#randomfrustrations

[ramblings-of-a-malcontent]

I wanna slip into an alternate universe and be the cum slut I was meant to be....the sahm life was not meant for this level of horniness and desire to do degrading things 😅🤣

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Mixed Emotions

I'm having this complicated feeling again and I think the best thing to do right now is to write it all out on this personal space of mine and let my emotions flow. Hopefully by the end of this post I would have come up with some solutions...or something that will lead me to one.

So, I have been thinking about this question these few days 'Do I really like him? Or else love him?' At first thought the answer is a definite 'NO!' but after a while to think of the times that he hurt me again and again yet I chose to be by his side makes me doubt myself. I know he has no feelings for me and we will never ever have a relationship besides friendship.

My dad has restricted me to go out with him alone. My dad doesn't want people to get the wrong idea of me and him being together. I can understand that. But I can't stop myself sometimes. That's the only time I get to hang out with him. If there's other people around, I will be transparent. Moreover, I don't want to get heart-brokened seeing him with other girls. Is this jealousy that I'm feeling? Should I be jealous? Do I even have the right to? The answers are I don't know. No. And no. But why do I feel this way? That makes me wonder. Yes, I admit I still have feelings for him but I know that in my mind that we'll never be together.

He said that he wants to follow me to my hometown for the holidays. I agreed to it because it's always awesome to have friends travelling with you. I'm scared that I will fall for him more if he really does join me but now I don't think my parents will ever allow because we won't be able to get rid of the misunderstandings among my family members then. I'm the kind of person who thinks a lot ahead. All about good time and fun stuff. Of course I'll be disappointed if he can't join me but mainly because I won't get to see him for quite a long time? How can I even tell him that my parents doesn't allow just the two of us to go out. He'll be intimidated and might not even treat me as a friend anymore! 

When we went out together,it's a weird feeling. Let me tell you what happens between us when we go out together: First, he picks me up at my house then we sit in the car mainly listening to music or have small random talks about thing s that happened to us since we last chatted. just small talks that does not even last 5 minutes per topic. Then we are very likely to grab some food. At the table, we first look at our own phones then at the menu then at our phones again. We would talk too but still not as much as we do online. I don't think , by any matter, how people can misunderstand us being together. No couple would have that type of interactions. People say we look more like siblings instead. And actually I do not quite mind. Sorry, drifting out of topic here. So that is what usually happens when we go out together. Just like the last time that we went out, he was texting girls every once in a while. I didn't feel mad, instead it makes me wonder why did he asked me out? his answer was rather blunt - 'cos I'm easy to be asked out. So does that means that I'm a cheap person that would go out with guys so randomly. YOU'RE WRONG! I'm not that type of person.

Usually I won't feel comfortable being so close with someone but somehow around him I feel quite at ease. I like the time that we study together. He would get mad at me if I played with my phone too much and would make me study. It's a pretty sweet thing if you're in a relationship but the thing is: we're not. Which complicates the whole situation. 

So he told me that he went out with her the other day. They were supposed to make things clear but instead they went out for fun instead. It's real disappointing given that I treat both of them as friends and neither of them told me what happened that day until yesterday. I didn't even knew they went out. My guess is that she likes him too. But she doesn't realise that. Sometimes you don't realise something until you dig deep inside your heart. I always thought , well at least for the past two years, that I would only be in a committed relationship with a girl, but he changed everything. He made me like a guy again, and maybe a little more. When the feelings come from deep inside of your heart you would go 'Ahh..so that's what I'm feeling all along'.

To be honest, if the two would ever end up together, I would wish them the best. After that I'll delete them out of my lives forever. Everything that happens within this two years that happened in that dreadful school and things that happens between us and our mutual friends I would erase them all. I would do whatever it takes to erase this misery-filled past. 

It's the end of the exam and the only thing I can think about today is how he once said that we'll wait until the end of the exams to see if we still have feelings for each other. I remembered he say that " I would totally propose you' 'After exam we see if you still have feelings for me the we be in relationship'. Precise words. With bad grammar. It makes me sad that it's him who has no feelings for me anymore but not me,as he thought it will be. If all those incident didn't happen will today be our first day together? Would we have gone out to celebrate? But none of this will happen now. None of this will ever happen.

I don't think blaming anyone would have a good turn on things. The only person i can blame is myself. Why did I choose to walk this path at first? Why didn't I just choose to be the person who I was - the quiet mysterious bookworm who was a loner. I would rather much prefer to remain like that if I knew that this is what I would have to go through.

Now that I don't have anything else to focus on, I'm left with a lot of free time to mess myself up ;and by that I mean to think too much and make myself sad, hurt and miserable. I don't know what I should do. I don't know if there's anyone I can talk to about this matter. I don't think anyone would care for me that much. Maybe except her. Maybe I should just focus on her and no one else. She will be my escape. She will be my solution. All I can do now is hope that she will appear in my life soon.

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Sometimes I ask myself "What do I like about him?" Honestly, I can't come up with a sure answer. Maybe I'll take this chance to clear off some of my own doubts. To list what I like and dislike about him and hopefully to come up with a way to make myself let go of him completely.

I like how he can make me feel. He makes me feel belonged. Makes me feel that I exist. But sometimes he does the exact same thing. Well, at least that's the past now...

I like the endless convos that we have. We talk about EVERYTHING. No guy had ever chatted (or even had the intention to) with me for 5 hours. I suppose that's his talent...he can find topics to talk about without killing the previous one.

I like how he looks after exercising. Imagine a guy sweating while playing sports. I think that appeals to most girls as well. There was once where he just finished playing basketball. God. That was hot! 

I like his scent. Dettol with almond.I'll find that. He always smells so nice after shower and everytime we hug I'll take the chance to take a deep breath. Taking in the smell of his hair.

I like the way he makes out with me. That's the way he made me addicted FYI. Even though sometimes he end up scraping my lips because of the braces he's wearing but still it's enjoyable.

I like it when we go out together and people don't think us as a couple but rather as brother and sister. I don't mind that at all. I would very much prefer that.

I like his 'un-shyness'. He's always bold to talk loud and speak out. But sometimes,it gets too over.

I like how he is close to his mom. This is a personality of his that I really admire. It's not everyday that we see a young man who still tells his mom every thing and go have breakfast together.

I like his hair. And the fact that his hair can pull a 'Chris Colfer hair'. He usually styles it and asks me how it looks-like a 5 y.o.

i suppose there's things that I dislike about him too. That includes:

He like to talk about his past.(This is the main reason which can be divided into subgroups but I'm not going to go into that) Ain't nobody got time for that!

He's too vain

He gets mad and emotional really quickly and for small things

He gets horny easily

He spends too much time on games

He dislikes my music choice (and humiliates them)

He thinks and acts childishly

He has absolutely no talent in language

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Sometimes I do not understand why people keep on complaining about why nobody likes them when the person who adores and really care about them is just standing right beside them!!