Like I know you’re really private about dealing with things, but I want to help and I don’t want to worry about things not going well today.
And it’s been so annoying because yes, both of us refuse to confide in people to an extent (at this point I confide in myself, pretty much), which makes it really hard to communicate and be there for each other.
Mum got on my case that I don’t tell her things about my life anymore and I’m just like, what do you want to know that you haven’t ridiculed me for before? Or something you won’t pester me about? I told her I liked a boy and suddenly it’s like we are all buddy buddy? No nononononono. Like you can’t expect to tell me everything like that. My business is my business. It tears me apart to open up to people because honestly I never tell anyone anything, so is it like my whole life is a secret?
My sexuality, my aspirations, my fears, no one really knows them. It’s all so surface right now and it feels so purposeless. I want someone I can confide in, but that person won’t confide back. And then it’s just like, we both have our bottled up problems and it’s terrible. Or the people I attempt to confide in say things that make me anxious about doing that every again (i.e: “I really don’t like your pessimism”/“why are you this way, your life is so fortunate?” To which I’m like, piss off this is why I don’t confide in your ass, you walnut).
It just makes me angry when I express myself and people kinda just laugh it off instead of asserting to people that I’m not always going to be just like them.
For example, yesterday:
“Yeah if I get a partner, I’m not really going to want to have sex with them, you know?” To which my friends reply, “what? Of course you will, you’ll change your mind. If he wants it, you’ll give.” Or “you’ll never get a man that way.”
Like for one, that’s gross? The only thing that would make me have sex is my curiosity at this point. Pregnancy and sex scare and disinterest me. And the fact that I would just give it up that way if my partner wanted it. What. No. That’s not how it works. I hate having to assert that I don’t want to have sex because people look at you like you’re an alien. Like I literally have no need or insatiable desire to fornicate or procreate. Please just accept that and care about you getting laid instead of how I willingly do not get laid.
Moreover, if I get a partner who doesn’t respect the fact that I do not wish to have sex, then why would I be with that person? I literally know all about being pressured and manipulated from my last relationships, and I’m done freaking out and doing things I don’t want to do.
And it’s really hard to talk about these things, you know, because I’m kinda not sure what kinda thing I’m feeling right now. Because honestly over the last few years I’m like: “girls are really pretty” and that confuses me because I’m not sure what way I’m thinking about this… Like do I like girls romantically? Because I used to be a nasty person and say “there’s no way in hell I’d ever be a lesbian”. But it’s like, girls are so pretty and smart just like boys can be…. So am I just feeling weird and fervently denying this because it makes me uncomfortable?
Alongside that I also still have a lot of internal problems that I need to fix, and the friends I have can’t really foster that kind of progress within me. They all are extremely judgmental about things, or don’t understand where I’m coming from and cannot offer advice (except for the pity advice like: “I know things will get better”). Like me not eating and being happy about losing weigh in a dangerous fashion isn’t healthy. Me drinking out of stress and buying a ecig hookah thing even though I abhor smoking is just an obvious alarm to myself that it’s not going well.
But hey. It’s whatever I guess. I know what I need to get in order. I’ve got this.
