Puyo Puyo localization/reskin is the one poorly recolored variant for the N-Gage and Super Foul Egg.