Feb 9, 2024
oh holy fuck i am slowly feeling like a person again. they really give people these meds, even force people to take them. what the fuck.
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oh holy fuck i am slowly feeling like a person again. they really give people these meds, even force people to take them. what the fuck.
Its a little strange being an underground noise musician... i honestly a little bit barely feel like a musician bc i havent performed anywhere yet, and i also have no idea of my reach bc i just dont see any of it, i dont know how many people have heard my stuff, just that i sometimes get radio play on random small stations, sometimes its people downloading my music to play for friends, its all so strange to me. Im completely isolated and blind to whatever effect my music has on people, i just know people hear it. And im glad that i have fans. I know i have fans, its just. So wild to me. As a very socially isolated person, i barely have any contact with anyone other than those i live with. And i dont really know where im going with this. Maybe im a mystery to people, maybe i have an air of unapproachability to people, maybe im intimidating. Idk. Im just some weirdo autistic girl.
I really like my neighbors. Theyre very kind to me. I dont think theres any subtext even, i think theyre just kind and want to be friends.
Jack said something yesterday about my not engaging with like, advertising myself and my music as a brand. The fact that i dont have any social media under my project name, that i dont use tiktok or instagram reels etc, i barely promote my music other than posting a link when i make something. Its something i hadnt thought about recently. I dont really know how to describe, its an antipathy towards capitalism, a fear of having a public profile, the scrutiny that comes with having a wide audience, the idea that i might be surveilled. I am somewhat of a paranoid and anxious person. Either way i dont mind it much. Im perfectly fine being very niche.
I should really like. Allow myself to love. I dont because im afraid of hurting people and im afraid of being hurt. But i should let myself.
I went to the park yesterday. The cool breeze flowing through my hair as I sat on the swings next to my girlfriend. Watching my best friend spin round and round as fast as he could on a spin chair. I tried to see how high I could go, but became nauseated very quickly. I tried a few times but could not get as high as I could when I was a kid. I stumbled off and went up the slide, rode it down. Fast. Exhilarating. Disorienting. I let out a cry for the split second it took to slide down. Laughed. I attempted to straddle the brontosaurus on the playground, but I gave up very quickly because of its sharp ridged back. My best friend tried too but gave up for the same reason. A couple of kids arrived with their mother, so we decided to move to the benches and read. Goo and Niamh remarked how chilly it was; I was the only one who wore a cardigan for the trip. After reading a bit my throat got scratchy. I went off to smoke and after a few puffs my girlfriend and my friend started to make their way over to me -- it had become too cold for them. I put the cigarette out and we walked back to the apartment, meandering, laughing, conversing.
Goo gave me this to read
The idea that I seem to 'pass' now is scary to me. I have many mixed feelings about it that I have difficulty articulating. I'm going to be (have been) getting men who want to fuck me because they think I'm a cis woman. What happens when they find out I'm not? What happens if my voice betrays me? If they see my stubble, if I was lazy with shaving? I dont know. It makes me a little afraid to present. It makes me hesitant to potentially invite scrutiny, unwanted attention. But if not for these thoughts I would always present. I would always be wearing skirts and cute blouses and knits. It's scary. It feels like a point of no return, as if taking hormones wasn't. I don't know how to feel. But I'm pretty, I feel pretty. But at the same time I don't feel pretty. I'm afraid to be pretty. But I should be grateful, shouldn't I? Even if I don't feel like I 'pass.'