Feels
My shul is offering a few short series classes. I’m super proud because it was my enthusiasm and pushing the powers-that-be that got these classes going. To be fair, they are old classes just dusted off and offered anew. But they wouldn’t have been offered at this time had I not asked for it.
Tonight was the first of three classes about musar. Luckily, the senior rabbi is awesome enough to keep it from being super depressing and difficult - he has so many anecdotes and funny stories. The man is a walking encyclopedia and can connect any two disparate subjects.
I have to admit, the highlight of my whole day was one of the other women in the class. I’ve never interacted with her. I haven’t ever seen her in person (that I knew of.) But she was in attendance the night I was introduced to the congregation. She was almost in awe of me (which made me super uncomfortable because I am just average.) Her awe stemmed from that ceremony where I was introduced. She said she couldn’t remember what I said, but she remembered how it made her feel. How moved she was. How proud she was. How something in what I said made her feel a deeper connection to her own spirituality/connection to God and Judaism. I am very flattered.
During my Beit Din one of the panel of rabbis asked me about that moment I knew I wanted to convert. I explained that gut feeling that many converts know/feel. How I felt an inner peace, a literal and proverbial gut feeling. I explained how I get this odd sense that I poorly described as a high whenever I interact with anything Jewish - people, literature, Jumblr, etc. She said that feeling was God speaking to me.
It reminds me of fictional work The Celestine Prophesy, where your life happens differently and you feel different when you are on “the right path” to the true you and your life purpose.
Something I’ve been tossing back and forth in my brain and discussed a bit with my therapist is how my being there to offer support, to listen, maybe offer some advice or direction - that is my passion and frankly what I am really good at. That is part of why I got into Human Resources - to help people navigate employment laws and minimize how organizations can and do screw them over.
My therapist thinks I could/should be a rabbi. I really don’t think that I could be for a congregation. I am daunted by the amount of knowledge and time it would take to even consider let alone reach that point.
But what if? What if this is my calling? My way to repair the world? The rabbi who said that feeling is God speaking to us was a community rabbi - not tied to a congregation. I have seen that there are converts who become rabbis.
I am intimidated. But, that hasn’t stopped me before.
