Basically I feel like I come to tumblr whenever I need to rant or like get something off my chest. Life updates: I’m in grad school now to get my PhD in cancer biology. I knew the university I was attending would be a super PWI... and all of the shit show that accompanies this. Long story short, I thought even though this uni was a PWI, that it was one of the better choices for diversity and inclusion by far (this still might be true, but it still is majorly lacking). Acclimating to the yt academic environment is already really hard, and I just have never felt like I had a place of belonging all throughout my life/ schooling so I feel like I have a lot of compounded issues ranging from family, to being in academia, and friends/ school groups. So I’m just going to like go through them all in different posts and dump my thoughts because I feel like I have no one to articulate this to AT ALL and it sucks.
Academia:
Like I said before, I am about to matriculate into my 3rd year in my PhD program and I have never felt so lost. When I first applied here, some of my friends had gone to the summer program for undergrads and said the diversity office was amazing and supportive. After all of my other interviews (like 8 others) for either cancer/ cell biology programs at other schools who basically told me they didn’t have any diversity office/ support or that they’d need my efforts to make their programs better I felt like the university that I chose would be the best choice because it seemed to have a solid advisor and office in place.
Although this might be true superficially, I have never been so wrong. I have never really felt welcome in the diversity office where I am after they asked me for my background. It seemed that once they found that I was a multiracial student who didn’t match the criteria of students that they commonly recruited, there was a big divide and lapse in communication. The director of the office actually ignored me in public spaces for months at graduate events after this. They were known for being personable and gossipy, which really appealed to a lot of the students I knew and befriended in my graduate program/ school, but being on the other side of that just felt so othering. It’s strange because that’s supposed to be their job to support all URM students-- and it still really hurts.
Moreover, since I have arrived here someone in my cohort constantly harassed me and bothered me in public spaces concerning my racial/ethnic make-up. It has been extremely awkward to combat this and constantly have to validate myself in public spaces with other students, in elevators with faculty, and in class. It feels like everyone at this institution knows I am a underrepresented minority (URM) student, but everyone decided to make assumptions about what that was instead of asking me. Although I don’t like being asked the pointed question “where are you really from?” I much prefer that than being profiled and put a group that I do not identify with in both professional and social situations. Not to say there is anything wrong with being associated with other groups of people, but I don’t academically represent this certain group of students, and I certainly do not want to take the space from other URM students in this group who deserve to be in my graduate program.
I have cried several times because it’s been really frustrating and uncomfortable. The feeling has only continued as I continued throughout my career and joined my thesis lab. And most unfortunately, these feelings have even stemmed from direct conversations with my colleagues and my mentor. I currently work as a grad student in the lab of a well known WW in my field. When I interviewed with this faculty specifically, I was really excited because she was exactly in the field I wanted to be in and seemed to have a great reputation among fellow faculty and students. I asked her directly how she works with diversity, if diversity was and important factor for her life/work, and how she feels about my intense involvement/volunteering with URM. Her answers were vague (which wasn’t very surprising), but I enjoyed my experience rotating with her and decided to join the lab. I now regret this. Last year, I expressed my desire to start applying for my own funding, which was responded to quite well. I submitted several applications for grants/ fellowships during my time in the lab so far. However, my PI knows that I am URM and gave me an opportunity to submit a diversity supplement for a R01 grant she had for my current thesis topic. I was very excited to do this, but upon reviewing my application I saw that she too just assumed what minority group I belonged to and I felt hurt that she didn’t ask. There was also a signed letter from the diversity office which basically “confirmed” I was a URM student. Upon seeing that we were about to submit forms to the government which were falsely identifying me (which takes spots from students from this group) I called my family to ask if I should confront her and get her to change the forms. My mother and sister were furious, but my father said that I should keep my relationship with my advisor smooth. He asserted, like he has many times before, that people love to fill quotas and that it is easier to let it be. But, in my heart I just knew that it wasn’t right. I confronted my advisor and it broke my heart when she merely responded with a laugh “Oh, I just assumed. What are you?”. After telling her and justifying my identity once again, she said she would change it. I never know if she truly did, and she never really apologized. As a WW who is older, I know that some things that she says are out of pocket and not really PC. But I feel like I could never trust her again with anything personal after this, even though I only considered her as my boss in the first place.
My lab no longer really feels like home. Not like it ever did. With recent events such as the coronavirus pandemic/ protests against police brutality and systemic racism I feel extremely disappointed in the handling of this situation by my mentor. My mentor assumed that everyone would be just as excited to get back to research, asserting that COVID-19 wouldn’t be a big deal and working in a building where rules haven’t really been well-established would be fine (because of x, y, z statistics from the surrounding hospitals). She also asserted that she wouldn’t be there and tried to bend the capacity rules to help our lab have more people working. And the last thing that she said after many conversations with our group about returning to research was that if we didn’t feel comfortable, we didn’t need to come in. That struck a chord. The first thing you should ask people is if they feel okay, and assert that their comfort is paramount. My mentor, who has made research her life (which is a choice and that’s fine), said we could make up for lost time with a 7 day work week and the last thing she asked was about our comfort. That speaks volumes about my university and the awful environment that so many graduate students have to face. I felt extremely pressured to go back to work-- but I still haven’t gone. In terms of protests and racial injustice/ police brutality, my mentor sent out ONE email about the current state of the nation. It was all fluff, all wishing that the city stays safe from looting. No resources to support Black people or our community. It was all from a place of privilege, one that puts property above people. This is all while other labs are having important conversations about racism, giving out resources and taking strong stances to be anti-racist. I have never felt more alone in this space. As a student of color, I have not received any words of support from my mentor. All I have are half-assed emails from our diversity office and program that basically have done nothing. I have attended university town halls that have been superficial and frustrating. Everything about graduate school makes me want to drop out with my master’s more and more everyday. And I don’t even feel like I can tell my advisor this, because our relationship will never recover.
I struggle with my personal feelings as a student of color and my academic career. I’ve reached out to my family asking it if it would be appropriate to try to leave the lab over this, to switch mentors. It just doesn’t seem clear. But I am tired of being asked to validate who I am. I am tired of my colleagues assuming who I am, of saying “Oh I forgot you were x, sorry”. I am tired of academia being so white, so awful, but not being enough of any group as a multiracial student to really feel like I have a sense of belonging with other URM.
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