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containment measures initiated

Every single part of him could be torn apart and put back together. It often was; the one exception to all that being his wings. The only times they even got the faintest pain was when he pushed his limits. Alone, loops in the space he existed in- using every bit of strength and then some. Until some part of him couldn't take it anymore. Till his form crumpled to the ground, trembling from the ordeal of it and he often couldn't help but just bide his time. Waiting for the shakiness to drift away so he could try harder. An mental record being kept of each and every instance. Of all the times spent messing with the not good enough weapons, or too powerful ones. Working on his ability to make all sorts of micro adjustments to his footing. It served no purpose aside something to do. When the space was empty. Just left to his own devices. And maybe his maker was aware of it or not. Yet never was he really instructed to knock it off; even when silver scars formed on his fingertips from making an mistake. Not taken away- marks left there maybe meant to be an reminder. Yet it just served to not make such an error again, an challenge. And it's no real surprise that freedom didn't change these habits, the behavior of it. Putting gravity into the mix; things like pebbles and hard ground. Space to actually be wounded by different means. New challenges, new limits to push to their breaking points. Hurtling through the sky at speeds he was built for. Controlled falling, accidental crash landings were only some of the results. Feeling his wings catch him as he was about to hit the ground. Or the way they'd move to slow him down so he only bloodied up his knees. Tumbling too hard into the ground and needing time to recover. Little twirls of his boot in dirt, kicking up dirt and at other times making as much an impact he could to make even an little noise. Even if it meant his whole body trembled all that much more from the impact. Did any of it count as showing off- if it was all for him, in the name of improving and learning for no real practical reason?

#long post cw #recklessness cw #heavy cw #<< dream you cannot escape >> drabbles #(that last drabble presented an thought so-)#(nix's theme of pushing his limits being an result of his time in heaven is so interesting)#(from the isolation+treatment from his maker)#(and when he's free? when creation is abandoned- that fact he still clings to isolation & all that is there alongside the rest of it all)#(im having thoughts about the way nix is constantly flirting with/testing gravity and his limits)#(which also he wears super heavy boots not just in the hopes of less stealth but to anchor himself in an way)#(tether himself to the ground beneath him)#(its tragic but it's also pretty fascinating)#(like it's for him especially when he gets to earth & yet its also got an edge of perfectionism/proving himself to it)#(him just enjoying it & finding it oddly relaxing etc aside)

"You're no fun." Fully aware he was being intense and troublesome. But it was one of those cases where he could not control it in the slightest. Collapsing across their lap with little regard of if would lead to get shoved to the floor. Didn't think about why that assumption hit his frontward thoughts. "It's hardly even an hazard to my well being."

#recklessness cw #<< anybody got a light >> open starters #(nix being moody and fixated on stupid ideas is not what i expected as am brain rot but... he is prone to many moments like this one)

It practically radiated off him; the moodiness that paired with the high energy present in his body language. Another drink from glass bottle in hand. He wasn't even tipsy, it was just happenstance timing. Grin at them, "Do you want to help me set up an scavenger hunt?" The best answer would be no, to redirect his attention or something of those natures. Yet he didn't even consider that an option in his thoughts due to his current mindset. Or all the reasons he really shouldn't do what he was thinking of. Bouncing from the heels of his boots to the tips of the toe in one swift fluid motion as waited for them to respond.

#drinking cw #recklessness cw #<< anybody got a light >> open starters #<< shine it over here >> wishlist

His brain fixated on probably the stupidest thought process; that flooded various paths of the subway map that was his mind. Swept up in high emotions about his past. But he was probably an unforeseen, overlooked exception and the hell he wanted to raise about it. Was more theft- his knife was nice sure but it really wasn't much an fuck you. So, he gave it his first shot and hit the ground for the first time. Over and over. Making sure to not hurt his wings or mess up his ability to fly. Anything else was well rather unimportant as it would heal eventually. Hitting the ground harder than any of the other times- trembling as tried to push against the ground. Dizzy vision staring at the person above what was kind of an crater forming slowly with every little crash landing. Coughing an little blood up. "If you could kindly just fuck off."

#self destructive cw #recklessness cw #injury cw #<< anybody got a light >> open starters #<< shine it over here >> wishlist #(nix -cant even be bothered worry about if they've been watching the countless free falls etc-)#(exhausted and beyond beat up just trying to stubbornly try again)#(no common sense only poor handling of his emotions)

knife fidgeting habit thoughts

-it's an habit, he doesn't think much about but can have underlying purposes (soothe, outlet for excess energy, keep an foul mood/violent urges in check)

-not hard for him to figure out new patterns, micro adjustments and have full control of the blade but he's definitely got times where he clumsy keeps failing at something+keeps on attempting until he gets too fed up or manages the trick flawlessly

-usually not like the typical grace/movements or tricks most think of for messing around with an knife (depending he'll do the most elaborate trick shots as if it was the easiest thing, without thinking and then go ??? when somebody is like 'woah')

-most often it's with pinprick, with no regards of 'oh yeah this celestial weapon can actually do some damage' given his healing+ his past just doesn't really cross his mind/he doesn't even really fumble it that badly (his margins for when he does is pretty ever changing)

-less likely to use pinprick for things like tossing into the ceiling, wall or whatever and more just tossing+catching that being said if he's messing with it and the impulse hits he will/if he wants

-at times just stabs it with way too much force into things (if he gets really angry for example) and has certainly cracked up whatever got stabbed if it was an wall or furniture

-though more often if he feels stabby, he'll just stab into cardboard repeatedly

-can actually be an bit lacking on the knife care with pinprick, given how durable the celestial blade is (which is interesting given how much values/is careful with it) and 100% has used as an prybar, on metal,etc that being said finds cleaning/sharpening blades etc very much an enjoyable task

-would very much go about cleaning/care of others blades if he cared about them but just in general (if he notices dull kitchen knives/crappy ones he's going to do something about it like he might either take care of them or vanish and replace them with far better quality+things to take of them)

#recklessness cw #trauma cw #long post cw #<< falling apart at the seams i cant deny >> headcanons #(as usual an incomplete list and my thoughts went every which direction but !!! i have many thoughts and its okay)

reminded myself nix 100% would smart mouth like 'oh hey if you're going to stab me in the right leg you might as well stab the left to make it even' sure wasn't intended to be the disaster he is but now he's just so precious but so stupid in nature+behavior

#recklessness cw #<< falling apart at the seams i cant deny >> headcanons #(not even talking muse development- im talking like his whole purpose was to be fairly not what he ended up becoming)#(which definitely is majorly formed from all the isolation etc but an fair amount just was like inherently part of him in spite of it all)#(ive mentioned his dumb tendencies can be this way but yeah no something very specific about this case of it)#('okay but if you're going to continue can i offer pointers' not even always sarcastically)

when it goes from 1 painful idea into another rip

Pain was nothing new; had felt flavors of it that couldn't even be put into words. Yet the way it felt on Earth did feel different. Likely given it being more direct. Say if your lip is splitting open that's from the fist that slammed into your face. As opposed it just tearing itself open without the impact. Which made him curious but also horrified what it could mean. Overall the most unique moment had been the whole slamming into the ground. Scraped places and so forth. Given it had added emotional suffering to amplify it and it had been so miserable. Any other collide into the earth just wasn't the same. Every little stumble or free fall was an unique experience. Part of why found himself hurtling through the air so often. Testing his limits. The limitations of gravity and seeking control he hadn't had the first time felt the impact of hitting the ground. What surprisingly stung the most was the loneliness. He'd never say he really had anybody. His maker's presence had not exactly been one of conversation or remotely often even around. Yet it stung in his psyche just an little bit. As relieving the absence was and far too late in his personal opinion. Yet seeing heaven empty, falling towards the ground and Earth so suddenly did have its marks on his mind. How did he even go about life? Pocket of isolation, his own making as he couldn't dare bring himself to go find out. The state of the world. Socialize. Wanted so badly but also no clue how to go about it. Besides what he wanted most was to seek at least one sibling out. Yet very much unsure how could handle it. If they would rightfully be upset or any other emotion about the absence. Just how would he be any good facing those emotions? Or remotely go about introducing himself without tearing wounds open by accident. Even it all aside- he just wouldn't know the first thing to say or do.

#abuse cw #recklessness cw #long post cw #abandonment issues cw #<< dream you cannot escape >> drabbles #(this was kind of more his isolates away d.ominion verses thoughts but like this is the case verse wide)#(nix being like :( i really want to care about others and be cared about but also that's fucking scary territory)

"I'd like to claim intellect- but I just taught myself to flip my knife with my bare foot." It wouldn't take much guess to figure out why that might have been an terrible idea. Very easy to guess many reasons it was an awful choice. "Might be an bit dizzy from the blood loss and wounds... Very much an zero thought process situation."

#recklessness cw #<< anybody got a light >> open starters #(nix 'hmm if i rest it on the arch of my foot and-')#(-pays for the stupid idea but learns new terrifying knife tricks-)#(ah yes unhinged hackey sack mode has been unveiled... oh no)