Jun 14, 2011
The Bar Ilan 2011 Banquet Video. Directed by Rob Robbins.
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The Bar Ilan 2011 Banquet Video. Directed by Rob Robbins.
Kenny: King of Cats
This blog post is about a week late, but I feel like I need to get it off my chest.
As you may know from many of the posts on this blog, I hate cats. Especially from Israel, and especially from Ramat Ef'al. They tend to be cold, heartless, wild animals that would go the extra mile to bite your ear off and poop on your front lawn.
But alas, about a week ago, a very special feline came to Ramat Ef'al. There's a chance it's a girl cat, but we named it Kenny (aka Mordechai). And it blew our freakin' minds. Kenny didn't run from us like the other "garbage" cats. He/she didn't try to steal food. The cat felt comfortable around people and we felt comfortable around it. In the picture, below, you see Kenny drinking from the saucer of milk we laid out for it.
But in accordance with Ramat Ef'als slogan "Don't get used to anything good because it won't last too long," someone managed to find a way to get rid of Kenny. Just moments after the above photo was taken, someone came outside in a blind rage and kicked Kenny three times, at least once in the head. Those of us who liked the cat were too shocked to make a move to protect him. But unfortunately most people made comments like "f#*k that cat" or "that rodent can eat shit." Something about Israeli lifestyle makes them hate every cat in the world even if its the nicest cat in world. And apparently Israelis also don't know that a cat is not a rodent; it is actually of the order "Carnivora," and it would claw Israelis eyes out and eat the shit out their brains if they realized that homo sapiens (who are Primates) were comparing them to street rats.
After the incident, Kenny has not been the same. His natural wild feline senses have taken over, rendering him less like the calm, domesticated cat he once and more like the garbage cat that Israelis try to make him (wouldn't you act like that, too, if someone tried kicking you in the face??). Don't get me wrong; I hate garbage cats just like the rest of sensible people. But if a cat has the potential to emerge from the shadowy alleys of Tel Aviv and present itself as a true to gem to genus Felis, then I believe we, as self-proclaimed members of society, have the right and privilege to treat a deserving animal properly.
I haven't seen Kenny in a week. I hope he is ok. Maybe we can treat him with the respect and love he once garnered. Oh and to PETA, if you are reading this, prepare yourself if you ever come to Israel. Sure, Koreans may eat cats, but at least they don't drown them.
Maybe this Place Actually is a Prison
I'm sick. Physically. For the third time in 2 months. That's not normal. I have never been this sick this often in my life. And I am not the only one here with such an unfortunate health record. I have many friends who have all been as sick as me multiple times. Strep, sinus infection, bronchitis...name anything and someone here has come down with it.
I would say perhaps this is a coincidence. But research on the topic of living conditions of various prisons has led me to believe that it is not. Here is the shocking conclusion that I have come to:
The Claim: The living conditions of Ramat Ef'al are worse than that of most prisons.
The 5 Facts to Back it Up:
1) Lets start with size. According to an article in Haaretz, Israeli prisoners each receive a minimum of 48.44 square feet of living space. Compare this to our dorm rooms, which I measured at 102.87 square feet. But keep in mind, our rooms are shared. I happen to be among the lucky who had the hindsight to pay for a double room, so I am entitled to a whopping 51.435 square feet of living space. But most people here have a total of three people in their room, equating to sub-prison standard of 34.3 square feet per person.
Prisons in America tell the same tale. For example, in Tennessee, prisoners in single-occupancy cells are granted 50 square feet of floor space. And they don't even have to pay extra for a single room! In fact, they are probably given the room as a punishment for making people pay by murdering them. Multiple-occupancy cells even give at least 40 square feet of room per inmate. Still better than a three person room here.
2) Included in a prisoner's fully subsidized stay in jail are many amenities which we in Ramat Ef'al have to pay for. This includes: exercise time (we pay $400 for gym membership), free meals (we scavenge for food ourselves) and free laundry (Blanco and that washing machine that steals money can kiss my ass--I'd wear an orange jumpsuit if I didn't have to pay to clean it).
3) I guess we get what we pay for. It costs $26,100 of tax money to pay for incarceration of one Israeli prisoner per year. In America it costs between $18,000 and $31,000 depending on the state. And we pay about $20,000 here. Now that's some sweet deal!
4) You may not be the biggest fan of physical containment and isolation, but you have to admit that prisons are a lot safer than Ramat Ef'al. Firstly, the guard here falls asleep half the time and willingly lets anyone in as long as you look him in the eye and/or are carrying a pizza. Secondly, the rooms are way more secure. I've never heard of cats breaking into a prison cell, cats making noises like they are giving birth outside a prison, or cats breaking into a prison kitchen and peeing everywhere. You get the point.
5) Lastly, just to really make my claims absolutely clear, take a look at some of themost luxurious prisons in the world. It's not even a contest.
Now that the comparisons are out of the way, I feel like a big hypocrite for continuing to live here. But like Kanye West once said, "N-n-now that that don't kill me can only make me stronger." Let's just hope these Ef'al cats don't have rabies.
-Written by Efailblog.com Staff
Traveler's Guide to Efal
The Good, the Bad and the Ugly.
As one enters the settlement, the first thing they will notice is:
The Large Sketchy Gated Area on your right
No one is really sure what types of activities occur beyond this highly secured area. But it would be shocking to hear that all these Russian M-16 carrying guards, night vision security cameras, and randomly placed tire spikes are in place for anything less than trying to conceal the whereabouts of a drug cartel consisting of some former KGB agents.
It is also rumored that they have a pretty nice olympic-sized swimming pool in there, but the pool-boy won't talk about it. The last time a pool-boy did talk, he mysteriously found himself being fished out of the pool by the new pool-boy.
If you manage to get past (i.e. bribe) the guard (a cold bowl of borscht usually suffices), you will find yourself on a long stretch of road. Take a left at the fork and you will end up at the one and only:
Seminar Ef'al (aka 1 Rechov Hayasmin)
Seminar Ef'al is more than just a failed, barbed-wire enclosed 1970's Kibbutz. It's the location of many unique establishments including:
1) An aging Sportan sports complex.
Wanna get buff fast? I hear Sergey the Russian trainer there will hook you up with the right workout regimen. Or the right type of anabolic steroid. Whatever suits your mood.
Wanna take a dive in the pool? You'd better not. Unless you enjoy wading in the scum growing on the surface or want to watch old ladies test their stroke at synchronized swimming. The sauna might be a better choice, depending on your tolerance for nudity.
Wanna shoot some hoops? Good luck. If you manage to adjust your shot to both the 10.2 foot basket on the one side of the court and the 9.6 foot basket on the other side, then you might just manage a swish every hundred attempts or so. You also may want to watch out for the many cracks and protrusions in the court; we wouldn't want that killer crossover to literally break ankles.
2) A random place for adults and youth groups to learn about Kibbutzim.
I get it. The Kibbutz failed. So they should learn not to repeat their mistakes. But how does sitting Indian-style in circles that look like Alcoholics Anonymous meetings help achieve this?
3) The dwelling of the 95 students attending the Bar Ilan Israel Experience.
At first glance, the accommodations aren't anything glorious: crumbling concrete walls, two-month-old eggs congealed upon a windowsill, random kitchen appliances strewn across the front yard. A 'happily-ever-after' story would have me writing: "but it's what's on the inside that matters most." Unfortunately, though, the accommodations aren't very glorious at second glance either.
Regardless, the students on the Israel Experience program have learned to make the most of the barbed-wire enclosed area they now know as home. Air conditioners and the occasional Wi-Fi connection are a plus. And it today's world, that's really all teenagers need.
4) The Car
If you are a regular of the seminar, then you are aware of the infamous car. It has been parked in the same spot in the parking lot for as long as anyone can remember. During the day it blends in with all the other cars in the lot, but at night, when all the non-abandoned cars are gone, it sticks out as an eerie reminder of Ramat Ef'al's dark side. To say there is probably a body in the trunk is a vast understatement. There is probably at least two bodies, a few automatic weapons, and a bunch of sequentially marked bills.
Some more features of Ramat Ef'al:
Papa Gino's Pizza
Papa Gino's is truly a staple of Ramat Ef'al. It is the only place to buy fresh, oven-baked pizza in the whole town. And the pizza isn't half bad. But one may find it a little odd that Gino's has about eight full time employees in a whole-in-the-wall shop that seems to physically hold four people. There are a few theories about this apparent overstaffing, the dominating one being that Gino's is almost definitely a front for an underground cockfighting arena. If you ask for a "pita," the employees shudder, fearing that you are referring to the activist group PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals). The next time you are ordering a slice at the cashier, listen closely for hushed chirping noises coming from the "storage closet" in the back. But be careful who you tell. You may just end up face down in a swimming pool.
The Playground
The playground, located right across the street from Papa Gino's, is a great place for your kids to enjoy the slides, swings, sandbox, and all your other typical playground amenities. It's also a great place for teens to engage in typical rebellious teenage activities. Russians, Israelis, and Israel Experience students use the playground to do everything from smoking cigarettes after dark to receiving a little something the teens like to call Ef'al-lacio.
The Super Market
The Ramat Ef'al super market is packed with more deals than a Walmart on Black Friday. All you need is your special savings card (which is free at the front desk). And pockets. "The bigger the pockets, the bigger the savings," as many Israel Experience students put it. It also helps to go in with an appetite. "They only charge you for what you can't manage to strategically stuff your face with in aisle seven, the only aisle without a security camera," explained an anonymous student.
The Cab Company
Need a cab? Just dial *5955 and ask for one. But if you really need a cab, call another company. These guys will either show up too late, too early, or not at all. They also only know two locations in Ramat Ef'al: the big gate at the seminar and the small gate at the seminar. So if you wake up one night mysteriously tied to a lamppost in the playground and need a way home, your best bet is hitchhiking. At least you're in the right country for that.
Toto Winner Kiosk
Feeling lucky? Test your sports betting skills at the local Toto Winner. Bet on the NBA, Israel Basketball League, soccer, and even the GAFL (Gino's Animal Fighting League). Remember to always pay up any debts to the bookie within a week; roosters can fight people too. When not occupied by the the town's local gamblers, this store doubles as a popular children's hangout due to the extensive toy collection which include some classic children's toys like "Fossil Kit Equipped with Super Glue." That's right, just like Grandpa's shotgun case has a stash of candy in it, the Toto Winner attracts both alcoholics and innocent children.
The Many Cats of Ef'al
Israel is infamous for its stray cats. They come in many sizes and colors. They also come in many shapes. This is particularly true in Ef'al, where the asbestos-filled air contributes to numerous cases of elephant-sized tumors which, when located on the cats' stomachs, may lead to the illusion that these cats aren't actually all starving to death.