Goodness, that was one of the toughest things I had ever experienced - panel speaking for the first time. I felt I was underprepared and didn't have a lot of answers that was insightful or informative. Luckily or unluckily I was flanked between highly experienced professionals in the industry (who were able to give long and thoughtful responses that filled in the spaces I could not). I was like a baby giving baby answers.
In the middle of it, I had an anxiety attack where I literally thought I was going to throw up or pass out. My vision got really blurry, I was seeing red and yellow spots in my vision and I was trying really hard to focus on breathing slowly (so I don't hyperventilate) and pretending to be normal but the only thing I could do was smile and stare blankly at nothing. During that 10-15seconds of panic I could not retain any information at all from what the host was saying. My body started to burn from within and I was sweating profusely, my entire face was covered in a layer of sweat. And I hope no one noticed I was wiping my face at least 5 times, and fidgeting in my chair. I was battling with my innerself, screaming at it to calm down because it was soon my turn to speak again, and I need to not sound panicked. Miraculous I was able to at least retain some remblence of memory of half the question. And as I gave my answer, the spots in my vision slowly receded. I //did// have to ask the host to repeat the question again (the second time at the panel) because my brain was actively forgetting while as I was speaking.
I'm glad I did not puke in my chair or gave completely incoherent answers throughout the panel. But the pressure and the nerves really got to me and was unobjectively one of the worst professional experiences I've ever had. I cannot tell any of you what I remember that was talked about in this panel because my brain blanked out and I could not for the life of me retain anything that was said.
But I will take this experience and use it as a leverage against myself: that I will never get better if I never take the chance. And I //need// to get better. I cannot fall behind my peers. Because the alternative is much worse.
Thankfully it was not a packed room and I'm glad that there was less than a classroom worth of participants. And some of my friends in the audience told me they did not notice anything wrong the whole time. So at least in this regards I passed.
Moving on, I need to listen to my own advice I gave out. Learn from your experience (and mistakes), keep saying yes, and you'll be able to gain confidence to do it next time.
After all that, I realized I haven't improved my public speaking skills because I haven't given any presentations for nearly a decade since college. And I need to change this. Yes, I need to bring this up at work somehow and tell them I want to get better at this.
