𝓩ion,
I attended your seeing-off today. It’s been a very long day, full of some of the most peculiar moments I’ve experienced in my life. Your wife glared at me with wet eyes as your body was carried to the tombs, and I felt like scum. None of your children so much as looked at me, which was completely understandable. If I were them, I wouldn’t want to look at me either. I hope you would not take offense to know that I actually didn’t want to be there, what with our relationship history; I figured your family might take it as an insult, and had hoped to spend the day in my rooms. However, I was gently told by the cooks that it would have looked far worse to not attend, so there I was.
I rather regret going, to tell you the truth. I suppose there’s no harm in telling you the truth now, so I can do it as much as I like. What a strange feeling, to know I can speak my innermost thoughts to you after a decade by your side.
Not to be self-involved, especially now that you’re de gone, but I’ve just now discovered my new truth-telling ability and want to take advantage of it, so: this has been an absolutely horrible week. I feel all your lords’ and ladies’ eyes boring into me wherever I go, their faces twisted just so as if they’re asking me “what are you still doing here?” It’s as though without your bed to warm, I’ve lost all usefulness. Or, well, I still have some usefulness, but I’m not taking advantage of it—so, ultimately, useless. Do all these years keeping your home running smoothly mean nothing? Your last Chamberlain was all but useless (I don’t feel ungracious saying so, do you remember how much of your coin he was slipping into his own pocket?), and if I have to be honest (ha) I actually take quite a bit of pride in my work. It’s the one thing I’m proud of, really. It rankles a bit that none of your friends seem willing at all to recognize that I’m anything more than a whore, but I suppose that’s to be expected—what do your kind know of caring for servants or watching their expenditures?
I’m sorry, that was sharp of me. It’s just been a difficult time for everyone, what with you gone.
I didn’t anticipate it, you know. The difficulty of living without you. I had often thought that my life would be incomparably easier if you weren’t in it or if I had never met you, but the moment you were gone I realized just how much of my life revolved around you. You were in every day, in so many little things I did, interwoven in my schedule so much so that I can barely rewrite my hours now to not include you. You still color my thoughts as though you are alive, heart pounding and hands reaching for me. I still need to remind myself to walk to my chambers every night, and have stopped halfway towards yours more than once.
You have tamed me so thoroughly.
Half the Keep thinks I was (am) desperately in love with you; why else would I be rejecting all the offers I began getting before your body was even cold? The other half thinks you were unspeakably cruel to me and look at me as though I’m a broken toy. Can’t say I like that very much. This may not have been the life I wanted for myself—another truth, despite what I said to you so many times—but I was not miserable. Not always, at least. Others have been forced to do worse things under less forgiving circumstances, so I figure I have no right to complain about the life of luxury you afforded me. No one is quite correct.
I will tell you what I know, because it isn’t much but it’s certain. Firstly, I was not spending every day wallowing in misery. I feel terribly guilty about this, because there were times with you when you made me smile, when you almost made me happy. Sometimes truly I thought I was happy. There were worse days, even worse months, but I came to terms with my life after the first couple of years, perhaps like a bird who learns to accept its wings being clipped and stops trying to fly from its gilded cage. Secondly, the secret I was never able to tell you all these years, the only thing I ever could have said that would have cut you to the core:
I do not love you. I never loved you.
I know you loved me, in your own way. You have never shown such favor to anyone as you have to me, and I recognize that was your way of telling me that I meant something to you. The care you took of me, the ways you tried to make me smile, the pleasure you gave me despite my every intention of laying back and remaining passive—these were all your ways of showing your love. And I gave you all the affection you craved so desperately (despite having a beautiful wife more than willing to give it to you). I gave you the feeling of being loved, though all it ever left was a sick feeling in my stomach.
But I miss you. I do. It seems that despite everything, I still feel like I can’t quite live without you. Not in some dramatic, romantic sense, but rather in the sense of “what am I doing here?” I feel like a lost child. I haven’t felt this way since you first whisked me away and held me to your side in the Keep, where everything was golden and glittering and beautiful (as you said I was). I am hoping that as the days unfold, I will make more sense of my life and learn to find things for myself, things I do not need to share with another the way I had to share every facet of my life with you. I only fear that whatever it was that you pulled from my soul to make me so obedient, you took with it the ability to be alone. I am not broken, I am NOT—so why am I mourning the man who took me from my home and made me a whore?
I know what you would say: “You are not a whore, beautiful boy, you were never a whore. You are my lover, the light of my life,” and whatever other pretty words you liked to tack onto that sentiment. The thing is, my lord Zion, to be a lover you must love. I did not come to you; you did not rescue me. You bought me off a desperate woman whose mind had been twisted with hunger. And I never loved you.
This is the one thing you were never able to take from me. You have owned my body and twisted my mind, tailored my personality to your liking and bent my back to your desires, but you have never touched my heart. If this is the only victory I will ever hold in my life, it is enough. It is enough to content me and steel my resolve as I make a new place for myself here, assuming your son doesn’t throw me to the wolves.
Lastly, since I am being honest, I hope you rest peacefully. I wanted you gone, I admit that I did, but I never wanted you dead. Too many decent people cared about you for me to ever wish them such pain. But they will mourn you and the pain will eventually scab over, and perhaps they will meet you in their next lives. I know that I will not. Your soul will spend an eternity waiting to meet mine, which will never be touched by your hands again.
I will learn to live without you. And, perhaps, one day I also learn to live free again.