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fuck it, ravensong rant

More like Thomas Benett hate but same thing

#ravensong #ramblingrams #rant post #gordo livingstone #thomas bennett #Thomas Bennett HATE!!!

electric

i suppose i haven't really thought about a lot. of what's happening as of recent. internship ending soon. future path. growing distant with faith. cynicism to social media, government, society. internal complex thought related to sexuality, interest, future. friendship. adulthood and other stuff.

on the other hand, i also didn't have that intense pull to write nowadays. usually, i write when there's strong emotions involved, right? things like sadness, loneliness, depression. and regardless of how, well, mixed i do feel about f, he's a friend. despite the asymmetry, the jealousy and/or being feel like i was left behind, he's a friend. i notice i haven't had like dreams about high school friends recently. because that need of socialization is fulfilled, right? we watch movies. we keep up a regular daily streak. we chat here and there. of course, there's the *after* and *beyond* i do have to think about, because we won't get to take the same train and not to mention what if one of us didn't continue work here? that's one, i suppose.

then, the internship itself. a lot of internal feelings, emotion. gratitude, doubts, wanting to be more, wanting to do more. and on the other hand, is that lacking feeling. not having enough, not understanding enough. not experienced enough. not knowing which direction to take and which path to pursue. what to give during my last days? how do i function and fit and adapt with the people here?

then there's the japanese class. which i took but didn't take properly. i haven't catches up to every lesson. i fell behind but i do like talking and practicing with other people, despite feeling anxious and unsure at times. the excitement, the wonder, and all of that. despite not fully believing there's going to be a chance or opportunity later on. 専門はまだわかりません. like that.

oh well. see. i'll just figure it out. i'll type it later. i thought.

#ramblingrams

figures

Some weird stuff just happened earlier.

Well, I say weird but it's mostly an unsure kind of situation where... Well, once again I was reminded that I am one of many and hinging myself to another person is... Volatile.

I say that because for the past few weeks and even months, I don't think I felt miserable and lonely.

Because there's at least someone who I regularly connected with.

I'm being vague. Alright, the situation being:

Me and this friend was walking back.

He spotted several fellow interns from our batches.

I didn't know he's going to approach them.

He approached them and greeted them, while I was half walking away.

Being faced with that situation, I...

Ended up going on my own, leaving him behind. Not greeting the other interns.

Now, I realize this is making me look aloof and distant.

But in my mind, he was much closer to them. He had lots of common traits and he could fit himself better.

While I would feel like a sore thumb and unable to make myself fit.

I didn't like the thought of being in an uncomfortable situation, so I left.

Ideally, of course, ideally, I would've gone with friend and greeted them. Then I'll make some chat here and there. And then maybe I'll ask him, "You're staying here or nah? I'm leaving earlier, then. See you, all." Something like that.

But it wasn't like that.

Feels like a coward.

Also feels like I was the one being left behind, even though physically I'm the one who walked away.

Me and this friend already decided on watching a movie after work.

Ugh. It soured me a bit.

Well, I suppose that's me being selfish. Or jealous. Or a damn anxious wreck when it came to people I don't really know.

Now I'm seeing the optics back, and it does look back.

"Why did he leave you?"

"Why are you hanging with him, anyway?"

Which is frankly, ridiculous. Though I did get the gist that he did want to socialize with others. And probably did more, anyway.

Which led me to my conclusion:

I shouldn't put everything into this guy.

I should also give ourselves some distance. It would do me good, I suppose.

Expect less, be hurt less, enjoy life. Something like that.

#ramblingrams

parry

just saw the news about two college student about to be dropped out from college because someone recorded them without their consent, kissing, as guys. both of them humiliated, one of their father punched the son, knelt in public as he wishes for his son to be dropped out. being displayed publicly in front of audience chanting and calling them their names. posters being spread calling death for all gay people.

do you know how scary it is to live in a barbaric place like this? where hatred could pardon almost everything in the name of religion, in the name against sin, in the name of normalcy. where it's justified to do so.

do you know how scary that is? to live in the same place as people wishing you dead.

i've lost hope in this country. and the people. the government. everything is messed up, fucked up, and downright cruel. of course, scrolling media and reading amplified stories all the time would drain anyone soul at one point or another but.

there's no place for me here.

or people like me.

some people are brave, and they could make a place for their own. some in hiding, some in the safety of people trusted, other not so lucky, aren't they?

this place. is home. but the people. are cruel.

how i wish people would just mind their own business, let people to their own. truly, i don't blame people for leaving. the country. the religion. th

#ramblingrams

tepid

yesterday night, f asked me out of nowhere. have i had taken photos at the work site specifics before. i said, no not really. he said we could go later next weekend. i told him i probably were to work from home though. then i tried joking, why, is it because our internship is ending you suddenly had the idea to take photos? thinking, oh, he hadn't took photos too, probably. naively, he left me on read. whatever. told him i'll see next week, i can just go anyway (despite being assigned work from home).

just then, maybe the next ten-fifteen minutes. i realized he work there like all day. that's his habitat. and he knows it's okay to take photos as long as it's with him (or other staff in that division) and i had the epiphany that maybe it's him offering if i want to have some photos for myself since i probably hadn't have one. and he probably had these taken. which... is nice for him. though i don't really take photos (i got stiff and conscious about how i look appearance-wise).

then it reminds me that he knows these people, he already acclimate himself with his surrounding. with the people, with the work, he could mingle and talk just fine.

i still need to learn to appreciate things for what they are. not what they could be. friend f, is a friend. which is big, for me. but for him i'm maybe just one of many, with varying degrees of closeness and stuff. you see. asymmetry.

with a month left of internship, it does make me... wonder. there's nothing written in contract yet. we don't know if we'll still be here in six month. i don't know if he'll land a better offer by the span of the next two months. it's a lot, you see?

thinking about the future... i had a lot of---, well, bad habits, i suppose. because the tendency of mine leans more into negative thoughts. things that are not---

oh. i had to do some work. alright, sorry. got distracted. [exit 7:43]

#ramblingrams

tune

i don't know if i had mentioned this before. but i do like singing. it's not something that i would say i'm good at. i do like listening to music, to songs, and i do like to hum it a lot. so... i suppose, recently. it's not really recent. more like, four years ago? i stumbled upon this karaoke app.

umm... where do i start.

i don't actually know. alright. the app, i suppose it started as like, a way for me to get distracted. like, it's not really a social app, but the way it's designed is that if you don't pay for it, like the subscription, you need to join people's duet. and, it's a whole thing.

and. i wouldn't say that my interest are niche. but, to be able to join people's singing the same kind of song that i listen to. it's a nice feeling. i don't really remember what brought me there, or how. but it became some sort of regular thing.

i do have a lot of free time. too much, even. granted, there was the pandemic. in addition to me not having much social life outside of that. and, after games, after food, after movies, i kept finding ways to just. i suppose not feel that lonely? or like, just distract me from life.

my general sentiment is it's a good thing, in moderation. because there's time where i would just like, make songbooks. or when i would try to sing for hours. back then, there's days when the house is empty. only me. so, it's an experience on it's own, to be able to sing out loud. though i do still get conscious because, well. i think the neighbors can hear me. and i do wonder if they're like. who is singing and how to make him stop. or something.

i, well. nowadays, i just try to join. but our house isn't like, soundproof. so i usually i either sing in the third floor (but i think i've gained some eyeful form the people from the other building. which is embarassing. super. and i can be a noise pollution. i thought nobody lives on the second floor in that building!!!) shit it was such a. i dunno. anyway, they've moved out at some point anyway, so it doesn't matter. okay, but now, well. Oh well. anyway. i still get conscious. it's all good though. and i do like that it's a form of social interaction too. like, maybe just the surface of it. but, eh.

ugh... probably my family knows too. like they know they can hear me somewhat. AND THEY CAUGHT ME TOO!!!! AT SOME POINT. mom x1. eldest sister x1. brother x1. dad x1. OH LORD. I'M CRAZY!!!!

anyway. i just want to write about it.

#ramblingrams

distilled

all in all. i am now entering the last week of my fifth month doing internship. next week, it'd be officially my last month.

here's the thing, though. all this ramble about "i don't want to do this!", "this isn't for me!", "i don't like the way it is here", i haven't really put enough effort to actually figure out my next step afterward. the safety blanket of "you can always try to apply here" after the internship end, in the same company is giving me enough unwarranted reassurance. it's not even guaranteed. i still have some MCU issues (which i can just brush off later, citing it as a benign and did not require further treatment) that could get me to fail, and that's for this role. i have yet to have a proper handle of the other opportunities, as well...

so, what is it? that i want to do?

now that i'm doing internship at this company, i don't really feel like delving into data---, i suppose not specifically data management, analyst or engineer. i think having this experience, in this environment, it could be a stepping stone, you know? rather than starting things from scratch. rather than doing it from zero. i could be using this as a foundation.

but to what?

it's like, i'm not confident enough. i don't utilize time and put effort enough. so i'm a bit of in a limbo. i've been taking everything for granted. you know? ah. i know everyone has their own path, to move forward and to progress. but man... i should be treating this more seriously.

but being stressed is bad, too. because if you're stressed, you'd use distraction as replacement. fun become an escape. and it's not good in the long-term altogether. oh, well.

#ramblingrams

panera

i don't even eat bread on the regular i dunno why the name panera comes out anyway it's supposed to be a vent post

right.

past three days i haven't actually done anything much. actually, the past week i haven't done anything at all. well, if you could call getting the result of your holter monitoring test nothing... either way, let's trace it day by day.

monday -> half day internship, go to the clinic for holter system set-up tuesday -> half day internship, go to the clinic for holter system result

after this i was entranced by the game tomodachi life. i wanted a switch. i do not have a switch. i looked up emulator. tried it out on phone but it lagged. looked it up on my laptop. actually found one on laptop.

wednesday -> spend all day actually playing tomodachi life. it was fun. actually made up some bullshit to report back on my internship (it was a slow day, not much task) thursday -> another slow internship day. continue playing tomodachi life. walked back from office in trenched because friday -> work from home. still no task. tried to catch up and study on my own relating to flight principles. fail because i ended up trying to download back honkai star rail since it's their anniversary and their promo collab with miku is hyping me up and i kinda want sw999 and stuff. ended up playing it a bit.

which should be fine, right? i have the weekend to catch up on jp lessons (my plans) and i dunno spend time with family (utter fail because of game)

saturday -> star rail. at this point i was a bit tired of tomodachi life. sunday -> skipped morning run w mom. and then just played star rail. wasted time with stories, napping.

it was basically an unproductive week. a really unproductive week and right. even now too, i basically.

there's a lot of things i haven't done, and being so...

-----

i need to be more aggressive.

but the thing that made me hesitate was, direction.

still, i need to be aggressive. it's end of april already.

#ramblingrams

#ramblingrams

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