Jul 23, 2020
Nothing that lives, lives forever.
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from Thailand
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from Malaysia
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from China
seen from United States
seen from Malaysia
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from China
seen from United States
seen from United States
Nothing that lives, lives forever.
Joe and Nicky + touches
THE OLD GUARD (2020): a moodboard
MARWAN KENZARI
ph. Janey van Ierland
“I can’t help but think we just didn’t do right by you somehow. You won’t tell me who you are. Did we teach you shame? Did I teach you that? Cause it would break my heart if I had. Can’t you see what a good job God did here. Can’t you see how beautiful he made you?” -Big Eden (2000)
Read on AO3
Eddie sits in his car for a long time, head bowed and his hands gripping at the steering wheel. If it weren’t for the tense shoulders and the white knuckled grip he might look as if he was praying. Maybe part of him is praying. For courage, for acceptance, for a lighter heart. Between him and all of that stands an ocean of turmoil and whirling thoughts.
Eddie isn’t exactly panicking, but he might be a few breaths away from it. For him, panic isn’t quickened breaths and swimming vision. It’s rigidity and a weight that sits heavily in his stomach. It’s fire spreading through his chest and into his limps, rendering him motionless, even when his brain races at the speed of light. Part of him wants to turn back, drive home, make dinner for his son, maybe call Buck to see if he’d join them. However, since Buck is part of the problem, that course of action might not be the wisest.
Eddie sucks in a deep breath then let it out slowly. He isn’t afraid of his feelings for Buck any more than he was afraid to acknowledge his attraction to men. In his later years of life, after having a kid and a twice failed marriage, Eddie has become a pragmatic and introspective creature. Things just are to him. He takes them, examines them with care, then places them in place when he’s done looking at them. Sure, the process isn’t quite as clean or clinical as he makes it sound, but the end result of it is the same, no matter how long he dwells on an issue.
So, yes, Eddie isn’t afraid of being attracted to men, part of him had always known that. Examined it, folded it neatly, and placed it on a shelf in his mind that he didn’t dust often. He isn’t afraid of his feelings for Buck. These are a steady, comforting thing that Eddie has grown accustomed to in the months since he first allowed himself to look at them. Something so good and true can’t be frightening, Eddie has decided a while ago and left it at that.
What does frighten Eddie however is two things, and these two things seem to be intertwined together beyond any hope of Eddie untangling the mess of them. However he looks at them, Eddie cannot separate the two. Eddie needs to talk to Buck about his feelings for him, and he needs to tell his family about how he feels.. in general. About how he loves. About the way his heart beats. It isn’t a requirement, and he knows deep in his bones that he doesn’t owe any of them a declaration of his sexuality or who he is. But. This is a conversation over a decade in the making, and Eddie who is a father, a firefighter, and a goddamn adult refuses to cower for another month or year.
And so, Eddie needs to tell Buck how he feels about him, and for him to do that, Eddie needs to tell his family that he’s bisexual. To have at least one person from his family to back him up when things inevitably go south with his parents after both revelations. Two things he needs to do, and they are tightly knotted in his mind. He could have told Buck first. Could have had whatever outcome that yielded to decide the next steps for him, but that’s not what this is about. Whether Buck takes or rejects him, Eddie needs to do this for himself.
One person, Eddie repeats like a mantra. Just one person, Diaz.
Eddie lets out a final shuddering breath, releases his death grip on the steering wheel, and makes the short walk to his abuela’s house.
He sends a silent prayer to the universe before he knocks.
----
No matter how old he is, the smell of his abuela’s house stays comforting. Eddie’s relationship with his parents was tumultuous at times as he grew up, his parents approval ebbing and flowing depending on what standards he failed to meet. They were never bad parents, but they weren’t big on comfort either. Theirs was a house of discipline throughout Eddie’s life, and so his grandmother’s house was a haven in comparison. One filled with his abuela’s warmth and her never ending quest to stuff him with comfort food.
Eddie could have gone to his sisters for this. He knows that would have made far more sense, with his sisters being younger and generally more open minded. He could have gone to his aunt too, who wielded a non-nonsense attitude and a keen eye for details and who probably already had an inkling about Eddie’s feelings for his best friend. Beyond his parents, his abuela might very well be the second hardest option, but possibly the most important one. Which is why he decided to start here. He curses his own decision making skills not for the first time today.
Whatever the outcome of this conversation is, he tells himself, it will be a hurdle he has cleared. One part of the knot unwinded.
“Are you going to tell me what’s troubling you, Edmundo?” His grandmother sighs from where she sits on the couch across from him. “You’ve been too far inside your own head since you arrived. Tell me what’s wrong.”
To his horror, the gentle tone makes Eddie’s eyes sting. He taps against his knee twice and sits a steaming mug down, trying to figure out where to start.
“You’re right,” Eddie begins, “There’s something I want to talk to you about.” He looks at her for a long moment, waiting for her encouraging nod before he goes on. “I’ve been keeping something from you and everyone else for a long time. I thought it didn’t matter much. That it won’t hurt anyone if it stays hidden and I don’t act on it. But it’s hurting me, abuela. It’s been hurting me for a long time now, more than I ever thought possible.”
Eddie wills his voice to stay steady but it must give him away, because his abuela moves to sit beside him. She reaches out and puts her hand on top of his, squeezing once.
“What is hurting you, Eddie? I never want anything to hurt you. Tell me.”
“There’s someone I have feelings for, someone I might be in love with,” The words tumbling out of order, without his permission. His abuela’s face clears, she smiles, and begins to speak but Eddie desperately shakes his head at her, so she keeps listening instead. “It’s not just that. It’s a man. The person I have feelings for is a man. That’s what I- it’s what I wanted to tell you.”
Eddie waits for a reprimand. He waits for shock or disgust or anger. It doesn’t come.
Instead, several agonizing moments later, Isabel Diaz makes a wounded noise, followed by a deep sigh. She raises her hand to cup Eddie’s face and gently tugs until he’s looking at her. Eddie is ashamed to admit he almost flinches at the gesture.
“I see,” She says, her eyes watering. “It’s us who have been hurting you. Did we teach you shame? Is that what we did?” She questions.
Eddie doesn’t answer her. Where his eyes stung before, now there are tears gathering and spilling down his cheeks. Eddie doesn’t move to wipe them off. They have earned their release.
“You’re not angry?” Eddie asks instead.
“At you? No, never. At the rest of us? yes. I won’t lie, Eddie, I never expected this, but that’s on me not on you.” She sighs again, “I’m an old woman, heaven knows how much I’ve known and seen. Maybe.. maybe years ago I would have been less generous, and I don’t claim to understand it fully now, but I never want you to be ashamed of who you are. I never want you to hurt because of us.”
Eddie feels his shoulders sagging with relief, a breath leaves him and it sounds wrenched and ragged despite his efforts at quelling. His grandmother pulls him down until his head rests against her shoulder, she wipes at the back of his head and murmurs comforting words in both English and Spanish. They set like that for long moments, Eddie feeling as if he can fully exhale for the first time in years, and his grandmother speaking softly with her arms wrapped around him.
“How long have you known? Does anyone else know?” She asks after a while.
Eddie pulls back and wipes at his face, smiling when he’s instantly offered some tissues and a now-cooling cup of coffee.
“I’ve always known, I think, that I like both men and women. Since I was a kid. And, no, no one else knows. You’re the first person I’m telling,” He answers truthfully. He hadn’t even told Shannon about this. “I know they won’t be happy when it comes out. I just can’t hold it anymore.”
The “they” in question don’t need to be named. His abuela is as familiar with his parents’ set of beliefs as he is.
“Maybe not at first, but they’ll come around. People change with time, and your parents have good hearts.” His grandmother says with such conviction that he almost believes her. “And until then, you know your sisters will be on your side. Your Aunt Josephine too, and me.”
“Thanks, abuela,” Eddie smiles at her gratefully and kisses her cheek. He feels dizzy with relief. Nothing that comes after this will be as difficult.
“Now, tell me about that man of yours. Who is he?” His grandmother’s serious gaze lands on him, but her lips twitch with a smile. Eddie feels heat rushing to his face as if he’s twelve again and caught trying to sneak chocolates from the chocolate box.
“He’s not mine,” Eddie mumbles, and his abuela gives him a look that says and whose fault is that?. “We really don’t have to talk about this.”
When that suggestion is met with a steely stare, Eddie falters then breaks, “His name is Buck? It’s Buck. From work. You’ve met Buck.”
Now his grandmother smiles, her eyes laughing at him. “Yes, I know who Buck is. I’ve only heard Chris rave about him and met him every other month for the past two years, Edmundo.”
Eddie brings a hand to rub at his eyes, now smiling too.
“Why haven’t you told him then?” And before Eddie can answer, she adds, “Is that our doing too? That you’re afraid?”
“No, no, that’s not because of any of this,” Eddie answers, which is only half a lie. “We’re very close friends, abuela. You know how close, you just said it yourself. He’s so involved with Chris and our lives. I’m worried about what will happen if I tell him and it doesn’t work out between us. It’s why I haven’t told him yet.”
“You think he feels the same?”
“I think he does. I’m pretty sure of it,” Eddie confides, even though he has never said any of this aloud before, he has thought about it for months on end, “I’m not ashamed of how I feel, but I thought leaving it alone would be best. To protect what we already have.”
“Making that decision for him is cruel, and you are not a cruel man, Edmundo.” Abuela chastises, “You said you’re close? Then you should respect him enough to give him the choice.”
Eddie nods, eyes watering again. This conversation is so far out of the realm of what he expected that he feels the need to lie down, or cry, or both.
“I will,” Eddie promises, “I’ve been planning on it for a while. I just.. I needed to do this first.”
Oh, my heart, his grandmother murmurs as she cups his face again with gentle hands and draws him into a hug. Against her shoulder, Eddie lets out a breath of pure relief.
------
Making that decision for him is cruel, and you are not a cruel man.
The words ring in Eddie’s ears for days after coming out to his abuela. He catches himself several times in the process of taking them out and looking at them. He never thought of his waiting as cruel to anyone but himself. His grandmother’s words sit heavy in his chest, making him vow to speak to Buck as soon as possible.
Between their busy shifts and both of them having various family obligations, the chance to speak to Buck alone doesn’t present itself until nearly a week after Eddie’s conversation with his grandmother.
They’re at Eddie’s house for the evening, having ended work a few hours ago. Chris fell asleep between them after dinner, about half an hour ago, and so Eddie carries him to his bedroom, kisses his forehead, and silently asks Chris to wish him luck as he heads back to the living room.
On the couch, Buck looks up at Eddie’s arrival and smiles.
“You’re not kicking me out now that Chris is sleeping, are you?” Buck jokes, “Because I was really hoping for a beer.”
Buck gestures towards the table, where two beers sit waiting for them. It strikes Eddie then, just how comfortable Buck is in Eddie’s space, and how much Eddie likes it that way. He smiles and moves to sit next to Buck.
Eddie’s mind is swirling with ways to start the conversation he wants to have, when Buck beats him to it.
“Will you tell me what’s bothering you?” Buck asks, his fingers toying with the neck of his bottle. “You’ve been off all week. Did something happen?”
Eddie looks at Buck for a couple of heartbeats. There’s no denying how beautiful he is, or how attractive Eddie finds him, but what catches his attention now is the ever present kindness in Buck’s eyes. Eddie has always envied Buck his openness and vulnerability. It was a kind of bravery that Eddie is only now starting to learn. Where Eddie is thoughtful and private with his emotions, Buck wears each one of his for the entire world to see. Eddie can’t help the bang of longing spreading through his chest, even as he sets out for his second scary conversation of the week.
“Yeah, something pretty important happened,” Eddie starts, placing the bottle back on the table and turning to look at Buck, who mirrors Eddie’s movement. “I told my abuela that there’s someone I have feelings for, and that this someone is a man.”
Buck blinks at Eddie in rapid succession, seemingly processing the information. His mouth hangs open for a moment before he frowns. “Shit, Eddie, why didn’t you say anything? That’s huge. How did it go? Are you okay?”
“I just came out to you,” Eddie states, because he needs to make sure that that part registered.
“Yeah, no, I noticed, but you also came out to your grandmother which sounds scarier,” Buck shoots back, his eyes filled with pure concern. Eddie badly wants to reach out and rub at the crease between his brows.
“Definitely scarier,” Eddie agrees and then grins, “But it went surprisingly well. Way better than expected. We even talked a bit about the guy.”
Buck’s expression clears into a bright smile, looking for all the world like sunshine in human form. His eyes are shimmering and he wipes at them with a laugh.
“Eddie, that’s great,” Buck punches his shoulder lightly, as if they’re still kids in highschool, and Eddie grins at the gesture, “That’s amazing, man. I’m really happy for you!”
“Thanks, Buck.” Eddie feels light as he says it, the combination of Buck’s blinding smile and him coming out to his best friend feeling heady and intoxicating.
“And you’re alright?” Buck asks again, his hand nudging at Eddie’s knee then retreating. Eddie fights the urge to take Buck’s hand and place it back there, where his warmth seeped into Eddie’s skin.
“I’m all good. Just needed some time to process all of it. But I’m good now.” Eddie nods, “Feels like one of the hardest parts is over. My parents will be a different story, but I’m leaving that for later.”
“Yeah, I get that. Thank you for trusting me with this. Seriously.” Buck says gently, his tone gone soft. He’s obviously sincere with his words, but something flashes in his eyes akin to hurt. It catches Eddie by surprise as he tries to pinpoint what caused the expression.
Buck chews on his lip for several seconds, painfully obvious in his distress, and then replaces the expression with a smile that is a mere flicker of the one he wore before.
“So, do I get to meet this mystery man of yours?” Buck jokes, “Get him the best friend stamp of approval?”
And, oh. Right. Eddie came out to Buck, but he hasn’t told him how he feels about him yet. That Buck is the man in question. That Eddie’s heart has been his now for an embarrassingly long time. Long enough for the idea of Eddie loving anyone other than Buck to be laughable. Eddie’s heart aches with love for him so much, he feels his breath catching with it.
“Well, you’ll need to approve of it for sure,” Eddie says thoughtfully, “Just not in the way you’re thinking.”
Buck’s expression turns puzzled, but he still looks hurt, and Eddie could say more, he probably should say more, but instead he spares them both a long winded explanation and reaches for Buck instead. One of his hands rests against the back of Buck’s head, fingers brushing against his hair, while the other rests against Buck’s cheek. Eddie sees the exact moment realization dawns across Buck’s face, and in any other situation, he would laugh or tease Buck about it. Right now, his focus is solely on Buck’s parted lips.
Eddie inches closer util their foreheads are nearly touching, but doesn’t close the space between them yet, needing a confirmation first.
“Buck, can I kiss you?” Eddie asks, voice far steadier than he feels. Against his hands, Buck’s skin feels so warm and inviting. Buck’s blue eyes are fixed on Eddie’s and so Eddie sees the slow blink he does, accompanied by a genuine smile. The sun breaking through clouds.
“Yes,” Buck whispers, so close that his breath brushes against Eddie’s lips. “Yeah. Kiss me.”
And that is all the prompting Eddie needs before he leans in and finally -god, finally!- brushes his mouth against Buck’s.The first touch of their lips is chaste and innocent, a hello and oh there you are! of sorts, but then Eddie captures Buck’s lower lip and then they’re kissing for real. Eddie thinks distantly that he would never in all his life tire of this or take it for granted. His lips against Buck’s, his hand in Buck’s hair and stroking his cheek, being the one to hear the little noises Buck makes when the kiss deepens. Eddie takes all of it and holds it deep within his chest, letting it warm him from the inside out and settle him deeper into this newly found sense of comfort.
They pull back to catch their breath, and Eddie takes that for the opportunity of kissing the side of Buck’s mouth, then his cheek, and his mouth again where Buck is smiling again.
“So, I’ll take it you approve?” Eddie teases, startling a laugh out of Buck and earning himself another light bunch to the shoulder.
“You’re a real jerk, you know that?” Buck’s voice is too fond to hold any heat, and he can’t seem to stop smiling. Eddie is suffering the same problem. “I don’t know how people can’t see it, but you’re such a jerk. You really had me worried there for a bit,” Buck tries to laugh it off, but the words are too honest for it to work. “Thought I’d lost you to some nameless guy coming in and sweeping you off your feet.”
“Nothing to worry about, bud,” Eddie’s heart aches again, this time for a different reason. If he needs to then Eddie will spend the rest of his life convincing Evan Buckley that he deserves to be loved, and that Eddie would never walk away from him. “No one else in here,” Eddie taps at his chest, “And I’m not going anywhere without you.”
And that seems to be the exact right thing to say because Buck’s eyes shimmer even as he rolls them at Eddie with a put upon groan. “Okay, fine. Works for me, I guess.”
Eddie laughs at that, relishing the answering grin it draws out of Buck. They’re about to start kissing again, lips a breath apart, when Buck jumps back with an expression of pure shock, his face beautifully flushed.
“Shit. Wait, wait,” Buck says with comically wide eyes, “You told your grandmother about me?”
Eddie throws his head back and laughs until his sides hurt.
we found each other in the dark
chapter 2/4: changing tides; word count: 4.8k || read on ao3
There's no doubt, the beauty that we see, Following the path, so much older than we Lovers built it with their hands, walked it with their feet Above the raging waters and the darkness underneath
Buck tumbles backward against the bed, his eyes glued on Ali above him as she slips off her shirt and makes quick work of his as well. A curious expression takes over her features as she looks down at him.
“Edmundo,” she says, tracing her fingertips slowly along his rib cage. “Should I be offended you didn’t tell me?” Her eyes are fixed on his torso before flashing to his face.
Buck takes a moment to try and understand what it is she’s saying but nothing about her words makes even an ounce of sense to him. His brows furrow in confusion.
“Wait, what?” He sits up, her hand sliding away.
“You’ve got the name printed on your skin. What do you mean what?” Ali asks teasingly.
Buck’s face falls, his heart sinking with it as he gently sets her aside and rises up from the bed hurriedly. Buck heads straight to the full-length mirror, seeing the name scrawled there backwards in the reflection.
There are seven letters there where they had only ever been one.
“No. No way,” he mutters to himself, trying and failing to reconcile with the image before him.
“You didn’t know?”
“It wasn’t there this morning,” he replies quietly, still staring in disbelief.
He definitely would have taken notice to a full name scribbled across his flesh when he showered and dressed for the day. That wasn’t the sort of thing that escaped a person’s notice, especially a guy who has spent the last nine years wondering if this would ever happen.
His throat is dry and his heart won’t stop racing. There’s a loud pounding in his ears that threatens to deafen him.
“So, you must’ve met him at some point today then.”
Buck scrolls through his memory of the day. He didn’t meet anyone new. He went about his day same as usual. Nothing out of the ordinary happened. He woke up. He went for a run. He ran errands. He stopped off for coffee—
But he did bump into someone when he was leaving, had he not? Buck had been so busy looking at his phone that he hadn’t even bothered to look up. All he could do was offer a half-hearted apology as he typed up his message to Ali, letting her know they were still on for tonight. Had he seriously blown right past the man he was supposedly fated to be with?
Buck finally tears his eyes away from his reflection to look back at Ali. She’s perched on the edge of the bed, eyeing him thoughtfully with one of her knees pulled up to her chest.
“We had a pretty good run,” she says, matter-of-factly. “We both knew this wasn’t going to last forever.”
That much was true. Buck had only had the letter E to go off of, but that was more than enough to rule Ali out as his soulmate. All the same, the full name of her fated partner hadn’t fully appeared either so the two were more than content with enjoying the downtime together.
Now that the compass within him has a true north, Buck can feel something shifting inside him already. This truly changed everything, putting it all into clearer focus now. There was no more doubting that he was actually destined to be with someone or that his true love had passed away or any of the other wild theories he’d wrapped himself in to help stave off the fear that this day would never come.
It was here now, the proof quite literally in black and white, that it was foretold he had another half, one that was walking the streets of L.A. right now and that he had crossed paths with. To know that he had narrowly missed his soulmate was a shock to the system but Buck had gone this long without having more than the first letter. Surely luck was finally on his side now and he would get the chance to actually meet this man—Edmundo, as it were—face to face sooner rather than later. This was a huge amount of progress to make in one day. If he could make leaps and bounds that great in less than twenty-four hours, Buck was feeling optimistic about what the future had in store.
“Ali—,” he starts off but she simply waves him off, already slipping back on her shirt.
“Seriously, don’t sweat it. I’m really happy for you, Buck. This is a good thing. Now you finally know what you’re looking for.”
Buck can’t help but to agree with the sentiment. Had he not spoken to Ali about this the other night? While he enjoyed hooking up because he didn’t think he had a soulmate, each time he met someone with a name starting with E he would always hold his breath in anticipation, waiting for the rest of the letters to fill in along his flesh but it never happened. Now he has a name in mind, something tangible to use going forward that hadn’t been there in the years before.
Ali gets up from the bed and walks over to him, slipping her arms around his waist. This is goodbye, he knows it, but that doesn’t make it any easier to accept.
“Good luck,” she says softly against his lips, kissing him for the last time.
Even though he knew Ali wasn’t his future, he still sincerely enjoyed these present moments with her.
“You too. I really hope you find your person soon.” He means it from the bottom of his heart. Ali is a great girl and whoever she ends up with is going to be extremely lucky.
Ali offers him one last smile and a peck on his cheek before heading out. Buck just stays in place and watches as she makes her way down the steps. It isn’t until he hears the door close that he turns back to face the mirror and the truth branded onto his skin.
~*~*~
Eddie takes off his watch, blindly rubbing at his wrist. He glances down briefly and does a double take. Instead of three letters he sees four. An N has now hitched itself to the end of his soulmate’s name—or at least what he had believed to be the name. All this time he had been convinced he was searching for a woman named Eva but there it was, clear as day that he had it all wrong. The universe wasn’t finished speaking to him yet; he was off base in his assumption on all accounts.
Evan, his left wrist reads in a hasty scrawl. Eddie traces his finger over the name, following the strokes of the four letters.
Eddie is stunned by this revelation for several reasons, namely that his soulmate is another man. Eddie has only admitted privately to himself that he’s attracted to other guys. He isn’t ashamed of it but he’s never really had the language or capacity to express that to anyone in his life. It was always easier, maybe even safer for him to get caught up in the idea that while Shannon wasn’t his true life partner, there was a woman out there who could be.
But now with this update to his soulmate marking, he’s forced to confront a truth about himself he hasn’t always been so keen on exploring. He reasons with himself now, however. There was no just cause to feel nervous. He is miles away from his unhappy life back in Texas. Los Angeles was meant to be a clean slate, a turning point in his life. It looks as if the city has every intention of living up to the expectations he had for it when making the decision to leave El Paso.
He doesn’t owe anyone any details about his life and, honestly, Eddie is more than tired of feeling like a guest in his own skin. It’s high time he settles into the person he was always meant to be. He owes that to himself.
Eddie sits on the edge of his bed, still staring at the name and trying to pinpoint when he met this man. There was the teller at the bank, he thinks, but Eddie quickly rules that out, recalling that the guy’s name tag didn’t say Evan. He hadn’t had much interaction with anyone. The barista at the coffee shop was a young woman, as was the person he spoke to over the phone with at what he hoped would be Chris’ school. Eddie starts to feel panicked. If he didn’t speak directly to Evan then he must have just been really near to him.
Though he’s had his whole life to grapple with that fact, it only hits him now fully how messed up that is. There are billions of people on the planet. He’s in one of the most populated cities in the United States. His soulmate could be anywhere and somehow the man evaded him even though they were close enough to each other to warrant the full name to appear.
Is it possible he had truly seen the face of the person he was fated to be with and not known it? A naïve part of Eddie thought he would just know the second he met his other half. That the marking would tingle or he’d just catch their eye and it would fall into place from there. Perhaps that was just some dormant romanticism rearing its head. But he knew better than most that life wasn’t that easy and hardly ever went according to plan, especially if it was for something you desperately wanted. At least that’s how the story went for him in virtually every aspect.
He lets out a deep sigh and flops back onto his bed, staring up at the ceiling for so long he swears he can see new colors in the white paint. Eddie closes his eyes and sighs once again wondering if the universe will show him kindness or if he’ll have to wait another nine years to solve the mystery of who his soulmate is.
He takes comfort in having a first name. He can’t imagine anything else will follow after this. Now the next leg of the challenge begins: tracking down this man.
“Dad?” he hears Chris call from the door.
Eddie sits up quickly. He hadn’t even heard his son approach with how wrapped up he was in his musings.
“What’s up, kiddo?”
“Can we have a movie night tonight?” Chris asks, a hopeful smile on his face. Who in the world could say no to that?
“Of course, we can. I’ll order pizza and you pick the movie we watch. Sound good?”
“Sounds perfect!” Chris counters. Satisfied with the answer he’s gotten, he turns around and heads down the hall toward the living room.
Eddie remains seated upright, soon burying his head in his hands. There’s so much he still has to figure out. How to be a single father, how to raise his son in a new city where he himself is still getting used to everything. It feels as if he’s got the weight of the world on his shoulders. His life is the very definition of busy, cartoonishly so. More often than not he doesn’t know which way is up but he’s trying; Lord knows he’s giving it everything he’s got.
Maybe now isn’t the time to go thinking about soulmates, now that he thinks of it. Just because the name appeared in its entirety doesn’t mean he has to do anything about it. After all, he reasons, there isn’t much he even can do. It’s not as if he can take out a billboard on Sunset Boulevard asking every man in the city named Evan to meet him in person. If he really is meant to find his other half, he’ll show up when he’s supposed to. Eddie has to believe that. Until then, Eddie won’t allow himself to open that door.
Renewed in his thinking, Eddie allows himself one more brief moment to come to terms with his decision before getting up from the bed. All he can do now is maintain control over the things in his life that are actual certainties. There’s a little boy a few feet away who needs his undivided attention and that is where his priorities will always remain. He can’t afford any distractions, not when there’s already so much at stake.
“You coming, Dad?” Christopher calls out. Eddie’s ready for action, swiping his phone from where it sits beside him on the mattress.
“I’m calling the shop right now,” he says back, already searching the number and pressing to call as he reaches the door to join Chris in the living room.
~*~*~
When Buck awakes the next day, his hand instantly reaches for the side of his ribs. He barely got any sleep last night with how wound up he was, fixating over the name that had worked its way onto his skin without him even knowing it. That was one of the hardest things for Buck to wrap his mind around. Something so monumental had taken place for him right under his nose and he’d been so ridiculously unaware.
He spent a great deal of his night thinking about Edmundo. He wondered what he looked like, what his hobbies were. He pictured him as being tall and dark haired. He imagined he was an adventurous guy who liked trying new things like him. If this was the person he was meant to be with, he figured they’d ought to have a few things in common.
In one day, he’s gone from not putting any real stock into wondering about the specifics of his soulmate to keeping a running tab on all the qualities he hopes the other man possesses.
Now you finally know what you’re looking for, Ali had said and it’s true. Buck had been directionless for years but yesterday’s update changed all that. He’s still unsure how or when he’ll get the chance to meet Edmundo again but he tries his hand at tempting fate, deciding to go back to the place where he believes this whole thing started.
He has a shift today so he can’t exactly hang around the coffee shop for a while like he wishes he could. All the same when he returns, he quickly realizes just how futile his approach is. He didn’t actually see the guy he bumped into. He can’t even safely guess at a description so truly any man inside the café could be the one. Moreover, the odds that Edmundo is even here right now are slim to none. It’s a brand new day and morning at that. Maybe his soulmate only comes here during the afternoon or maybe he just happened to be in the neighborhood yesterday and decided to drop by.
Variables. Far too many variables that make him uneasy.
Buck notes the time and sees that he has to go. As much as he’s caught up in his personal life, there are other lives he has to center his energy on today. He can’t afford to have his attention stolen away when people are counting on him. He decides to stick a pin in this for now as he exits the coffee shop with one last hopeful glance over his shoulder. Edmundo is out there; he can be assured of that, if nothing else. If luck isn’t on his side two days in a row, there’s still a stretch of time laid out before him for the miracle to take place.
~*~*~
Sometimes it felt like Eddie was the punchline to a joke the universe never grew tired of. His meeting at Chris’ school had gone well; the tour of the building exceeded his expectations. He’d been thorough online, combing through every page on the school’s site and reading up on what parents of students past and present had to say. With his luck he should have known a wrench would find its way into a situation that had, until this precise moment, been utterly perfect.
“All we need now is to speak with Christopher’s mother. After that interview, we should be seeing Christopher in our halls soon enough.”
Eddie blinks at the coordinator for a moment, running through her statement again.
“Is that going to be a problem?” she asks, picking up on his hesitation.
Eddie quickly shakes his head and clears his throat. He’s come this far. He’s not about to squander Chris’ chances of success because he’s caught off guard.
“No, not at all.” He isn’t sure how much truth there is to the statement but he’ll figure out a way to make this work. For Chris he’ll move mountains.
Eddie leaves the office and heads to the parking lot, his mind racing. It’s just one more hurdle for him to have to jump when he had felt confident there wouldn’t be any more obstacles in his path. He was dreading having to pick up the phone and call Shannon. He hoped the talk would go well but right now, he didn’t want to dwell on that. His next step was to get Chris and check in with his grandmother and make good on his promise to her.
Eddie heads straight to Abuela’s place to repair her kitchen sink. She’d spoken to him this morning about it when he dropped Christopher off and he’d given his word he’d take a look after his meeting. Her home isn’t too far from the school and he arrives about fifteen minutes later.
Before he gets out of the car, Eddie takes a moment to pull himself together. Though his thoughts are heavy, he doesn’t want his grandmother to see he’s stressing. He isn’t ready to talk about having to speak to and subsequently see Shannon so soon. He’d really convinced himself that he could have a bit of time before he’d have to see her face to face. But Chris’ education and comfort trumped his trepidation. He settled on the notion of calling Shannon when he got home later. He had no doubt the school probably reached out to her the second he left the office but still, he knew he had to relay the information as well.
Eddie quickly glances at himself in the rear-view mirror. His eyes look weary but he supposes his grandmother will just think it’s from getting settled in still. He nods once to himself and gets out, fishing his key to the house out of his pocket.
“Abuela?” he calls out once he’s let himself in and locks back the door.
“In here,” she shouts back from the kitchen. Eddie walks through the house, greeting her with a hug and kiss on the cheek. She has the toolbox already on the ground by the sink for him.
“Where’s Chris?” The inside of the house is oddly quiet. There aren’t any cartoon voices or beeping of electronics.
“He’s out in the yard. He felt like reading outside an hour ago. I certainly wasn’t going to stop him,” she muses.
“Naturally,” Eddie laughs. “Well, let’s have a look at this sink then, yeah?”
Eddie slips off his watch and sets it aside on the kitchen counter before kneeling to the ground and settling on his back under the sink. He gets to work, moving methodically and chatting with his grandmother as she recounts her day with Christopher. She, like literally everyone that knows him, is completely smitten. Not too long after, he’s done. Eddie sets the wrench aside and gets back on his feet. He reaches out to turn on the faucet when his grandmother hurries over, grabbing a hold of his wrist.
“Edmundo, what’s this?” she asks.
Eddie’s heart clenches the same way it does when one misses a step on a flight of stairs. He tries pulling back his hand but it’s too late; the damage is already done.
“It’s nothing worth talking about.” He doesn’t mean it to be rude or dismissive but if he can prevent this conversation from happening, he’ll steer the talk away from going there as fast as humanly possible.
The stern looks she gives him tells Eddie that he won’t be able to avoid it, however.
“You’ve met your soulmate? This…Evan,” she says, tilting her head and reading off the name.
Eddie is too distracted for a moment to answer her question. There doesn’t seem to be any shock to her that it’s a man’s name branded on his skin instead of a woman’s.
“I must have but I don’t know where he is or even who he is for that matter. It just filled in yesterday.”
Finally, his grandmother lets go of his hand and Eddie draws in a breath to steady himself. He grips the lip of the counter with both his hands, his shoulders hunched over. Through the window he can see Christopher in the backyard, laying out in the afternoon sun with his head buried in a book, so blissfully unaware of the turmoil his father has been feeling since he made the discovery.
“I thought—it said Eva for so long that this whole time I thought I was searching for a woman.” Saying the words out loud strikes Eddie differently than when the sentiment was just swirling around in his head.
“The heart wants what it wants,” Abuela says, as if it’s truly just that simple. Maybe it is but Eddie is still trying to piece it all together for himself.
“Well, it doesn’t matter what it wants. I need to focus on what my head is telling me.”
“Which is?” She sighs and shakes her head. “You can’t run from destiny, Eddie, no matter how much it scares you. One way or another, it’s going to catch up with you. It’s inevitable.”
Eddie wishes he didn’t find that statement as intimidating as he does but it terrifies him to his very core. Some people find comfort in knowing what the road ahead looks like. For a time, Eddie himself had clung to that too. When his fights with Shannon turned vicious and intense, he’d lie beside her in bed, facing the opposite way soothing his nerves with the idea that there was more for him out there. He’d feel guilty for it but there was no mistaking that he and Shannon brought out the worst in each other because they knew they weren’t meant for one another. They were trying to force something that didn’t come naturally and that was a method that was doomed from the start.
He’d picture Eva, her face always shrouded or constantly changing. Even without that certainty, the concept of her was enough of a beacon to guide him through the heaviest of storms.
Now that image he’s spent years fixating on has morphed into something he can’t even begin to guess at. It’s too much change all at once and Eddie can’t handle that kind of stress right now, he’s decided. He has more pressing concerns like continuing to get settled in Los Angeles. He’s got Christopher’s school situation almost secured and now he just needs to work on settling into the new job he’s lined up for himself.
“I’ve managed to avoid it for this long, haven’t I? It’s fine. I’m fine.”
She frowns and Eddie can’t bear the sight. He turns his focus back on his son, glad that he’s so far removed from all of this.
“I don’t think you are,” she says. “And I know you don’t truly believe that either.”
Eddie’s jaw clenches, his shoulders stiffening after being called out. Eddie knows she means well but it’s jarring to be seen so plainly.
He turns on the tap, letting the water run for a bit. He peers down under the sink to make sure pipe is holding up. Everything is just fine, as he knew it would be. There are at least some broken things he’s capable of fixing.
“I need to get Christopher home,” he says decidedly, glancing over his shoulder at her. He leans down and kisses her on the cheek. “Thank you for watching him. I really appreciate it.”
“Ed—,” she starts but Eddie doesn’t give her the chance to get any further as he heads for the back door and leaves.
He can’t afford to hear the rest of her statement. He can’t stand there being fed a lie that he deserves to be happy. He had fooled himself temporarily into thinking this update to his marking could be a good thing but his life was already hectic as it was. Adding in this new factor on top of everything else seemed more like a liability than an asset. And if there’s one thing Eddie doesn’t need in his life right now, it’s another complication.
~*~*~
Buck tries his luck at the coffee shop again though he knows better now this time than to have high expectations. He gets there a bit earlier to see if ten minutes will make much of a difference but he doesn’t hear anyone say the name Edmundo to their friends. None of the baristas call out that name either when drinks are ready to be served. Today pans out much like the last two days; frequenting the coffee shop has become part of his daily routine now.
Admitting defeat, Buck takes his coffee to go, finishing it on the car ride over to the station.
When he gets to work, he heads straight for the locker room, exchanging greetings with Chimney as he steps inside.
“Have you met the new guy yet?” Chimney asks, lacing up his work shoes on the bench as Buck chucks his coffee cup into the garbage bin by the door.
“There’s a new guy?”
Chimney switches feet and works on his laces again.
“Yeah, up from Texas. Apparently, he’s a lucky get. Bobby says another station wanted him but he picked us.”
Buck’s heart races a little faster. On any other day he wouldn’t have thought much about this. New recruits weren’t exactly uncommon but given the name he can practically feel tingling on his torso right this second, he can’t help but feel his curiosity pique.
He wants to ask flat out if the man’s name is Edmundo but that would raise questions he isn’t ready to answer yet. He’s about to ask just casually what the recruit’s name is but Chimney’s phone starts to buzz and he excuses himself to take the call.
Buck tries not to get discouraged but his heart still sinks regardless as he stuffs his belongings into his locker. His mind can’t help but to jump to the conclusion that this latest addition to the 118 is the man he’s spent the last three days trying to meet. It feels too coincidental that this guy would just show up out of the blue. That the station was lucky to have him. There was a possibility for him to land at another station but he found his way to this one just three days after Buck’s soulmate’s name presented itself fully after nine whole years of waiting.
Steeling himself, Buck leaves out of the locker room and makes his way up the stairs to the loft where he can hear the early morning chatter of his coworkers and Hen’s warm laughter.
There’s a new face seated around the table, one that—admittedly—Buck is attracted to.
Bobby is the first to notice his arrival and he gestures for him to come closer to where he sits at the head of the table.
“Buck, this is Eddie. I was just filling him in on what he can expect for his first day and introducing him to everyone.”
Buck’s knees almost give right then and there.
Eddie.
It’s a nickname that can apply to many different names: Edward, Eduardo, Edwin, Edgar. Hell, maybe his actual name was Eddie. But Buck holds out hope that it’s short for Edmundo. That the universe is putting his years’ long searching to an end.
“It’s nice to meet you,” he says a bit stiffly due to shock. He offers up a warm smile to make up for it and in return, Eddie flashes one back.
He’s got warm brown eyes that crinkle at the corners when he smiles. It’s such an open expression that Buck feels as if he knows him. Maybe it’s wishful thinking or maybe this is actually a sign. Either way, Buck knows that Eddie’s smile is something he can easily get addicted to.
“It’s nice to meet you, too,” Eddie says, extending his hand to Buck. “I’m really looking forward to us working together.”
Please let this be him, Buck thinks as he shakes Eddie’s hand.
A small part of him feels like it’s falling already.
Just wanted to say thank you so, so much for all the hard work you put in this past month for the 30 days of Tarlos. Getting a new fic notification every day truly made my month of June so much better! Your writing is always so amazing and I really enjoyed everything you wrote. Thank you again! :))
thank you for the message love!! I’m so glad you enjoy the 30 days!!
lollllllll i actually haven't used carlos dancing that many times.... maybe like 4 times?? there needs to be more
i’m disappointed that it’s not in every gif jill 🕺🕺