God knows you'd do anything to be in his arms again, to feel the sweet heat that once permeated from him to warm your loneliest nights, to hear the gravely voice that never failed to lull you to sleep, to feel the heartbeat that proved love did exist. How did it all go to shit, why are you lying on your bed, 01:39 on your clock, staring at the ceiling and sinking in the silence that shrouds your being.
In your mind a battle of right and wrong tears you up inside. The way he so unceremoniously broke up with you with the reasoning of, "I'm not ready yet" left you being eaten away, cored out, like a rotting carcass of prey in predators land.
What did he mean by that, 'he's not ready,' wasn't he ready when he stole your kiss the first time, wasn't he ready when he spilt his darkest secrets to you that rainy night, wasn't he ready when he cuddled you to sleep those crampy nights wasn't he ready when he "took" you during that intimate moment.
All of a sudden why did he feel like suddenly he couldn't do it anymore. You picked up your phone and sent a dry hey, in hopes that maybe that hey could turn into how are you and maybe even a let's get back together. In hopes that that hey would turn into an I'm sorry for being so stupid, I shouldn't have done that.
You stare longingly at the text, your heart halts the moment you notice he's read the text, those few seconds he spent typing back another 'hey' felt like forever wrapped in a minute. What now? The game is at a gridlocked everything and nothing could be said at the same time.
"how are you?" You respond with quivering fingers, was it even worth it trying to fix things, was it worth it fighting for someone who couldn't even take time out of their day to tell you how they were truly feeling, what made them make such a decision someone who felt comfortable enough chickening out on you at the last minute.
Those wedding bells you once heard between the two of you turned into an elegy that signalled the death of a tomorrow that once was. A simple how are you became a disguised what's on your mind? can we talk about it? Became an excuse to feel the slightest bit of intimacy that was.
"I'm alright"
And just like that your world came crushing down, he still had the strength to lie to you, but then again he didn't owe you his honesty anymore. You weren't his and he wasn't yours. The ropes of smoke you were once clinging too all of a sudden couldn't support your weight anymore.
"that's good..."
The battle that once ravaged your mind was now drowned out by the stormy waters of your salty tears. It really was over, and there was nothing you could do about it. You'd lost the war. What now? How were you expected to go on when the one thing that kept you going bailed out on you? The sweet embrace that once encompassed your being had now become a bitter frost that nipped at you sorely with each breath you took, torturing you enough to yearn for death as an escape.