#realmethoughts

[chinkylisaa]

I’m finally home.

It feels weird.

Usually I would be out rn hanging out with you because we just missed each other oh so much. But maybe that was just me and me forcing this thing to work out. I can not stop thinking about it. I want to distract myself with Riverdale but I can’t even do that. I really wish we could go back to the way thing were, but I can’t force your feelings to change and you don’t want it so why even bother.

You don’t care. You don’t care. You don’t care. You honestly could careless about my life. Care about my well being. You don’t. And I need to remember that. Cause you are honestly living your best life without me.

Help. I’m honestly dying.

[chinkylisaa]

Anymore

I have been feeling empty, like something has been missing in my body, and I don’t know why. 

Maybe it’s the anxious deal that I have to go back and you’re gonna be there. There’s a chance that I’ll see you at work, but remember I’m suppose to look at this summer as a different outlet. Outlet full of adventures and fulfilling me. 

You finally unfollowed my sinsta. You’re gone. Out of my life. But yet guess who still watches my stories? You. And guess now started using Instagram as their story? You. An outlet to find new people huh? It’s pretty obvious you’re ready to look for someone new. Needing new attention so you use instagram making you life looking cool af. I hope you know you losing all elastics on that story. 

He’s moving on Alissa, he don’t want you in your life. He’s not coming back stop hoping and wishing something is gonna come out of it. And if he does come back we can’t. We really can’t. We can’t risk what has been done already twice. You already gave them their chance. You don’t need to get into this cycle of loving in the summer then coming back to school crying. You are already going crazy with your grades right now. This break up is crushing you and you don’t need someone’s fake love to drag you on like this. 

As much as you love and care for this person it’s not working out. Remember nobody gets with their first love. He was yours, but who knows what he thinks of you. But who cares? It shouldn’t matter anyway. You did his damage and we don’t need more. I hate the fact that I can’t hate you. You were my everything. My eyes are being damaged because of this bullshit. I got baggy ass bags. UGH. And of course you posting how great your life is, is just a show. A show that shouldn’t bother me but it does. 

When will this moment in time go away. I know I have priorities. The things I think are moving on. But here I am still missing you. And I even looked at your following again and of course I see women with great bodies and models that you probably jack off to. I remember I saw it on your instagram and you slide up real quick. I literally have no words. You would even get mad at me for “going” through your phone. Were you hiding something from the start? 

[chinkylisaa]

Why did I lose myself in you?

I was cleaning up my bag full of receipts that I took out of my wallet and I found $359 gone. Gone and onto your wrist that I hope you wear for a while. I wonder if it makes you think of me or not even until someone actually asks you about it but I doubt it. 

I remember I worked my ass off to save money that season. To make all your wishes comes true. I did spoil myself slightly. I spent $200 on myself then ended returning everything back. And the one thing I couldn’t return was your watch. It was done it was bought a material that cost so much to us when really money is an idea that we created with worth. 

Everyone keeps telling me to take it back but I can’t. I really can’t. It’s not that I don’t have the guts to ask you for it back but it doesn’t even feel right to take it back. What am I going to do? Put it on my wrist? It would feel too wrong for me to do that. Maybe I’m just too nice? But a gift is a gift. 

At that very moment in time, I worked my booty off to save money and made the fullest experience giving you that gift. It felt so good to see how happy and excited you were. And you didn’t even want to take it off. You take it with you every where and I remember you would show it off to me and you even told me yourself “I haven’t take it off ever since.” Isn’t it so sad how materials can mean so much to us or maybe that’s just me. 

That watch has a lot of meaning and I am pretty sure with your cautious ass you wouldn’t ruin it. It’s the one item I gave that I hope you never take away from yourself. I lost myself buying you it but even when I think of taking it back it hurts even more. Sometimes I do wonder what you’ve done with all the shit I gave you. But maybe it was a good thing I have majority of the stuff and you only have a few selective. 

Everything that I have of yours is kept in a box because I couldn’t look at it myself. Isn’t it crazy I kept all those shirts, cards, pictures, and everything yet you just have an apple watch, my picture globe, and the $50 you owe me. And I have that sweater you always wanted back. And even if I were to send it back I don’t even know if it was right to give it back. 

There’s so many questions and methods with no true answer so why not just be neutral and keep it where it is. 

[chinkylisaa]

I miss you

You told me “Happy birthday” on my birthday and I literally broke down. I didn’t know what you wanted from me when really that’s the message said. That’s all it said. Nothing more nothing less. I thought you deleted my number. My shit was long gone. I still miss you like always, have dreams about you like always, wishing it’ll work out but I know that’s not what you want. And if you’re having second thoughts when am I suppose to know this? “Mr.I don’t express myself like that” You already made it clear to me when I got my second closure that you didn’t want me in your life anymore. You didn’t want to continue what we had and you didn’t see me in your future. So now I am in the momentum of moving on and here you are messaging me happy birthday. Maybe I shouldn’t even assume all these, but that’s what I am feeling. 

My mind says I don’t want to lose you but I already did. Didn’t I? I don’t know why there’s still hearts next to your name on snap. I miss you. I’m just tryna finish school but here I am still wishing you were in my life. 

[chinkylisaa]

Happy Birthday to Me

Happy Birthday Bitch. You know who it is. You. 

My birthday is to be honest is a regular day and I know no matter how happy I am going to be to feel loved by everyone telling me happy birthday. I am still feeling dark and mellow today. I know I’m not the happiest spot, but I have to be it’s my birthday, special day to be alive, and grounded into this Earth. 

Everything I wanted to find ways to make my birthday special with you, I ended up doing it with other people. Filled the memories over to know that I don’t have to imagine you there. But I still miss and wished you were there. All the memories that I tried to cover up so I didn’t have to keep wishing I still wished. I wished you were there. But you could careless right?. I chuckle at myself all the time whenever I think about you having the same feelings as me when you never did. 

Happy birthday to me. 

[chinkylisaa]

The never ending tears

What am I doing? 

Why am I skipping class just to cry for you when you are probably worrying about something else? What am I doing with my life. Everything is just crumbling down so hard. I’ve been having health problems, my body has been reacting to everything that has been happening. I have been getting checked all the time and I don’t know what else to do but get myself checked. I’ve gotten myself checked like every week now. 

I have school shit to worry about not you. I’m literally just sitting here crying my eyes out. And it’s so irritating because I know I have other shit to worry about. I never stopped loving you and I don’t think I ever will. I keep looking back at our old stuff and seeing the messages and pictures hoping that happy moment will come alive again. 

This optimistic hope is killing me so much. Every time someone tells me to think of my happy place, of my happy person, someone to brings me light, it hurts. Cause that was you. I gave you my everything. And you’re my everything. But that’s not what you want so what am I left to do. I can never force someone to do something they don’t want to. You can’t change someone’s feelings yet how can you just have a change in your feelings just like that? And if you were questioning it then why didn’t you tell me ahead of time? 

“Texting the love my life.” “You are the love of my life” “No matter how much I get annoyed by your unconditional love.. I will always love and appreciate the happiness you bring into my life.”? “It’s already been our 2nd Christmas and I hope there more to come!” Were all those words just lies? Why did I really think this would last forever when nothing really last forever. 

I am a mess. I can’t focus in school. My body isn’t cooperating. I’ve been taking antibiotics and Tylenol.There’s been debate about taking adderall to help me focus. My whole body feels like its crumbling down into ashes. How am I suppose to go home? I don’t know how I am even alive right now. I just miss you so much. 

When you think you are gonna grow together but that’s not our reality. We grow our separate ways. And Brandon telling me you ran away from him? When I know you hate his ass and you know he would tell me. I don’t know what’s happening and I don’t even have the right to know because we live in our own separate lives now. 

I can’t help myself but only miss you.  

[chinkylisaa]

#RealMeThoughts

This is it. We are legit done.

It’s been so hard for me to accept that fact we can no longer be in each other’s lives. Today’s Mother’s Day and I told your mom “I know me and Cory broke up, but I just wanted you to know that i am very thankful and appreciate of you for everything you’ve done for me. Happy Mother’s Day!” But guess what? She will always be my Mama Peggy. Honestly, I wanted to text her please don’t tell Cory I texted you, but I couldn’t because it is what it is. 

I have never had someone who I knew I could trust to talk to about anything and who was willing to talk to me about her day. I’ve never had a mom relationship like that and today I was grateful to ever and experience that. I have never talked to someone who I was comfortable talking to about my confusions in life. Someone who would actually listen and treat as if my issues were legit. Nothing felt demeaned or judged. 

Yesterday, after partying there were men who I thought would be loyal af, but ended up moving actions to getting at me when they were in relationships. Men really aint shit. I was high off of edibles and an actual blunt. And my heart was heavy, every pain that I felt in my body was heavy. I didn’t know what to do but to accept the fact that it was heavy and over loading me. It made me mellow when i wanted to be happy. When will this movement in time pass? I keep watching the one episode where Cash breaks up with Zoey and how she copes with it. I keep watching that episode over and over again. But I literally can’t do anything about it but watch it and relate to it so hard. 

I miss you. I really do. Sometimes I wonder if the relationship became boring and routine based because I did it. I wonder everyday if it was all my fault it all crumbled down because I needed something in a relationship. I always wonder if I was asking too much? I keep having dreams about you, every night whether I want to or not. I wonder everyday how you’re doing and if you are wondering what I was doing too. And every time someone tells me everything that is happening to me health mentally, emotionally, physically, or spiritually and tell me it’s your fault that I have been this way. I really truly can’t blame it on you. I don’t know why but I really can’t. I can’t blame the bad things that happen in our relationship. I really can’t. 

You don’t have to know that I am crumbling or crushing down into pieces. I just hope you’re doing okay. Living your best life. Doing what makes you happy. I hope you actually really play baseball this summer. I wished that new tattoo you got brings you full of joy and momentum into building who you are as a person. I chuckle every single time Ashl likes one of my sad tweets. My heart drops. There’s literally nothing else for me to do. And as much as I talk about it, I can only say “There’s nothing else to do.”  

[chinkylisaa]

I did that.

I did that. 

Can you believe it? I finished a whole week of 4 test and a broken heart. And here I am finishing off a weekend when you were suppose to be here. Every single thought I have about you it always ends with “What else am I suppose to do? There’s really nothing else. I can’t change someone’s feelings. I can’t stop them from what they want.” So I just let it be. 

My birthday coming up soon and so is Mother’s Day. What am I suppose to tell your mom? Happy Mother’s Day or nothing at all? I felt like I never got to tell her a real good bye. Sad to say right? I still want to show my appreciation for her for being in my life but we aren’t together. So again, what am I suppose to do? 

Sometimes I wonder how am I alive right now.