#re-assess

[shericonaway]

When Life Conspires

Life Will Always Give You Signs Sometimes, Life alters your plans without you even realizing it. Take for example the 3 dance nights I had scheduled for this weekend. I missed the first one because I didn’t start working until late in the afternoon, and decided I’d rather get things done than get cleaned up to go out. On night two, the friend I was going to meet there messaged me to say she was…

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[heart-prisms]

how näive i was to think that revolution can happen overnight.

revolution is painstaking and requires sacrifice. it entails the burning of the old into ash and the embracing of a new normal.

i stand with a match. i gaze skyward over a pile of memories that hold the moon in the sky and link it with the dirt path under my sneakers. trains criss-cross the mound. 

i’ve tried to light it so many times, watch it burn, watch the scattered winds fling ash far, far away. i imagined myself standing alone in the empty dirt patch. no trace of the past except for the heavy scent of smoke and black scorched earth.

but i know that i am not at that point. i cannot strike the match against the side of the box just yet. i cannot bear to click the lighter in my pocket. the match is in my hand. it was once wet with my tears and the constant rain pouring overhead. now, the fragile wooden sticks are prone to breakage in my tense hands. i must keep replacing them.

i realize that i’m wasting matches to my nervous hands, my distraught mind, and turbulent emotions. though it goes against the buzzing of every cell and nerve in my body, i tuck the match away. with a quick snap, i spread a blanket on the ground, lie down, and close my eyes.

before i can continue the task for revolution in the mind, i must gently shake myself into revolution of the heart. revolution is necessarily violent. my own pride, ego, longing, grief, and pain must be overthrown. 

i hear on the radio that the rain will stop soon, but the lightning scrambles the signal. i must believe that things will change. in weather, in heart, in mind. one day, i will set the mound alight and bid it gently goodbye. grass will sprout from the ground anew.