Hey, I absolutely loved your Luz/Toye modern day headcanons♥ I was wondering if you could write something similar about Bull/Johnny?
there are so many people to blame here. amazingly, bull and johnny weren’t even involved.
they have awful friends, is the thing. awful friends who swear they’re just worried about them, and have noticed how bull and johnny dance around each other like high school sweethearts in a photo booth. they’re only casual acquaintances, seeing each other maybe once a month at bars or outside of work... but everytime they brush against each other, sparks fly. neither of them are doing anything about it, is the thing.
johnny’s a busy man, with a lot of things on his plate; he doesn’t have time for dating, so he loudly declares. whenever his own buddies bring the topic up, bull just smiles in that enigmatic way of his, and says nothing at all.
they’d make a weird-as-hell match, but it would work. everyone agrees on this; bill and babe are on board before they even recruit their other friends, and by the time luz is on board, the plan has already taken shape.
it just... needs a bit of inspiration. a match to light the kindling. luz is that match.
“did you know,” he says, “there’s such a thing as cowboy dating apps?”
that’s how Operation: True Love In A Ten Gallon Hat begins
malarkey distracts johnny for as long as it takes for muck and penkala to steal his phone, and stealthily download the Squaredancing Singles app. they throw together a very hasty profile, then slip the phone back in front of johnny before he even realizes it’s gone. (malark’s still talking about the time his aunt cheryl lost her wedding ring in an amusement park bathroom. that kind of story takes a while.)
meanwhile, bull... well, bull was made for this sort of app. luz tosses together a profile on his own phone, slaps on a picture of bull riding a tractor in a tank top, and they’re set.
luz plays bull, and goes out of his way to message johnny first. “hey there, handsome” “ y’know, they tell me i put the ‘ass’ in ‘arkansass’”
johnny, who has no idea where this app on his phone came from or why the hell someone’s sending him messages, is two seconds from just deleting it... before he sees bull’s profile picture.
oh, he thinks, raising the phone up to his face, lowering it, then raising it again. oh. okay. yeah, i can... allow this.
and like... luz gets into character, okay.
he talks in a southern accent for an entire week. he smokes a fake cigar. he does it in front of bull, who wonders if he ought to be offended, then wonders if he should maybe be concerned, and ultimately decides against both.
the entire time, johnny has no clue what’s going on. all he knows is he’s finally talking to that Big Guy bill guarnere is pals with, and.... wow, he’s actually great. he doesn’t say much, but he’s polite and charming and apparently has noticed johnny as much as johnny’s noticed him... and what seemed like a longshot before is no within reach, and it’s tantalizing. could a date... be such a bad idea?
johnny suggests it; bull agrees. they’ll meet at smokey’s bar at 8pm friday night.
“what do you mEAN, you ‘have an engagement?’”
luz is about to have a heart attack. bull looks on, unfazed.
“friday night is bingo night, and my meemaw sweeps the pool every week. it gets a bit wild, so i’m her ride to and from.”
the small group of bull’s conspiring friends exchange panicked glances. they can’t outright tell bull that he has a date, or else he’ll get shy and won’t do it; but they also can’t leave bull’s grandmother hanging, because holy shit that’s a monstrous thing to do to an old lady.
skip muck shows up in his best suit jacket, and ends up being meemaw randleman (who’s almost taller than him)’s hot date to Swingin’ Seniors Bingo Night down at the community center. it’s a madhouse. there’s dancing after the game, he ends up getting swept away by a number of ravenous grannies, and by the end of the night he’s booked for the next three fridays. what’s he gonna do, say no? (besides, they all have amazing purse candy. that’s all the payment he needs.)
meanwhile, a bemused bull agrees to meet up with luz on friday night, under the guise of him having something “very very important to tell him, and if it weren’t important i wouldn’t be begging you. see? i’m on my knees here, bull, have mercy.”
except it’s not just luz, but the entire gang shows up. there’s malarkey, there’s penkala, there’s bill... bull knows something’s up, but there’s no time to explain the whole situation. johnny’s arriving in three minutes (babe’s standing guard in the parking lot, just in case he gets there early) and the team only has so much time to pour out the story. george gives bull his own phone to keep for the night. bull scans the text messages, and his face slowly goes red.
they’re a little worried he’s going to explode. slowly, everybody backs away.
instead of blowing up, however, bull just raises his head and looks at them calmly. “i’ll talk with you boys later,” he says in his low, measured voice. “get gone now. once johnny shows up, we gotta have a long conversation of our own.”
they don’t need to be told twice. the crew scatters.
meanwhile, johnny escapes babe, who accosted him in the parking lot rambling about a traumatizing sixth birthday party and how it still effects him to this day. (he still can’t look at balloon animals without flinching, apparently.) he makes it to his date two minutes late --- but when he spots bull at a table, beer in hand, he can’t wipe the grin off his face.
“hi,” he says, marching up to the table. “hope i didn’t keep you waiting long.”
bull just shakes his head and gestures for him to sit down, is he nervous? it’s impossible to tell. he never looks nervous, but he’s not smiling, does that mean anything --- not that johnny’s nervous. oh, hell no, johnny martin does not do nervous.
“johnny, i got a confession to make,” bull says, and johnny’s stomach just. drops to his toes. “and an apology to give, before anything else.”
so, the story comes out. johnny can barely believe it... except he can, because it’s luz and muck and bill (bill, of all people! the betrayal!) and he knows his jackass friends. but this... this is crossing a goddamn line. it’s one thing to be idiots in your daily life, but playing with a guy’s emotions? making a fool out of him? oh, there’s gonna be hell to pay, he’s gonna draw blood...
bull stays calm through it all. somehow, that makes it worse. “you gotta believe, i didn’t know what they were planning, and i’d ‘a never been okay with it.”
which seems like all johnny needs to hear. he’s already boiling with pure rage --- now humiliation adds itself to the mix. his fists clench on the bartop. two seconds, and he’s gonna explode...
but then bull catches his eyes, and the hint of a smirk passes over his lips. “if it were me, i’d ‘a invited you somewhere nicer.”
suddenly, the room seems lit up differently. the atmosphere is warmer --- who turned up the damn heat? --- and the untouched beer in front of him looks way more appetizing. johnny huffs, the scowl not leaving his face, but he doesn’t get up and storm away... which is more than bull dared to hope for.
“i’m gonna teach them to mess with people like this,” he declares grandly, taking a sip of his drink. “tearing ‘em to pieces sounds real tempting.”
“pretty sure the law frowns on that,” bull remarks... and then, to both of their surprises, johnny laughs out loud.
“you’re just gonna have to help me, then. i make the corpses, you carry ‘em away.”
bull grins, and it’s the most beautiful thing johnny’s seen in his life. maybe this isn’t the date he hoped for, but damn him if he doesn’t feel comfortable here, or like he’s known this man his entire life.
“sounds good to me, johnny.”
bull raises his beer... and, in the warmth of mutual agreement, johnny toasts to their new beginning.
