ram's personal space

'cause one day everything will soon pass

[ram-de]

sedikit

Pinned this because I visit tumblr a lot when I'm sad :) So let this serve as a reminder, yea? Future me?

Kelas hari ini, aku nggak dengerin. Rasanya udah berapa minggu dosen jelasin, tapi nggak ada materi yang masuk. Ngandelin rekaman, aku kerjain hal-hal nggak penting lainnya.

Hey. Udah lama loh, situasi kamu ini. Udah lebih satu tahun, dan kamu makin jauh sama hal yang dulu kamu anggap penting. Aku takut, di satu hari nanti kamu bener-bener hilang arah padahal masih jauh nih perjalananmu. Bukan berarti harus lihat jalannya orang lain udah sejauh apa, cukup ngelangkah sedikit aja tiap hari.

Hey, coba deh kamu inget-inget lagi. Kamu nyampe di titik ini itu kenapa? Mungkin kadang kamu pikirnya, kamu ngikut aja, ngalir kayak air. Apa yang orang lakuin, kamu ikut. Aku baru nyadar hal ini, tapi secara nggak langsung kamu ngelimpahin kendali kamu ke <takdir>. Ketika kamu ikut eskul ini gara-gara kakakmu ikut juga, ketika kamu ambil jurusan ini gara-gara orang yang kamu kenal ambil juga, ketika kamu ambil ini gara-gara ini lah, itu lah. Capek, rasanya.

Hey, kamu bukan anak kecil lagi. Mungkin, orang lain di umurmu sekarang udah ada yang mulai kerja, nikah bahkan. Jadi dewasa, dan punya tanggungjawab. Ada saatnya dimana kamu perlu sadar, kalau kamu nggak bisa ngandelin hal luar buat nentuin segala keputusan besar di perjalananmu ini.

Satu hal yang bikin aku bingung, yang mungkin bakal kamu jawab dengan kata "malu" atau "canggung", tapi coba aku tanya. Kenapa sih, susah banget buat minta bantuan? Padahal banyak hal yang kamu pikir sulit, yang kamu bisa kerjakan lebih baik atau bahkan masalah yang bisa dapet pandangan dari luar. Ayah, Ibu, yang tiap hari kamu ketemu, tapi nggak pernah coba tanya pendapat mereka? Adik, yang nggak pernah kamu ajak ngobrol. Kakak-kakak, yang kepedulian mereka kamu nggak hiraukan? Teman SMA, yang kamu nggak pernah kasih kabar setelah lulus? Teman Kuliah, yang nggak pernah kamu coba tanya buat tugas? Kakak tingkat, adik tingkat, teman unit, yang nggak pernah kamu coba buat kenal lebih dekat sama mereka?

Aku pikir ngejalanin hidup nggak bisa sendirian, aku yakin kamu juga tahu ini, tapi kenapa? Hal-hal yang dulunya punya makna buat kamu, seiring waktu jadi pudar. Mungkin hal biasa, tapi kalau sampai di titik dimana kamu bahkan kesulitan buat nyari hal-hal yang punya arti buat kamu?

Hey, aku yang sekarang mungkin nggak terlalu ngerti tentang perjuangan apa sih yang kamu lakuin sekarang, tapi aku tahu sedikit dari apa yang bikin kamu murung, kadang sampai lupa bahwa kamu masih berjuang, dan kamu mulai lupa hal-hal lain yang harusnya penting. Nggak apa-apa, nggak apa-apa... Biar tulisan ini jadi pengingat kecil bahwa kamu masih berjuang.

Aku nulis ini bukan dengan tujuan kayak tulisan yang kemarin-kemarin, yang kamu tulis dan terus lupain 1-2 hari kemudian. Aku pengen minta satu hal, satu hal aja, yang aku harap nggak kamu lupain 1-2 hari kedepan, yang aku harap nggak terlalu berat buat kamu. Aku tahu kamu mungkin ragu buat minta bantuan orang lain, jadi biarkan aku, <kamu>, buat ngajuin satu permintaan, yang menurutku bakal bermakna banget, untukmu kedepannya, dan untukku 20 tahun sebelumnya. Untuk itu, sama kayak sebelumnya, permintaanku itu coba ngelangkah, sedikit, sedikit aja tiap hari, gak peduli seberat apa, gak peduli secape apa, coba ngelangkah. Tentuin langkah apa, lakuin. Cukup itu, dan mungkin suatu saat aku bisa lihat kamu di hari yang lebih baik dari <aku> sekarang, banyak nyesel, banyak sedihnya. Hari bakal jadi lebih baik, ok, mungkin nggak selalu, tapi apa salahnya coba kan?

[ram-de]

electric

i suppose i haven't really thought about a lot. of what's happening as of recent. internship ending soon. future path. growing distant with faith. cynicism to social media, government, society. internal complex thought related to sexuality, interest, future. friendship. adulthood and other stuff.

on the other hand, i also didn't have that intense pull to write nowadays. usually, i write when there's strong emotions involved, right? things like sadness, loneliness, depression. and regardless of how, well, mixed i do feel about f, he's a friend. despite the asymmetry, the jealousy and/or being feel like i was left behind, he's a friend. i notice i haven't had like dreams about high school friends recently. because that need of socialization is fulfilled, right? we watch movies. we keep up a regular daily streak. we chat here and there. of course, there's the *after* and *beyond* i do have to think about, because we won't get to take the same train and not to mention what if one of us didn't continue work here? that's one, i suppose.

then, the internship itself. a lot of internal feelings, emotion. gratitude, doubts, wanting to be more, wanting to do more. and on the other hand, is that lacking feeling. not having enough, not understanding enough. not experienced enough. not knowing which direction to take and which path to pursue. what to give during my last days? how do i function and fit and adapt with the people here?

then there's the japanese class. which i took but didn't take properly. i haven't catches up to every lesson. i fell behind but i do like talking and practicing with other people, despite feeling anxious and unsure at times. the excitement, the wonder, and all of that. despite not fully believing there's going to be a chance or opportunity later on. 専門はまだわかりません. like that.

oh well. see. i'll just figure it out. i'll type it later. i thought.

[ram-de]

figures

Some weird stuff just happened earlier.

Well, I say weird but it's mostly an unsure kind of situation where... Well, once again I was reminded that I am one of many and hinging myself to another person is... Volatile.

I say that because for the past few weeks and even months, I don't think I felt miserable and lonely.

Because there's at least someone who I regularly connected with.

I'm being vague. Alright, the situation being:

Me and this friend was walking back.

He spotted several fellow interns from our batches.

I didn't know he's going to approach them.

He approached them and greeted them, while I was half walking away.

Being faced with that situation, I...

Ended up going on my own, leaving him behind. Not greeting the other interns.

Now, I realize this is making me look aloof and distant.

But in my mind, he was much closer to them. He had lots of common traits and he could fit himself better.

While I would feel like a sore thumb and unable to make myself fit.

I didn't like the thought of being in an uncomfortable situation, so I left.

Ideally, of course, ideally, I would've gone with friend and greeted them. Then I'll make some chat here and there. And then maybe I'll ask him, "You're staying here or nah? I'm leaving earlier, then. See you, all." Something like that.

But it wasn't like that.

Feels like a coward.

Also feels like I was the one being left behind, even though physically I'm the one who walked away.

Me and this friend already decided on watching a movie after work.

Ugh. It soured me a bit.

Well, I suppose that's me being selfish. Or jealous. Or a damn anxious wreck when it came to people I don't really know.

Now I'm seeing the optics back, and it does look back.

"Why did he leave you?"

"Why are you hanging with him, anyway?"

Which is frankly, ridiculous. Though I did get the gist that he did want to socialize with others. And probably did more, anyway.

Which led me to my conclusion:

I shouldn't put everything into this guy.

I should also give ourselves some distance. It would do me good, I suppose.

Expect less, be hurt less, enjoy life. Something like that.

[ram-de]

parry

just saw the news about two college student about to be dropped out from college because someone recorded them without their consent, kissing, as guys. both of them humiliated, one of their father punched the son, knelt in public as he wishes for his son to be dropped out. being displayed publicly in front of audience chanting and calling them their names. posters being spread calling death for all gay people.

do you know how scary it is to live in a barbaric place like this? where hatred could pardon almost everything in the name of religion, in the name against sin, in the name of normalcy. where it's justified to do so.

do you know how scary that is? to live in the same place as people wishing you dead.

i've lost hope in this country. and the people. the government. everything is messed up, fucked up, and downright cruel. of course, scrolling media and reading amplified stories all the time would drain anyone soul at one point or another but.

there's no place for me here.

or people like me.

some people are brave, and they could make a place for their own. some in hiding, some in the safety of people trusted, other not so lucky, aren't they?

this place. is home. but the people. are cruel.

how i wish people would just mind their own business, let people to their own. truly, i don't blame people for leaving. the country. the religion. th

[ram-de]

tepid

yesterday night, f asked me out of nowhere. have i had taken photos at the work site specifics before. i said, no not really. he said we could go later next weekend. i told him i probably were to work from home though. then i tried joking, why, is it because our internship is ending you suddenly had the idea to take photos? thinking, oh, he hadn't took photos too, probably. naively, he left me on read. whatever. told him i'll see next week, i can just go anyway (despite being assigned work from home).

just then, maybe the next ten-fifteen minutes. i realized he work there like all day. that's his habitat. and he knows it's okay to take photos as long as it's with him (or other staff in that division) and i had the epiphany that maybe it's him offering if i want to have some photos for myself since i probably hadn't have one. and he probably had these taken. which... is nice for him. though i don't really take photos (i got stiff and conscious about how i look appearance-wise).

then it reminds me that he knows these people, he already acclimate himself with his surrounding. with the people, with the work, he could mingle and talk just fine.

i still need to learn to appreciate things for what they are. not what they could be. friend f, is a friend. which is big, for me. but for him i'm maybe just one of many, with varying degrees of closeness and stuff. you see. asymmetry.

with a month left of internship, it does make me... wonder. there's nothing written in contract yet. we don't know if we'll still be here in six month. i don't know if he'll land a better offer by the span of the next two months. it's a lot, you see?

thinking about the future... i had a lot of---, well, bad habits, i suppose. because the tendency of mine leans more into negative thoughts. things that are not---

oh. i had to do some work. alright, sorry. got distracted. [exit 7:43]

[ram-de]

tune

i don't know if i had mentioned this before. but i do like singing. it's not something that i would say i'm good at. i do like listening to music, to songs, and i do like to hum it a lot. so... i suppose, recently. it's not really recent. more like, four years ago? i stumbled upon this karaoke app.

umm... where do i start.

i don't actually know. alright. the app, i suppose it started as like, a way for me to get distracted. like, it's not really a social app, but the way it's designed is that if you don't pay for it, like the subscription, you need to join people's duet. and, it's a whole thing.

and. i wouldn't say that my interest are niche. but, to be able to join people's singing the same kind of song that i listen to. it's a nice feeling. i don't really remember what brought me there, or how. but it became some sort of regular thing.

i do have a lot of free time. too much, even. granted, there was the pandemic. in addition to me not having much social life outside of that. and, after games, after food, after movies, i kept finding ways to just. i suppose not feel that lonely? or like, just distract me from life.

my general sentiment is it's a good thing, in moderation. because there's time where i would just like, make songbooks. or when i would try to sing for hours. back then, there's days when the house is empty. only me. so, it's an experience on it's own, to be able to sing out loud. though i do still get conscious because, well. i think the neighbors can hear me. and i do wonder if they're like. who is singing and how to make him stop. or something.

i, well. nowadays, i just try to join. but our house isn't like, soundproof. so i usually i either sing in the third floor (but i think i've gained some eyeful form the people from the other building. which is embarassing. super. and i can be a noise pollution. i thought nobody lives on the second floor in that building!!!) shit it was such a. i dunno. anyway, they've moved out at some point anyway, so it doesn't matter. okay, but now, well. Oh well. anyway. i still get conscious. it's all good though. and i do like that it's a form of social interaction too. like, maybe just the surface of it. but, eh.

ugh... probably my family knows too. like they know they can hear me somewhat. AND THEY CAUGHT ME TOO!!!! AT SOME POINT. mom x1. eldest sister x1. brother x1. dad x1. OH LORD. I'M CRAZY!!!!

anyway. i just want to write about it.

[ram-de]

distilled

all in all. i am now entering the last week of my fifth month doing internship. next week, it'd be officially my last month.

here's the thing, though. all this ramble about "i don't want to do this!", "this isn't for me!", "i don't like the way it is here", i haven't really put enough effort to actually figure out my next step afterward. the safety blanket of "you can always try to apply here" after the internship end, in the same company is giving me enough unwarranted reassurance. it's not even guaranteed. i still have some MCU issues (which i can just brush off later, citing it as a benign and did not require further treatment) that could get me to fail, and that's for this role. i have yet to have a proper handle of the other opportunities, as well...

so, what is it? that i want to do?

now that i'm doing internship at this company, i don't really feel like delving into data---, i suppose not specifically data management, analyst or engineer. i think having this experience, in this environment, it could be a stepping stone, you know? rather than starting things from scratch. rather than doing it from zero. i could be using this as a foundation.

but to what?

it's like, i'm not confident enough. i don't utilize time and put effort enough. so i'm a bit of in a limbo. i've been taking everything for granted. you know? ah. i know everyone has their own path, to move forward and to progress. but man... i should be treating this more seriously.

but being stressed is bad, too. because if you're stressed, you'd use distraction as replacement. fun become an escape. and it's not good in the long-term altogether. oh, well.

[ram-de]

panera

i don't even eat bread on the regular i dunno why the name panera comes out anyway it's supposed to be a vent post

right.

past three days i haven't actually done anything much. actually, the past week i haven't done anything at all. well, if you could call getting the result of your holter monitoring test nothing... either way, let's trace it day by day.

monday -> half day internship, go to the clinic for holter system set-up tuesday -> half day internship, go to the clinic for holter system result

after this i was entranced by the game tomodachi life. i wanted a switch. i do not have a switch. i looked up emulator. tried it out on phone but it lagged. looked it up on my laptop. actually found one on laptop.

wednesday -> spend all day actually playing tomodachi life. it was fun. actually made up some bullshit to report back on my internship (it was a slow day, not much task) thursday -> another slow internship day. continue playing tomodachi life. walked back from office in trenched because friday -> work from home. still no task. tried to catch up and study on my own relating to flight principles. fail because i ended up trying to download back honkai star rail since it's their anniversary and their promo collab with miku is hyping me up and i kinda want sw999 and stuff. ended up playing it a bit.

which should be fine, right? i have the weekend to catch up on jp lessons (my plans) and i dunno spend time with family (utter fail because of game)

saturday -> star rail. at this point i was a bit tired of tomodachi life. sunday -> skipped morning run w mom. and then just played star rail. wasted time with stories, napping.

it was basically an unproductive week. a really unproductive week and right. even now too, i basically.

there's a lot of things i haven't done, and being so...

-----

i need to be more aggressive.

but the thing that made me hesitate was, direction.

still, i need to be aggressive. it's end of april already.

[ram-de]

sanguine

for all i write about heart, it seems like there's something more to it. hmm... the beating heart. i actually tend to romanticize a lot about the heart. it's a vital part of the body that, no matter whether i was awake or not, would still beats and kept up with the pace. it's the core of everything that makes life, essentially life. that's why there's phrases like "He is the heart of this company" or something like "she is the heart of this family" something that keeps everything afloat. granted i know in practice, there's also the brain and all other parts that is as vital.

but heart.

two days ago, i had a holter system put on my chest. there was five of the probes, since i think the one i was being assessed was through the three-channels one for one day. it was plastered with some adhesive, and then more of these duct tapes. there's a device that was connected to these probes, and then i had to stay dry and being monitored for a full day.

i didn't have much to think. i suppose that could be that it hadn't hit me of the implications. i just was more excited about having to take half of the day off, actually. even back then, when i got my ECG test result and was notified, i was more disgruntled that it eliminated me from the recruitment process more than what it implies.

after all, arrhythmia (the worse one) is a bit of a seemingly bleak condition. what do you mean, the heart could just stop suddenly, out of nowhere? and that it could be asymptomatic for as long as you lived, and then suddenly it just, there. and that there wasn't any treatment or cure for it, just that you can manage it. and the implanted device... that seems like a lot, isn't it? it's a bit expensive as well... i suppose it's manageable, but... when i think about it, i ended up thinking, "oh well... i suppose it is what it is."

well, i had to put it on for a day. it was a bit itchy, and i sweated a lot during the night. i was awoken twice because of it. what if i accidentally pressed it? what if i actually turned the thing off? and things like that.

then, yesterday, i went to the same clinic. i thought the doctor was a bit disgruntled, but later on i realized i suppose there's a lot that doctors do during the day. there's a lot of things they had to break in regard of like bad news, and that more likely he is desensitized to many patients each day. i actually tried to ask a lot during the consultation session. what does it cause? -> couldn't pinpoint anything, but coffee, tea, flu meds, stress and sleep could make it worse. time, too. genetics.

ah, right. my heartbeats, well sometimes they are fast, other times they are slower than it should be. but, the doctor said it's not the threatening types (like the double jumps), and it also doesn't occur frequently it warrants a treatment (less than 1% of occurrence through the day). doesn't mean that it doesn't exist, but still.

so... there i am. so, my heart, seems like it's a bit clumsy as well! just like me. the heart worked so hard each day, so i should be grateful. i should try to be more healthy as well. even though i didn't drink coffee or smoke... oh well, i suppose maybe the tea from milk tea bubbles could affect it a bit? and sleep. my sleep weren't--- well, they're enough sometimes. i was also less stressed nowadays, no?

ah, well. that's it, my entry for the heart. i'll just sit with it for a while.

<3

[ram-de]

complacent

it feels like lately i haven't been too passionate about, well, most of things.

being given an 'out', a non-binding "you can work here after internship" probably gave me lots of leniency in effort. because i haven't like given all the time and effort to things i should be doing. like applying to jobs. i said many times that i don't find this position desirable, not the position nor the company. but--- what other place do i have? i didn't fit any perfect fit. i sort of leaned into "i kind of want to utilize my studies of aviation" into some adjacent career prospect hence i'm not applying to things like fintech and im not interested in oil and gas. i kind of want to work in japan too but i have been lenient in my japanese class (to be fair i was always tired due to commuting).

but even then, at work. i didn't really use my time well. i played games. i just [do shameless thing involving not doing my time productively]. and then only to go home tired due to commuting.

this complacency.

future.

want.

need.

i wonder what form it would take. what shape it would look like, in a year. in five. in ten.

dream.

-----

focus on japanese language

learning ground school theories: performance

sort out holter monitoring plan

catch up to: [your turn to die], [akame ga kill], [reread assassination classroom] what else.

okay i have my priorities in a tangle. what else... apply to more jobs. do i apply to susi air management trainee? should i ask? aah. im just--- i dunno. i dont want to work in a place where i got stuck. stagnate personally. not growing. not being able to--- i dunno. if there's better opportunity, i want to leave and work elsewhere.

but where? where. indeed. ah. want to go to austria as well. i have lots of wants but virtually so little of actual things done.

[ram-de]

in passing

this is probably another encounter in which, I, in passing, thought of something like, "ah, it would be good if [X] happens..." and then for it to actually happen but in an arrangement and the situation that was vastly differs than what I expected. ahh, so, what happens is, i walked off the office with the intention of "okay, i think i'll take the 17.21 train, that way i can just do [X]" with [X] being a shameless thing I probably would waste my time with. so, that's one, right. but as I walk, oh, maybe I can catch up the 16.55 train. so i walked, right. i was walking, no worries. all good, all good. but then, friend f catched up to me, f and also his work mate. at that point i was halfway on purchasing a ticket, i just need to do my payment. but, i guess i ended up walking alongside them, tagging along. then i forgot about the ticket...

so we walked there (it was a long kinda walk, yo). we arrived. but then when i was about to scan my ticket. huh. why tf. THERE ISN'T ANY TICKET!!! and what's worse? there's like a 30 seconds window between the last time i could pay with the expiring date. by that time i scrambled for QRIS to pay these ticket. but alas.... i wasn't fast enough. i misclicked to another qris image!!! and aaaaaaaaaa friend f lowkey checked up on me to see whats up and i said no i can't ahsadkasjdaksd i told him how come and i said i was about to pay when you called out to me earlier. ok now that i think about it maybe i lowkey am blaming him🧍 but i said no im forgetful oh well... still it stung a bit bcs now im being left out, literally. oh well. i guess thats a circle to my earlier wish haha... God, really listens, hmm?

[ram-de]

resin

i wonder if my writing tendencies are subtly affected by AI-speak. after all, how we write is influenced on the various, many things we consume, it's just how it is. i can spot on the structure of how AI write paragraphs. it just have that glaring signal that is almost a bit too stiff, somehow? hmm... and it it's affecting me, it would be a bit unfortunate.

not going to lie, recently, i have been venting to claude instead of writing vent posts or journal. it's just convenience because i could get immediate feedback, and i suppose there's a level of validation and criticism that i could gain from the perspective. it's not a good habit, i know, because it could lead into dependencies in the long term. ideally, i should have been telling mundane stuff to a friend, someone else i trust, i don't have that yet, or at least not to the point i can ramble about my troubles.

outsourcing cognitive activities isn't really a good thing either, because just like everything else, it could numb the way i process things... convenience isn't always a good thing. i said, even though i'm still using it on the low.

right, the past few days have been so... repetitive. and without any instruction, i'm not really pushed to do anything. oh well, i think i'm going to go downstairs to just to report, and then go back up to continue the training manual. right, right. actually i think i'll do it now.

hmm... seems like writing is a good exercise to like, put ideas in form. and substantialize whatever the fuck i have been procrastinating. well, to be fair, it's not exactly procrastination. okay, maybe it is. it's just... i'll have to face the people and then. okay, okay. no worrying. here's the general run-downs of what to do.

go downstairs

check up on fellow staf: "you done with X? if not, can i help on Y?"

also add: "ah, so senior staff updated this section. here. i'll give you that.

check up on senior staff: "ok, since fellow did X, i actually went and did Z. we discussed it prior. sorry hadn't been updating, was doing internal procedure" and the so.

hmm... good enough. alright. go.

[ram-de]

pansy

like, apaansi!

two weeks brought me slump.

okay i just ate a stale and spoiled nasi bakar because im so damn hungry and this company can't even distribute their halal bihalal meals properly!!! SCREW YALL CHEAPASS!!!! (sorry im just hungry and cranky because i ate stale food)

okay. what else. UGH. maybe i should move out but idk how ill fare without a friend. UGH!! this must've been these kind of dependency because i kinda like the bond and the feeling of connection and stuff even if he had offputting humor and peculiar taste. (to be fair i also had some share of mine, different is i dont talk about it)

ok what else. lebaran is a BUST!!! mostly because i had a breakdown for no fucking reason and i didnt want to go downstairs to meet the guest at my big age of 25. actually ill be turning 25 tomorrow so maybe i get a pass for this!!! im still 24!!

ok.

[ram-de]

victors

and... on this day, is the third day after ied. ramadhan had long passed, and it passed by in a blink.

as for now... i'm upstairs, in my own room. feeling guilty and hungry. it's not that anything particular had happened. i couldn't even pinpoint why or how did i get myself to this point. but... tracing back.

two days ago. it was ied day. i wouldn't say it's a stressful day per se, but there was a lot that had going on.

actually, the day before, i was cleaning my room, rearranging the bed and room layout, and the so. it was a pretty busy day, but mostly i spent it leisurely other than working on my own room, mostly. so, there's that.

back to the ied day. the morning, there was relatively low-pressure? we went to pray, we did, and then back, eating. and then for maybe 1-2 hours there wasn't any guest, even. so that's that. except some relatives (uncles' family) to stay overnight. good thing i already had cleaned and tidied up my room, yeah?

then... the first day, i'm not sure. i think it's just okay...! there's relatives. but i still went downstairs to greet and nodded. then they're staying, but im still eating.

the second day, there was guests...! a lot of them. i think there's like maybe three batches in total. thus i helped with:

assist cooking meal involving meat

fried like maybe three batches of pempek and two batches of ulen

then i just sat. photo session. was tired and out of it. but then we still have to visit sister's relatives. and so we did drive there. and... take more photos. maybe finished at around 9pm. ish.

ok. day is over.

then the next day, aka yesterday. mom is planning to have us visit to a relatives place. by this point i was already iffy. i dunno, its me being difficult. but i didnt want to. and... ye... ya... just, i dunno. one thing led to another and now i feel guilty and didnt feel like meeting the guests. then now by today it extends to the family. i know im being difficult i get it.

its just.

feels like now that im an adult mom let me get away with it. or maybe because im not telling her why. i dunno, mom. even now im not sure why im being stubborn and making myself hungry. why i dont feel like going, why it feels like it is. i dunno.. i just feel horrible about it. i should just go downstairs but now it's becoming a big deal for me to. ah....

[ram-de]

patisserie

i kind of want to eat french desserts...

ok. that aside. just woken up from a freaking 10 minutes nap. I STILL WANT TO NAP!!!! and yet i was already refreshed anyway. how the hell does that works. i allocated like an hour to nap!!

during that, there was a dream. it was a short one. i barely remember it by now, even though it happened like 30 minutes ago. so, the setting was a classroom of some sort. or schools. but there was two classes. mine is probably based on the division i'm doing internship in. so, things happen. and then suddenly i was entranced to the class next door. they wore like jumpsuits. blue. so, probably meaning they're like, i dunno. mechanics and engineers. so when they left their classroom, i followed some of them. and then, suddenly, we were in a bed hanging out??? and then one of the guy, which now i just realized, is japanese like the other two. and then he started asking me stuff. "Do you know [x] this song?" mentioning a vocaloid song I know and recognize. And I said, はい、知ってる。好きです。???? uh. yeah i was learning Japanese nowadays. anyway, they nodded and boisterous on their own. and then they took a very long time to ask me another question... and somehow they landed on Bungou Stray Dogs?!?!?!?! i've never watched that! I said, something akin to, "I know, but I didn't watch it." and then the dream's over. wtf

i just realized that nowadays I haven't gotten like vivid-like dreams about school and loneliness. damn. connection is doing me good if i'm not craving it that bad that it haunts me on my sleep. well thats a hyperbole if any. those dreams were lowkey achingly not reccommended. left you feel like you're being taken back to a time where you were doing well and all.

ok. that aside. still tad a bit worried. the iftar meal for the division. foolishly said im going just because. feeling brave, heh? and then now it's actually a work-from-anywhere and i foolishly didnt go and now it feels like a bother to actually go. bruh. maybe i should just go tomorrow. uhh.

also i have class later at 19. ceremony later at the 18th date. and then have a test 20 minutes ish i will eventually have to do. i'll do it after suhoor tommorrow i think.

oh man.

[ram-de]

imprudent

haaa....

there's this thought that i'm bothering my friend because we sort of fall into a routine of going to jumah prayer together. then early on he said he was being left out coz he's waiting for me.

i feel bad for it.

internally felt like he should just go ahead and maybe i can just go on my own. like maybe it's already the time for that anyway. it's long overdue. like maybe it's finally time.

thats what i thought. because, what did he see?

i'm not going to overstep and feel like he's choosing me, or that im special. i know he had lots of other friends, some that he gets along more, and others he get to see more. but i wonder sometimes if he felt that its boring and dry with me.

i think. it happened few times. this up and downs. this ride of being high of confidence, and lows with insecurity. truth it, maybe it doesnt even bother him or anything.

we're both adults. if he didnt want me to, he could say it directly. oh well.

right.

right.

[ram-de]

staying power

so, last entry "decrepit". yeah. well, things really is up and downs but mostly it's all in my head. partly from expectations, partly from longing, other from loneliness. not a good judge, all in all, but it is what i felt so i'm not saying anything!

hitched a ride with friend f. that was probably first in a long while, you know? i was really worried about stuff. do i ask him if i need to bring my own helmet? i was pondering about it, even though in retrospect it seemed like a mundane question. i didn't want to be an imposition, or a burden. but he did offer if we want to go together for this gathering.

is it pride in me that found it hesitating to ask? perhaps anxiety would better fit for the root. either way, i did ask and he did say "sure" so it's all cool.

i was a bit worried, all things considered, i'd probably won't even go if he's not going. this gathering is a social event at it's core. i'm not confident enough to go alone. heck, i was planning on going by train, yo. and then public transport (uber). there's some sort of humiliating kinda feel when someone ask, "how did you go here?" and i say, "online bike." of course its not a bad thing, really. but idk, it made me feel like i shouldve brought a bike. which is maybe why friend f went with his bike instead of transport. o well.

without saying too much, despite feeling like i was being an imposition to this friend, i feel like i was being seen and picked over, in a way. how do i say it. you shouldn't, really do that, i think, personally. i don't think i'm worth trading the time for potential hang out / networking over going back early with me coz i'm catching a train. and he brought up the scratched movie plan, and what the hell do i even respond to that. even though i'm not like, a fun person or anything, you'd still want to have me watch a movie i mentioned in passing?

i feel like bawling a bit yesterday. well, it's not as dramatic. it's mostly the guilt and idk, just weird. in all sort of things i dont even think im worth of deserving?

i think he taught me a lot. or i picked up lots of stuff by being allowed to be, around him. i learned to adjust how i refer to myself-others, "i"-"you" person (pronouns, local language ones. there's a level to casualness and politeness to it) and finally have the courage to try out the more direct casual one instead of the politer-one. throughout my 25 years of living, lol. i, internally? i supposed myself to have the politer one. that the casual one were more brash and improper. even though that's how people feel more open, how kids do, and stuff. un/knowingly, i did put distance, between me and the other person, as if i'm unable to meet their level of things. for me personally, not a small thing at all...

then. i feel like he's chill with me not filling the silence with chats... or with mundane chats, he'll just engage. either he'll be cool with me. frankly i thought it was awkward at first. but lately its just fine. it doesnt have to.

then... well, this one is an on-progress. but, well, separating the fact that someone can have other friends, perhaps many other closer ones, and someone being your friend as well. the asymmetry thing. like, both can be true. i still feel a bit strung but thats because i'm jealous, i think. not specifically because he had someone *other* than me. but because i don't have *many* outside of him. and it made the dependence sort of heavily one-sided, like it's not supposed to be. well, that's why it's an on-progress. being around him reminds me a lot, and somehow that's soothing.

there's also the thing with him just not texting back or just read my messages but still sending me reels for no reason. but he'll be totally chill in person. it's nauseating to navigate (and hence why i really overthink early on. and worse when i used to have a crush on this guy like fuck you dude seriously). like now i just dont hinge myself on too being unread and making up scenarios like other people too maybe just text whenever they like for whatever reason. its like whatever for me now.

uh. yeah. thats how it been. almost 3 months going, yo.