#rayen rambles

[angelenentrenamiento]

I told myself I would steer away from the whole tucute vs transmedicalism debate but here’s your fave angry brown queer giving away some free education since I’m tired of white trans people always trying to talk over BIPOC trans issues:

Transmedicalism comes from a very RACIST, COLONIALIST AND PATHOLOGIZING BACKGROUND. Transmedicalism talks about how the only way to be trans is to feel dysphoria and that is extremely invalidating. If you think about the world before Euro and Seppocentrism became a thing, DIFFERENT GENDER IDENTITIES EXISTED BEFORE *gasp* WHITE PEOPLE FOUND OUT ABOUT IT?? 😨😨😨

Lets give some good FUCKING examples:

Hijras, machis, tongans, fakaleitis, two spirit, muxes, etc

When Amerigo Vespucci (el mismismo fucker that changed Abya Yala’s name to AMERICA) alongside his little whyt crackeritos coming along to invade and colonize our culture, we were punished to have this gender non conformity. We were FORCED to learn their Eurocentric rhetoric that there were only two genders - Man and Woman. When in reality, there’s more and white trans truSCUM seem to fucking FORGET that being trans is a worldwide experience. Your definition of being TRANSGENDER is white supremacy at it’s finest.

Transgender Black, Indigenous, people of color are always in the shadows when it comes to talk about OUR trans issues. You always hear about white trans issues and THEM describing their life in a very transmedicalist way and erasing cultures that are not white that had always accepted breaking gender roles.

GIVE TBIPOC A PLATFORM TO SPEAK ABOUT OUR EXPERIENCES.

[angelenentrenamiento]

Here’s a complete pic of my beanie baby collection if u want to see me 40 MINUTES rambling introducing them one by one,, go check out my IG live on instagram @malditxsudaca 😳💖

(sfw rbs only)

[angelenentrenamiento]

ur crush messages are so wholesome i still have some pending. im gonna flaunt about this ONE boy. im going to keep it a little secretive tho teehee....

What I feel towards this boy is something I’m not 100% sure of. I can’t really tell if this is romantic attraction or platonic attraction. For me, platonic attraction is more than friendship. I just dont want to be his friend, I want to be platonic with him. I want to hold his hand and caress it with the other. Look into his deep brown eyes and hum a song or two with him. He’s the literal description of Autumn for me. Let’s call him Autumn. Since I started developing these feelings at that stage of the year. I also don’t know if it’s romantic because, I don’t know if I can see myself in a romantic situation with anybody due to my major insecurity issues of the past. With him, I feel like we’re so close, yet so far. Close because, he’s my NEIGHBOR, far because, our worlds are so different. All I know is, that what I feel, is definitely love. Is it romantic? I don’t know. Platonic? most likely! I want to make him laugh, make him smile. I think I already have. I’ve made cakes for him and he says hes so grateful for the times I’ve gifted him the cakes I’ve made. I feel like, maybe,  I did bring joy to him in some way, at some point. Everyday I go outside to “sit” around. When in all honesty, I just sit and “wait” for him. I’m too shy to initiate anything, like go up to his house, knock on his door and start a conversation. Sometimes he comes out to play with his dog and sees me, we both smile at each other and he chat for a bit, before he goes back inside. He’s very introverted, and I’m EXTREMELY extroverted, so that’s a pro and a con. I’m just telling myself that this’ll take time, that this relationship/friendship/whatever won’t bloom in one night. It’ll take time, and if nothing happens in the end, shoot, at least I know we can still be great neighbors. I wouldn’t mind that at all. My face is entirely red from typing all of this, but it’s what I feel. I feel like what I feel is so pure, gentle, that his hands, although looking “masculine” and big, they weight like feathers, made of thin glass and I want to hold them with my hands and somewhat make him know, that I’m there for him. 

[angelenentrenamiento]

Welp, today I had my session with my psychiatrist. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I was very nervous telling him the nervous breakdown I had. The effects, thoughts, the things I did, the relapse. It was so scary. I was shaking as I told him. Due to the big meltdown, I have no choice but to re-start on klonopin again, but only for 2 months approx. He noticed I sounded different, looked different, and my head was somewhere else. He noticed I had relapsed. I was so happy to be 2 months without it, but he told me that sadly, due to my undiagnosed problems, I have to take them just for a little longer, so in the future I’ll be free of them. Today he sent me this paperwork, about ADHD and needed one of my family members to answer honestly, since he also hinted I might have it, in a few days I get the results. Apart from that, I have to get a psych-diagnosis. I told him I didn’t want a foggy answer of what it is I have and don’t have, I needed straightforward answers. At least, I’ll know what I have and it’ll bring so much closure. In all honesty, I’m trying to not let this break me (the fact I have to start on benzos again) but I’m trying to also convince myself that this isn’t forever, that this is for the meantime until they find the right pill for me that isn’t addictive and can help with whatever I have. So for now, I will continue my day to day life, keep on talking to my friends, and treat myself kind as much as possible.

[angelenentrenamiento]

i can “”””understand””” non black ppl to a certain extent when they say “im so stressed watching the news, there’s so much going on” but failing to realize that we are in a place of privilege where we are just SPECTATORS is less stressful than black people actually LIVING it everyday so

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