#re:tama

[cespires]

here’s to us, broken and lost in a world that hates us both. // @spected she didn't know where to begin with everything that's happened. one moment she's in her temple, wrapped in the knowledge that today would be a day like any other. it would begin with the sun barely awake, drifting into pinks hues that scatter across the sky, and it would end with orange blazing through the rifts made by the clouds where she would end up taking that same crosswalk home. she wanted to think that everything would keep being the same, and for the entirety of the day, she had thought it would. nothing out of the ordinary except today she hadn't expected to fall asleep in the bookstore, only to be woken up by the owner when the sun was already in a deep slumber. she hadn't expected to be afraid to get home too late. he's going to kill me, she thought, he's going to fucking kill me. and she had dashed home, missing the sound of the old man telling her to be careful and the dings from the bell on the door. she should've listened to his advice, should've paid more attention to where she was going, but the terrible ache in her bones that maybe today there would be more purple in her life than usual haunted her. it stopped her from seeing the car honking at her, from seeing somewhere desperately calling out her name, from taking another easy breath. she realized in a second that today would be the day that didn't match her other days. she missed coloring in her day with orange and yellow and colored it in crimson, white, and black instead. eight days later. "Kiel-sshi?" her head throbbed, aching at the pain from suddenly seeing too many lights in the room. she winced at having to opening her eyes, winced at the voice that called out to her with an unfamiliar name. her eyes adjusted to the light, slowly gazing up to see a nurse looking at her with concern in her eyes. What shocked her came the low tumble of her voice, how out of place it was except no one seemed surprised but her. the nurse gazed at her behind her glasses, a frown permanently perched on her face. "Can you hear me, Kiel-sshi?" through her raspy voice, she answered with a 'who?' and it's then that the nurse looked on at her with a quizzical expression. it's then that she looked down at hands that were much rougher and larger than her own. her hands rested on top of hair that didn't feel like hers and shorter than how she remembered it to be. "Do you not remember who you are?" just who the hell was she supposed to be? "Jieun." a familiar rattle forced her to turn her gaze at someone she would have never thought to see except in reflections. her eyes widened, barely able to grasp what her eyes were processing. was she dreaming? Had she died in that second of white and black? "Excuse me, can we have a moment alone? I'd like to speak with him."

[cespires]

she believes she's flying, and for once, maybe she is. // @erxsus

The light barely flicks into her room when she wakes, her eyes groggy from whatever alcoholic beverage she had the night before. it's six in the morning when she checks the time on her phone. it's too early for her to be awake, but too late for her to fall back into an uncomfortable slumber for thirty more minutes. she sighs to the disappearing moon and reappearing sun, wishing that perhaps if she closed her eyes again, she wouldn't have to open them again. but wishes were for children whose cheeks burned with the sun, whose eyes lit up like a flame, and whose hearts fluttered at the sight of marveling beauty. and she is no longer a child. she didn't marvel at the beauty of things, but instead she marvels at the cracks beneath the masks that people wore to hide their ugly. 

but she drowns the thought, gets up, and showers yesterday off her body. it's eight in the morning, and she's gliding through the shelves. she tucks a few strands of hair behind her ear, whispers to herself her favorite lines from novels she hasn't touched in decades and smiles. this is a safe place for her. there’s no one to come in and pull the hurt from beneath her skin out in the open. but as she sits on the stool behind the counter, her chrysanthemum tea cooling beside her fingers in her cup, she isn’t so sure about that anymore. 

the bell twinkles and the opened door brings with it a small wind. her downcast eyes gaze upward, voice ready to greet the customer, but instead the voice dies at the sight of a girl whose eyes knows too much. she’s almost learned how to love those eyes of hers, but the fear of getting swallowed up by them forces her to stop. a tormented soul is a soul that is unloved. love it, and it will learn to break you. "Star," She whispers carefully, almost afraid that if she speaks too suddenly, she would disappear. "What are you doing here so early in the morning?"

the girl waltzes over, unhinged and eyes ready to tell a story that jieun is not ready to hear. but she readies herself to hear it anyway. “You look unwell. Is something the matter? Did the tea I recommended not help with the headache?”

a tormented soul is a broken one. try to heal it, and it will send a war.

[cespires]

(have you ever stood so tall you could see the world falling, crumbling, trembling at your feet?) // @petiteflcurs She came in like a wisp of air, seeping through the cracks of the room and making it her own. Jieun barely heard her, eyes only gazing up to stare at a girl whose eyes seemed to be turning into another season that was unlike her own when she whispered her name. it came as a soft drumming, words fumbling over words. messy, she thought, but lovely nonetheless. "What brings you here again, Haeun-sshi? Already finished the book I recommended?" Her own words fell, weaving off into an unwanted coat of armor that she was prepared to remove. between the differences of their lives, she found shelter in the way her eyes turned from summer to autumn. how it felt warm against her skin and how the sounds of crinkling leaves felt beneath her naked feet. (Her eyes were downcast, trapping her in a sea of nerves.) "I just wanted to bring you something." (she dared her eyes to look) "Oh? And what's that?" (and bravery crashed upon her shores). "This." she lifted her hands to reveal a small, wrapped package. it was adorned in a shade of pink that matched the dusting on her cheeks. she smiled at the thought of haeun fretting over what to bring her, busily but carefully wrapping the package so that the paper did not tear. jieun imagined it to be like the way she danced, gracefully crossing through the room in a seamless pattern as though she knew just where to go. even a home can feel unfamiliar when the mind was worried and frantic, but even in those moments, she imagined haeun to be as lovely as she was now. "You didn't have to bring me anything." I'd welcome your autumn sun anyway. "But thank you for being kind. Can I open it now?"

[cespires]

here // @hedonyms

He's rich with a war on his skin, layers of toughened ground that protects him wherever he goes. he's a man with few words, sounds falling off his lips that match the thumps on the ground. but she listens to him, intently and expectantly, as though she's waiting for some off tune in his voice to tell her something more than what he forces himself to say. but he cuts himself off and redirects a question back at her. she aligns her motions with his, the space between their arms as they swing back and forth becoming like a crumbling fortress. jieun wants to hear more, but all she gets is what he's so used to telling others: simple words meant to save the moment for another time. "I've met plenty of people in my life that I shouldn't have." Monsters and like-minded men that have touched her skin and made it feel like lava. She hides her scars, but she wonders if they were evident to his clear eyes. she wonders what kind of melancholy plays out in his mind when no one is around. "I've loved people who I shouldn't have. became selfish, wanted more, and then when I realized what I'd done, I'd just up and leave." the air is heavy on her skin, the rain from earlier already forgotten by the way the ground dries under the sun. she shifts the weight on her feet, looking down at how the gravel crumbles beneath her shoes as she walks. gravel turns to grass, and she looks up to see that they're closer to their destination. she stops and turns to her side, staring at parker for affirmation though she needed none. "I sound terrible, don't I? but deep down, we're all a little terrible. You think that's okay though? To be terrible, and yet still have people love you just as you love them?"

[cespires]

and here is where you stand, @hivaeths She flutters her eyelashes when she wakes, the sunlight warming her cheeks through the half broken window. she doesn’t remember being here. the last thing she remembers is the haunting sadness that overlooks her in the guise of the moon, and the even more haunting look in the lifeless eyes of the man she’s just killed. She remembers crying, crawling back to the hut that didn’t belong to hers, but never making it far enough to get inside. 

The pain is a recent memory, and she flinches at the sharp tug at her side. her fingers slip around her neck, and suddenly she can’t breath. suddenly she remembers that his hands were around her neck, cursing at her for coming into his home and trying to take his life. She sees the anger in his eyes, but beneath it was betrayal of the worst kind. 

“He fed me, bathed me, and took care of me like I was his daughter.” She whispers to herself, not knowing that she was not entirely by herself. “And I killed him.” She doesn’t know when she starts to cry, but she cries with a howl that beckons even the wolves to come to comfort her. But who would comfort someone like her? 

God, did it hurt. and she asks Him with blind faith that He would reply to her, “God, why does it hurt?”

He replies with the wind bowling into the room, the crackling of the wood beneath a burning fire that fills the air with a warmth that she doesn’t deserve. Her tears dry when she hears shuffling on the ground, turning to her side to see a boy she’s known for only a short while. He smiles at her like he was some heaven sent boy though she knows he comes from the exact opposite.

“Did you bring me into the hut?” But strange how things came to be. How those you thought to be evil were kinder than those who told the world of their honor. “You should’ve let me die.”

But you did, is probably what he wants to say. It’s what she knows even if he doesn’t say a single word. She scoffs at him, but it doesn’t sit well with her and she starts to cough. Blood falls onto the sheets, and she curses at herself for being so damn weak. 

“I don’t need your pity.” She sneers because he’s the only person here who she can turn her sadness into anger at. “You shouldn’t even be here.”

[cespires]

@theseelenine // here.

she’s seen the way he pulls away from the people around him as though he extracts his entire being from the very environment he’s placed himself in to see how the world works. His eyes are peculiar as they linger on her, emotionless in one sort yet holding everything within them. It’s almost terrifying to see how much she sees herself in him, and she can only begin to imagine what horrors he’s lived through to keep the tales to himself and tell no one. Because that would mean weakness, and he seems like the kind of man that doesn’t do well with weakness.

He settles himself on the stool, making himself comfortable in the confines of the bookstore that he seeks refuge in. She’s seen him around, buying books that she’s never even read herself (she finds herself thoroughly challenged whenever she picks up the books he’s purchased) and they’ve only spoken a few times before today. He’s not a man for many words, but despite that, his words carry a weight to them that nothing else can. They’re  heavy and hold more depth than most people suspect. She’s spent a few times trying to decipher his words, but most of the time, she lets them fade because he’s a man that’s designed to give you nothing and yet everything all at once. 

“Hm, fine.” She perches her chin on top of her palm, watching as he lets his backpack fall to the ground before staring at her. There’s a challenging look in his gaze, like he’s won some game that she doesn’t realize they were playing except now she’s fully committed. “Maybe tonight will be more interesting than it has for the past week since you’re around.”

There’s a grin on her face, and she wonders just what kind of thought process goes through that head of his. It only fades when he shows her his phone screen that’s a bit too far for her to fully read everything. But she gets the gist of it, and somehow she finds it almost adorable that he’s got to show her why he’s staying here in the first place. Not that it was the main reason behind his stay anyway.

“The first winter snow? How charming.” There’s a pause in her movements before she leaves him for a few minutes. When she comes back, there are two mugs in her hand. “Here, have some. You must be cold after walking outside. Your ears are rather red.” 

She places the blue mug in front of him as she places her own mug to her lips to take a sip. “Hot chocolate is best at this time, but you don’t have to drink it if you don’t want to.”

[cespires]

@jaenv // here.

She lingers beside him for a moment, staring in disbelief at the man who gives her an almost cocky stare back. It’s like watching someone rip the spine of a person out when she sees the worn-out page in his hand. It wrinkles almost immediately as he keeps his grip on it, the left side of the page like the ridges of mountain tops. 

“You suck,” She gasps lightly, almost ashamed at her word choice. Almost.

“That was mean. You’re terrible.” She reaches over, standing on her tips of her toes to grab the book out of his hands. She gazes at the incomplete book on a subject she had never really cared for. There’s a frown on her face accompanied with a scowl directed toward the man. “You know you could get fined for this, right?”

He doesn’t seem like the type to care, but she says it anyway. There was something about the air around him that seemed like trouble, and he probably thought the same for her. She’s never seen him before, and the way she saw him scanning the bookshelves reassured her that there was definitely something off about him. 

Suddenly, like she’s afraid he would run away, she curls her fingers around his wrist. “pay for the damages! You know, someone could have really needed this book on physics. Now they’re never going to attain the full knowledge this book could have provided.”

[cespires]

@consilian​ // here. She wants to be here, to be fully aware of all the things around her. She's grown too old to continue on suffering, but something in the back of her head keeps her chained to the memories that lash out in prismatic color before turning into a reel of black and white. Hyemi's grip on her wrist breathes flames onto her skin, but it doesn't hurt. It never does. It settles, and soon the flames bring warmth to her body. she's reminded of her mother's touch, and how gentle she remembers it to be. "I wish there was more," she sighs because the words escape her lips but nothing she wants to say comes out. It's only what she can say. "But sometimes I wish everything could just end. You know, like the movies. End credits, and then nothing more. No sequel, no special. Just a finale." Her breathing steadies, and her cheeks are rosy from winter's touch yet she feels nothing. She wonders how she could be so cold, yet so warm at the same time. Her scarf provided little heat to keep her warm, but Hyemi's warmth provided another sort of comfort. It's different. It’s something that touches her soul and latches on with no plans on letting go. It's the kind that never completely leaves. "Maybe pain is just the same. Sometimes it lingers on like movies you find boring, but something compels you to stay and watch until the very end." The bench squeaks beneath her weight as she leans back against the spine of the wood. "But when you're done, you have a moment of thankfulness that it's over." She turns to look at hyemi as she gives her a worn-out smile. "But maybe you just have to remind yourself to be thankful that you learned something in the end."