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Friday, July.29.2022

A perfect day for browsing the bookstores downtown. I visited a used bookstore and two local stores, and bought myself a cupcake!

#rain diary #bookblr #bookstagram #studyblr #book blog #online diary #visual diary #study blog #pod #lgbt

#coffee talk #coffee #photooftheday #my photos #rain diary #rain diaries مذكراتـ المطر

Brain: time to do something

Me: ok, what do?

Brain: I dunno, thing

Me: watch Netflix?

Brain: no

Me: play games?

Brain: no

Me: study that language I wanna learn?

Brain: no

Me: eat? Drink?

Brain: no

Me: then what do????

Brain: I don't know!!!

Me: *just staring into space in boredom*

Brain: ah yes perfect this is it

#adhd #is this an adhd thing?#the feeling of wanting to SOMETHING #but nothing is right #just that kinda built up energy yanno?#rain diary

#coffee talk #coffee #قهوة السابعة #قهوة مساء #قهوة تايم #rain diary #rain diaries مذكراتـ المطر #myphoto #myworld #mywriting

Sensory overload?

So yesterday (21/1/19), I had what I can only describe as a meltdown (?). This is the second time something like this has happened lately and I wanna write it down so I don't forget what it felt like.

My boyfriend and I were helping my mum make dinner, homemade pizzas. My dad was also in the room painting parts for his model ship. When she cooks, my mum likes to put on music. Usually I don't have a problem with it. Anyway, we were making the pizza bases. I was kneading the dough and it felt really tough. I'm weak anyways but this felt like it was sapping all my energy. Even just pushing down at the dough a few times made me feel really worn out. Mum's music was blaring, the oven was on and it was hot and I was wearing a jumper. I felt so overheated, the music was way too loud, the light was too bright, there was flour under my fingernails and my boyfriend was talking to me. It felt like my attention was pulled in a million different places at once.

I stepped away a bit to let my boyfriend take over. I was breathing a bit funny and my mum asked if I was ok. I thought I was just too hot, so I went upstairs to change into a t shirt or something. As soon as I got into my room it felt better. It was cooler and quieter. I lay down on the bed and didn't move. My bedroom is above the kitchen so I could still hear mum's music vibrating downstairs. I stared at the wall. Even looking at the wallpaper felt like too much. I put a pillow over my face and waited to feel better. It wasn't feeling better. I could still hear mum's music. I turned the light off.

After a few minutes my boyfriend came up to check if I was ok. He turned the light on when he came in so I put the pillow back over my face. He asked me some questions and I felt like I couldn't answer what was wrong. Everything just felt too much to handle. I was breathing heavily again and almost begged him to turn off the light. He did.

I kept the pillow over my face and without warning I started crying. I don't know why. I wasn't sad. I even said so to him. I was having a good time making pizzas with my family. He seemed to be spooked by me crying randomly but I didn't know what to do. It was almost involuntary. I was emotionlessly sobbing. I didn't want a hug even though he asked, because I wasn't upset. I just wanted everything to stop.

After a couple of minutes I stopped crying, and eventually I was able to go back downstairs after the pizza was done being made. I still felt kinda number for a while after though, like I didn't want anything to stimulate (?) me again.

Has anyone else ever had something like this happen to them? If so is it related to ADHD or something similar? Or was it just some kind of anxiety/panic attack? I am not diagnosed but I have a strong suspicion I may have ADHD. My boyfriend tends to brush off any of my symptoms I tell him about, saying they're "normal", but honestly this doesn't seem normal to me.

I just feel lost.