A hand to hold
Pairing: Bucky Barnes x reader
Summary: Soulmates are complicated. Sometimes you find yours when you least expect it and sometimes things don’t go as they should. It’s all about right time and realizations, isn’t it?
Warnings: there’s some angst, but then I give you fluff
A/N: This is for @buckyssoul Rae 1k Writing Challenge and my prompts were ‘soulmate au + “what can I do to fix this?”’. Thank you so much for hosting this challenge Rae, you deserve all of those 1k followers and more because you’re a precious bean! Hopefully you like my contribution to this. It’s my first Bucky soulmate au so let me know how it went! Enjoy!
You thought you didn't have a soulmate. You had thought all your life that you were destined to be alone, that ‘the one’ for you didn't exist. That you were one of those souls that had to remain alone till the day of your death: always loved but never experiencing a certain kind of love.
And you had been ok with that; had made your peace with it.
Until that fateful day.
You could have never imagined that the moment your hand touched that of James Barnes, your world would have been thrown upside down. You gasped, ignoring his widening eyes. Your own gaze fixed where your body ended and his began, where your hands were enveloped in a warm hug.
Where that small, unique symbol appeared on both your skins.
You blinked, a slow smile growing on your face. Disbelief etched in all your features, but a nice kind of disbelief. You didn't notice the growing horror on Barnes’ features; the growing fear.
Your eyes, now full of a new warmth, lifted and you went to say something, only to be brutally interrupted by Bucky’s rough voice. “I don't want you.”
I don't want you.
You’d never known what a heart breaking sounded like till that moment. The hope you’d just got, shattered right in front of your eyes. You inhaled sharply, trying to gather yourself. His words hit your chest like a bullet, tearing your lungs apart. You blinked a few times, retracting your hand and closing your fist against your chest, while his face contorted into a grimace.
You frowned and then swallowed, tensely smiling up at him. “I'm Y/n, it's a pleasure to meet you. Steve said a lot of things about you. All good, don't worry”
Bucky opened his mouth and closed it like a fish. The room was drowning into a tense silence, all the Avengers watching the scene taking place right under their noses. They couldn't believe Bucky had had the guts to tell you that and you just smiled at him.
When Bucky failed to properly answer, only muttering a small introduction, you nodded and addressed the room. You looked tense but you still managed to speak sweetly. “I was going to the market, does anybody want something?”
The Avengers snapped out of their trance and gave their answers, after which you left.
After all, you had never had a soulmate and the fact that this one didn't want you, didn't come as a surprise. You knew how to be alone.
***
Bucky‘s life at the compound was a completely new experience. He knew how to survive, he knew how to take care of himself, he knew how to do his job and he also knew of having been a real asshole to you. To his soulmate.
In his defence, he had panicked. He was just starting a new phase of his life in this new world and had immediately discovered of having a soulmate. His old self would have jumped in joy at the idea of having one but he, the new Bucky Barnes, didn't want it. He didn't want you.
He simply didn't want to rely on anyone. He just wanted to be himself, rely on himself and do things for himself.
What he had been doing in the few weeks he had been staying at his new home, though, was observing you. You were powerful, fighting with grace during training and missions; you were funny, working to put a smile on everyone's faces; but, most of all, you were kind.
You didn't care that he had rejected you so horribly - or, you didn't show it. You always asked him how he was feeling, offered food and a smile; but you were never imposing. You had accepted and respected his decision and, for the love of all that's holy, Bucky couldn't understand why.
That’s what pushed him to corner you in the kitchen one day, to ask exactly that.
The words spilled out like a river in flood. “Why aren't you angry at me? Why don't you hate me?”
You blinked, startled and confused. “Why would I?”
Bucky gritted his teeth, anger rising for some reason. “I rejected you”
A cloud of sadness passed over your features, darkening your eyes and showing Bucky that you weren't as unaffected as you wanted him to know. You smiled, though. “Because that's your decision.” You turned, focusing on the pasta you were cooking, “Besides, I know how to be alone, while I have no idea how to work in a couple.” You chuckled, “If that makes sense”
It did. To Bucky, it definitely made sense.
And maybe he had started to see why Steve had just shook his head when he had turned to him after the soulmate reveal. Steve hadn't given anything away but he knew now that there was more to you than what could be seen on the surface.
Bucky shook his head. He still didn't want you, no matter what.
***
A few months had passed since the kitchen confrontation and you had started working with a new agent, someone coming from a group of people from another agency. Shield had started making connections to ‘keep the planet safer and the communication open with everyone’ - as the Director had said. You were sure it was because Shield wanted to keep at least a hand everywhere, but who were you to object?
Besides, you were loving it. Nick was brilliant, capable and since he still didn't have a soulmate, there was small, innocent flirting between you. It was nice, being able to let go a bit.
Work was going amazingly and everyone was enthusiastic with the new developments.
Everyone except Bucky.
Jealousy had never been part of his character - or, at least, he had never felt this kind of feeling that he still didn't want to address as actual jealousy. Steve and Sam were having a field day with Bucky almost growling every time you and Nick laughed together.
He didn't understand why he was feeling like that. He didn't want you; he didn't care you were his soulmate. Maybe, if he kept repeating it, he was going to convince himself.
It wasn't till a Stark party that Bucky had to reconsider all his actions and actually acknowledge what was going on with himself.
There was a pretty brunette trying to chat him up but his eyes could only follow you on the dance floor. You were talking, dancing with Nick and even if your smile was dimmed, not reaching your eyes, you were still the most beautiful creature in the room and especially you were not in Bucky’s arms.
He wanted you there.
Wanted.
Bucky swallowed, watching as you glanced at him and smiled sadly, before gracefully kissing Nick on the cheek and walking away, disappearing through the crowd. A sense of disappointment and pain pervaded Bucky’s chest.
That night, laying in bed and observing the ceiling, Bucky realised that it wasn’t a question of reliability - he didn't want and need to rely only and completely on you - he just wanted you as his companion. Not someone to hold all his weight, someone to hold his hand; someone to walk next to him.
And in that moment, he realised he had no idea how a soulmate worked. Maybe he didn't know what a soulmate was at all.
On the other side of the compound, in your room, you laid under the covers; a solitary tear run down your cheek, soaking the pillow. Finally you didn't have to be strong, you didn't have to accept your loneliness and could let out all the pain and anguish.
You were alone. You were covered, both by the mantel of the night and your blankets.
You could finally wonder why you weren't good enough for Bucky. Why you weren't good enough for your soulmate.
***
Time directly before a mission was heavy, filled with silence. Everyone was concentrated, keeping their minds in the game. It was a matter of life or death.
You were breathing deeply, sat in the corner of the quinjet. It was another day, another moment in which to be strong, to keep your head high.
You were picking at your nails, chipping away at the nail polish, when a pair of boots entered your peripheral vision and a warm body settled next to you. Your heart almost beat out of your chest because you knew perfectly who it was.
“Hey”
His voice was deep, soft. A bit unsure.
You lifted your head and let your eyes clash with the thunderstorm in his, blue holding you captive. You couldn't show him how pained you were to have him but not have him. You smiled, as usual. “Hey, you good?”
He nodded, dimly smiling back. “Yes, I wanted to- uh” he frowned, averting his eyes, “Just to tell you to be careful”
You chuckled, playfully nudging him. “I always am, Sergeant Barnes”
“Maybe, but-”
He hesitated, watching you for a long moment.
“I just-” he swallowed, shaking his head. His gorgeous features contorted into pain. “I can't do this.”
You frowned. “You can't-”
He suddenly but discreetly grabbed your hand, stopping all your words. “I can't just stay here and wait till something bad happens to you to realise how much of an idiot I've been.”
You blinked, noticing how his eyes started to redden. You cupped his cheek with your free hand and when his eyes met yours again, he saw only kindness and love there. “What are you trying to tell me, James?”
"That I'm the luckiest dumbass in the world to have you as a soulmate and I'm sorry." He sniffled, squeezing your hand. His emotions were taking over. "I'm sorry for how I behaved, I'm sorry for what I said, I'm sorry-"
Your heart exploded with hope at finally hearing that he wanted you too. That he had reconsidered his decision. That all your pain and patience had had a purpose, after all.
"I can forgive you, but I need a reasonable explanation.” You paused, letting the words sink in. “Why did you do it?"
He looked in your eyes, tears gathering at their corners. "I was afraid and I was stubborn," he paused, "I wanted to do everything alone."
"And now you don't?"
He shook his head, not sure of being able to explain what he wanted to say but trying nonetheless. "My way was wrong. I'm my own person and you're your own person but that doesn't mean we can't walk holding each other hands"
You smiled, letting your thumb sweep over the skin of his cheekbone.
He lifted your hand and kissed the knuckles. "I want you, Y/n. I want you” he finally said with desperation, but with a reciprocating smile on his face. “Just,” he swallowed, a new strength igniting in his eyes, “What can I do to fix this? To fix our relationship?”
You took a deep breath; you weren't sure where to go from here, but you were sure of a thing. You nodded once, head turning to examine his features. “I think we should start from the beginning, from a fresh point, built from there.”
Bucky smiled, “That’s probably letting me off the hook too easily”
Huffing, you shook your head. “You’re not off the hook, Barnes.” Your pointed look showed him that you were dead serious on this and you certainly weren't going to make it easy for him. “I just think that the best we can do, for now, is starting anew together”
“Yeah,” Bucky nodded, pain completely gone from his eyes and only hope now remaining, “So I can make it up to you”
You smiled and Bucky swore he had never seen a smile like that; a smile that could be his safe place. He couldn't contain himself and leaned in, leaving a long kiss on your forehead, to which you closed your eyes. Suddenly everything fell into place. Your hand was held securely by his and it was clear to everybody that it was meant to be that way.
