NOTE: not beta read. this story is heavily self indulgent. I'm heavily projecting onto Trinity here, it has very little basis with canon. It's just me giving her my unspeakable horrors but shes older, wiser and gets comfort afterwards ♡♡. Nothing Trinity thinks is happening here is a reflection of Dana or Cassie as caregivers. She is reliving a traumatic moment from her childhood and trying to take control of it like she couldn't back then. I hope this makes sense, it's difficult portraying the confusion that comes with a flashback as severe as this. TRIGGER WARNING: this fic deals with topics of BIPOLAR , MANIA , MEDICATION TALK , CHILDHOOD TRAUMA && IMPLIED ABUSE please don't be afraid to skip this one, your mental health matters more than a fic!
Title from "A Few Of Your Own" by Noah Kahan
“ I grew up with a feeling that what's good must be fleeting. ”
Summary: Dana has a bad day, Trinity misinterprets what she's seen, and her CGs learn some new things about her childhood. With a few bumps along the way.
Things in the Evans-McKay household were a bit tense today. At work today, things had been worse than they had been in awhile, they'd had near back-to-back trauma all shift, and one of the nurses had been attacked by a patient. Admin had been avoidant as usual about it, and while it hit everyone hard, it hit Dana particularly hard.
Trinity, Victoria, Dennis and Mel had come over afterwards, all feeling too close to regressing to feel comfortable going home alone (even if Dennis and Trinity would've been going home together). And now, at around 9pm, they had all dropped. Victoria and Dennis were pretty young, sitting at 3 and 4 respectively. Mel was a little older, at 6. And Trinity was the oldest, sitting around 9 years old. She usually would regress younger on days like this, but something felt like it was stopping her from going any younger.
She'd told Cassie that she just didn't need to be as small today. And she'd seemingly accepted that, but in reality, Trinity's brain just didn't feel safe enough to go smaller. Her body felt like it was in a constant state of fight or flight, unable to stop and breathe and accept that things weren't necessarily about to go to shit. It was a feeling she was well accustomed too, having felt this way near constantly since she was actually around this old until only very recently when she'd found her caregivers.
Right now, they were all hanging around in the living room, the littles playing and Dana and Cassie were sitting supervising. Though it was mainly Cassie, as Dana seemed kind of out of it. It made Trinity's stomach twist uncomfortably even though she knew realistically Dana had just had a bad day. She wasn't like Trinity's real parents. Anxiety and PTSD weren't always very rational, though.
“Trinny, help build?” Dennis babbles around his pacifier, tugging softly on Trinity's sleeve, pulling her from her own zoned-out state. It was probably a bit more like dissociation, but they didn't look all that different if you didn't know what to look for.
“Oh. Um.. Yea, Den. ‘ll help you guys build. What're we buildin’?” Trinity asks, glancing over at where the others had dumped out the box full of wooden blocks of varying shapes and sizes.
“‘osp’tal” Victoria pipes up from where she was sat on the other side of the pile. Trinity honestly wasn't in much of a mood to be playing, especially not with littles so much younger than her, but she also had this gut feeling that if she left and went to one of the bedrooms for the littles, something really bad would happen. So she stayed. Even though her stomach lurched uncomfortably at the idea of building a hospital. She knew they were just processing their day through play, little kids do that, but she didn't want to think about the hospital ever, ever again!
But she was a good girl. So Trinity doesn't say anything. She just starts to help them build, quietly joining in with conversations when she feels like she's gone too long without saying anything or was asked something directly. Just trying to make it through the evening so she could go to bed and forget all about her no good, very bad day.
Trinity wasn't sure how she didn't start to notice when things went wrong. She really had been trying to pay attention. But dissociation tugged at the back of her mind insistently and she couldn't help but give into it for a little while. But one minute, she’s just helping Victoria build out the ambulance bay. Then, Dana is crying and getting up, heading into the kitchen and closing the door before anyone can stop her.
“Cass? Why Day sad?” Mel asks, already starting to chew on her bottom lip, an anxious habit of hers when she was little. Cassie sighs, already standing up,
“Dana had a hard day, okay? Can you guys be good and stay here while I go check on her?” Cassie asks, softly. And Trinity's heart jumps up into her throat. She knows how this goes. She’s done this before. She remembers. Knows what to do. So, she speaks up before anyone else can, hoping the panic she felt internally wasn't clear I'm her voice.
“Uh huh, Dad. I got the little ones.” Realistically, if it were any other day, any other situation, they would've realised something was wrong when Trinity called Cassie dad instead of her usual affectionate ‘Papa’ or ‘Pa’. But today, Cassie just thanked her and followed Dana into the kitchen, leaving Trinity with the little ones.
“Okay, guys. We gotta give Dad ‘n Mom some space, okay? How about we go and hang out in my room for a little bit. You guys can watch a movie on my tablet.” Trinity offers, her heart feeling like it was beating out of her chest. She had to get them upstairs and away before things got really bad. Before the yelling started. If she did things right, maybe Mom would only yell and her and Dad, not at any of them. Trinity could take it, she knew what to do, and she was older. Vic, Mellie and Denny were just babies. They didn't know what was happening.
“Bu’— B’ Trinny, Dada ‘ay no’ leave ‘ere.” Victoria mumbles, her voice quiet and slightly wobbly. Because she was already frightened and Trinity was probably not helping very much in that department.
“I know, but she also put me in charge and I think it’s better if we go upstairs right now, okay?” Trinity's voice was getting tighter, sharper. She didn't mean to, she was just scared. She didn't need them arguing with her right now. She just needed to keep them safe. She was trying to be a good big sister goddammit! She was older! So she picks up Victoria, even though it hurts her arms, and starts heading upstairs. Thankfully, Mellie and Denny seem to listen, trailing behind her.
Trinity took a shaking deep breath as she sets Vic down on her bed, scrambling to find her tablet and the charger, setting it up so they could all watch it. Her chest felt tight, and it was like she could hear her blood rushing in her ears. She thinks maybe Mel tried to say something. Or Vic. But she can't make out the words. She was flickering between now and years ago. She couldn't let it go down like last time. If she did it right maybe Mom wouldn't have to leave, they could get her back on her meds at home instead. She clicks on Moana and turns up the volume as high as she can get it to go without overwhelming Mel.
“I- I gotta go. Need to— just— you guys stay here, okay? Dont— dont come out ‘till me or Dad tell you to.” Trinity mumbles as she heads out the door, closing it before she can hear any of their replies. She probably wouldn't hear them anyways.
Okay. Okay. You know how to do this Trinity. You can be good. You can get it right this time. Trinity quietly tip-toes down the stairs, trying to push away the further fuzziness trying to creep into her mind. She couldn't get smaller. She had to be the big sister right now. Had to fix things.
When she gets downstairs, she sits down by the doorway of the kitchen, trying to listen in and hear what was going on. It also kept her close enough to help if things went wrong. She was bigger now. She could probably stop Mom from throwing anything or trying to pack her things! She stays real, real quiet and tries to strain her ears to hear what was going on.
She doesn't hear any yelling. Which is weird. Mom's supposed to be yelling by now. Dad too. Why can't she hear anything? What if somethings gone really bad? What if something bad had happened while she was getting the others upstairs? Oh God. Oh fuck. She should've been faster. Should've been better. Oh fuck. Stupid Trinity. Stupid stupid stupid. This is all your fault. You've ruined it again. You should've stopped them from building the hospital. How stupid can you be?
Oh God. She can't breathe. She can't— Her brains going too fast. She needs to calm down. She needs to get up. She can't just sit here. She needs to check on Mom and Dad. Needs to keep everyone safe. Needs to fix things. Ow. Ow. Her chest hurts. Everything hurts. She’s scared. Shes so, so scared. She doesn't want to see Mom like this again. I hate all of you. —— Mom, I think you're manic. —— It- It isn’-isn’t always a meds th-ing. —— Off her meds for over a week. —— Going away for a little while —— I hate all of you —— I hate all of you.
“Trinity? Trin, Baby, what are you doing out here? Where are the others?” Trinity's head snaps up, eyes flicking around wildly. She's pretty sure she flinched. But she manages to get her eyes to focus enough to realise that it's Cassie Dad speaking. She's crouched down in front of her. (It's Cassie. It's just Cassie and Dana. Dana doesn't have Bipolar. She isn't like Mom. Cassie isn't like Dad.) She's calm. Too calm. Somethings wrong. Somethings really, really wrong.
“I— I... They— They're up’tairs. I-in m-my room. Wa-watchin a m-movie. I-I took ‘em away b-before th’ ye-yelling st-starts. Di-didn’t wa-want mom t-to ye-yell at them too. Fi-figured y-you an’ m-me ca-can handle it, li-like last time! Bu-Bu better!” Trinity manages to get out. She was crying. When had she started crying? Mom couldn't see her like this. She'd get sad. I-im so-orry tha-at i ma-made you cr-cry tri-trinity. —— I un-unde-rstand if you ha-te me now.
“Okay— Okay. Can you take a deep breath for me, Trin? In for four, out for four, hold for four. Can you do that for me?” Cassie Dad Da-Cassie (? Confusing. Her brain doesn't know where it is anymore) murmurs, taking slow, exaggerated breaths. Trinity tries to copy, but she doesn't do a very good job. Dad Cassie doesn't yell, doesn't get mad. Just keeps going with the slow breaths until Trinity can copy them more often than not.
“Good job, honey. Can you try and tell me now why you think Dana was going to yell at you? And at me? And what last time you mean? I wanna know how to help.” She prompts, gently. The praise felt kind of grounding. Dad didn't give praise like that. Cassie couldn't be Dad. Trinity sniffles, wiping her nose on her arm. She was pretty sure she'd gotten smaller at some point.
“C-Cause.. Cause.. Last time.. Last time Mom got real emotional all of a sudden, she did lotsa yellin’ at me. And cryin’ and you— no. No. Dad. Dad got involved. And it was bad. A-and Mom hadn' been takin’ her meds. F’r ‘er moods. S-so she wen’ ma-manic. A-and she had to g-go away for a-almost a week a-and it was really scary.” Trinity hiccups, burying her face in her knees. She hated remembering. It made her scared. It's why she didn't want it happening again.
Cassie pulls her into a hug. Trinity doesn't fight it, but doesn't uncurl either. Just let's herself be held.
“I'm so sorry that happened to you, Trini Baby. I promise Dana isn't Manic. She isn't going to yell, and she isn't going to go anywhere. She just had a tough day at work and got sad. She stepped out so she wouldn't cry in front of you little ones.” Cassie murmurs, one hand rubbing up at down Trinitys back in a repetitive, soothing pattern. “Would it help if I let you go in and see for yourself that Dana is okay? Only if you want to.”
Trinity nods, uncurling just enough to tuck her face against Cassie's neck. So, Cassie picks her up, holding Trinity against her chest. She bounces her gently as she takes her into the kitchen. Trinity was pretty sure Cassie was monthing something, could hear the moving of her mouth, but she didn't really want to move to look. If it was bad, she didn't think she could handle knowing.
“Trin, sweetheart, do you wanna look at me?” Dana prompts, gently. Trinity hesitates, but slowly lifts her head. Bracing herself incase Dana looked like Mom had. But she didn't. Sure, her eyes were a little red, but she didn't look like Mom. And didn't sound like it either. Maybe Dana really was okay. Maybe things really, really weren't bad for once.
“... Mama..” Trinity whines softly, starting to squirm in Cassie's arms. She needed Dana. Needed to know her Mama really, really was okay. Thankfully, Cassie is quick to hand her over, and Trinity immediately buries her face in Dana's neck, clinging on tight.
“Papa's gonna go check on your siblings while you and I have some cuddles, is that okay?” Dana prompts, and Trinity's brain struggle at first to process the words, but then nods. She thinks back to how worried they'd looked and felt guilty for making them feel like that.
“Think I scare’ ‘em mama. I ‘idn’ mean ta.” Trinity mumbles, her thumb coming up to her mouth, sucking gently on it. Mama presses a kiss to the top of her head, holding her tighter.
“You didn't do it on purpose. Thats what's important. And you were trying to protect them, hon. Even if there wasn't actually something to protect them for. But I'm sure they'll understand when Papa explains.” Mama reassures, bouncing her gently. She gently pulls Trinity's thumb from her mouth, replacing it with a pacifier she must've grabbed from the drying rack where it'd been left after being cleaned last.
“Y’think? Gon’ says sorry. Bu’ don’ wan’ them ta b’ scar’d ‘f me or be sad a’ me.” Trinity mumbles, sucking softly on the pacifier and burying herself closer to Mama. She let's herself relax for a moment, feeling fuzzy and small in Mama's arms.
“I know so, baby girl. How about we have a nice, calm night? All come hunker down in mine and Papa's room?” Mama suggests, and that makes Trinity smile. Cuddle piles with Mama and Papa made everything better. She nods immediately, clinging tighter.
Trinity isn't sure how long it takes for Papa and the others to come back downstairs, but Mama had moved them out to the living room by then, curling up with her on the couch. It's Denny who shuffles over to her first, eyes a little red but not looking upset anymore.
“You feel ‘kay now, Trinny? Papa sayed you was scared. But tha’ you were do-din better now.” He mumbles, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. Trinity's stomach felt warm and fuzzy at that. Her Denny was so so nice!
“Uh huh, ‘kay now. ‘m sor’y Denny. A-an y’u too Mellie ‘n Vic. No mean ta scare y’u. We ‘kay?” She asks quietly, peeking out from where she was hiding against Mama.
“‘f course we're okay, Trinny. You didn't mean to scare us. And- And Cass said you thought you was protectin’ us. An’ thats nice. S-so really you was doin’ a nice thing.” Mellie pipes up, earning nods from Vic — who was in Papa’s arms — and Denny. Trinity immediately felt herself relax fully. Her Vic and her Melly and her Denny weren't mad at her. Mama and Papa were okay. Things were good. She was safe. She has a family.
“Okay, who's ready for a cuddle pile in Mama and I’s room?” Papa prompts, smiling softly. She's immediately met with a chorus of excited “yes”s. And for tonight, nothing else mattered. Not the past. Not work. Nothing. Just family. Real family. The one which chose her. The one which loved her.
