I will be making parody news stories and headlines here. Also follow @RapReport for even more! You too Rabbi Bryks and Meir, trust me it will be much more informative than your newsletter.

JVL
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almost home
wallacepolsom
YOU ARE THE REASON
I'd rather be in outer space 🛸
hello vonnie

#extradirty

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ojovivo
Aqua Utopia|海の底で記憶を紡ぐ

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One Nice Bug Per Day
"I'm Dorothy Gale from Kansas"
Game of Thrones Daily
$LAYYYTER

if i look back, i am lost
Claire Keane
he wasn't even looking at me and he found me
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@ramatefail
I will be making parody news stories and headlines here. Also follow @RapReport for even more! You too Rabbi Bryks and Meir, trust me it will be much more informative than your newsletter.
The Bar Ilan 2011 Banquet Video. Directed by Rob Robbins.
At least be consistent with your typos...gosh.
-Submitted by Corey "Corree" Dicker
Stobery Filds fur evor.
-Submitted by Mikey Gelfand
Comes with a side of ass. breads and cheeses.
-Submitted by Jon Morginstin
“Bubbel Bath”, from the people who brought you “Sope”.
Hmmmm...interesting.
Mmm good. Nothing like a pastened safety belt to protect against those dreadful tar accidents.
If it's cat pee, maybe it will glow in the dark!
Only in a gay bar do they serve nachos with salsa "deep"
-Submitted by Sheldon Bruck
Turck Champion: Israel's hottest new toy and latest ridiculous spelling error.
So you know how gummy rings are supposed to have holes in the middle? Right, so no sh*t they don't have holes in Ramat Ef'al...
Under a bus: not the best place to sleep. On second thought, it's probably more spacious than a prison cell.
-Submitted by Yoni Blum
So apparently in Israel you can flush a sink.
Just because it's in a cute little plastic bag, it doesn't mean it's a toy.
Kenny: King of Cats
This blog post is about a week late, but I feel like I need to get it off my chest.
As you may know from many of the posts on this blog, I hate cats. Especially from Israel, and especially from Ramat Ef'al. They tend to be cold, heartless, wild animals that would go the extra mile to bite your ear off and poop on your front lawn.
But alas, about a week ago, a very special feline came to Ramat Ef'al. There's a chance it's a girl cat, but we named it Kenny (aka Mordechai). And it blew our freakin' minds. Kenny didn't run from us like the other "garbage" cats. He/she didn't try to steal food. The cat felt comfortable around people and we felt comfortable around it. In the picture, below, you see Kenny drinking from the saucer of milk we laid out for it.
But in accordance with Ramat Ef'als slogan "Don't get used to anything good because it won't last too long," someone managed to find a way to get rid of Kenny. Just moments after the above photo was taken, someone came outside in a blind rage and kicked Kenny three times, at least once in the head. Those of us who liked the cat were too shocked to make a move to protect him. But unfortunately most people made comments like "f#*k that cat" or "that rodent can eat shit." Something about Israeli lifestyle makes them hate every cat in the world even if its the nicest cat in world. And apparently Israelis also don't know that a cat is not a rodent; it is actually of the order "Carnivora," and it would claw Israelis eyes out and eat the shit out their brains if they realized that homo sapiens (who are Primates) were comparing them to street rats.
After the incident, Kenny has not been the same. His natural wild feline senses have taken over, rendering him less like the calm, domesticated cat he once and more like the garbage cat that Israelis try to make him (wouldn't you act like that, too, if someone tried kicking you in the face??). Don't get me wrong; I hate garbage cats just like the rest of sensible people. But if a cat has the potential to emerge from the shadowy alleys of Tel Aviv and present itself as a true to gem to genus Felis, then I believe we, as self-proclaimed members of society, have the right and privilege to treat a deserving animal properly.
I haven't seen Kenny in a week. I hope he is ok. Maybe we can treat him with the respect and love he once garnered. Oh and to PETA, if you are reading this, prepare yourself if you ever come to Israel. Sure, Koreans may eat cats, but at least they don't drown them.
Maybe this Place Actually is a Prison
I'm sick. Physically. For the third time in 2 months. That's not normal. I have never been this sick this often in my life. And I am not the only one here with such an unfortunate health record. I have many friends who have all been as sick as me multiple times. Strep, sinus infection, bronchitis...name anything and someone here has come down with it.
I would say perhaps this is a coincidence. But research on the topic of living conditions of various prisons has led me to believe that it is not. Here is the shocking conclusion that I have come to:
The Claim: The living conditions of Ramat Ef'al are worse than that of most prisons.
The 5 Facts to Back it Up:
1) Lets start with size. According to an article in Haaretz, Israeli prisoners each receive a minimum of 48.44 square feet of living space. Compare this to our dorm rooms, which I measured at 102.87 square feet. But keep in mind, our rooms are shared. I happen to be among the lucky who had the hindsight to pay for a double room, so I am entitled to a whopping 51.435 square feet of living space. But most people here have a total of three people in their room, equating to sub-prison standard of 34.3 square feet per person.
Prisons in America tell the same tale. For example, in Tennessee, prisoners in single-occupancy cells are granted 50 square feet of floor space. And they don't even have to pay extra for a single room! In fact, they are probably given the room as a punishment for making people pay by murdering them. Multiple-occupancy cells even give at least 40 square feet of room per inmate. Still better than a three person room here.
2) Included in a prisoner's fully subsidized stay in jail are many amenities which we in Ramat Ef'al have to pay for. This includes: exercise time (we pay $400 for gym membership), free meals (we scavenge for food ourselves) and free laundry (Blanco and that washing machine that steals money can kiss my ass--I'd wear an orange jumpsuit if I didn't have to pay to clean it).
3) I guess we get what we pay for. It costs $26,100 of tax money to pay for incarceration of one Israeli prisoner per year. In America it costs between $18,000 and $31,000 depending on the state. And we pay about $20,000 here. Now that's some sweet deal!
4) You may not be the biggest fan of physical containment and isolation, but you have to admit that prisons are a lot safer than Ramat Ef'al. Firstly, the guard here falls asleep half the time and willingly lets anyone in as long as you look him in the eye and/or are carrying a pizza. Secondly, the rooms are way more secure. I've never heard of cats breaking into a prison cell, cats making noises like they are giving birth outside a prison, or cats breaking into a prison kitchen and peeing everywhere. You get the point.
5) Lastly, just to really make my claims absolutely clear, take a look at some of themost luxurious prisons in the world. It's not even a contest.
Now that the comparisons are out of the way, I feel like a big hypocrite for continuing to live here. But like Kanye West once said, "N-n-now that that don't kill me can only make me stronger." Let's just hope these Ef'al cats don't have rabies.
-Written by Efailblog.com Staff