#trauma cw

[diphowell]

I'm so proud of them for being able and open to talking about the things they didn't feel safe doing for so long. And I hope that, for anything they want to, they now feel like they can continue to explore these things. And if they don't I hope they know that is okay too. They deserve the world.

[deathdetermineslife]

having an f/o with similar trauma while also being in different stages of healing is nice because you get to help them through the parts you've already been through . or vice versa.

[queerquaintrelle]

Elektra: You hide from yourself. You don’t let anyone in.

Matt: You. I let you in.

@mcuchallenge - better (as in to gain the confidence/will to self-improve simply by being in another person's presence).

[blackcur-rants]

I think a key thing people need to understand about “The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn” as a novel is that it is, in many ways, a story about trauma and abuse. 

The essential plot of the story that Twain tells in this novel is that Huck and Jim are both fleeing from a truly terrible system of oppression and abuse. Jim is fleeing from White Supremacy and Slavery and Huck is, to a certain extent, fleeing from the Patriarchy. They are both victimised and failed not just by their individual abusers (The Widow for Jim and Pap for Huck), but also by the larger social system around them (that last point is especially present at the beginning of the novel when Huck’s life is ruined when Judge Thatcher sends him back to live with his father despite the fact that Huck already had a decent living situation with the Widow Douglas and should be immune to poverty ever again because of what he was doing to help Tom Sawyer in that book). And so neither of them have a place in a society that is cruel and exploits them, hence why they make such natural allies when the time comes for them to flee down the River together towards Cairo. 

And this is especially evident in how, yeah, a big part of Huck’s journey throughout this story is about learning to overcome the learned helplessness he has internalised for pretty much his entire life. The kind of worldview where you try to rebel and fight back against the abuse you suffer every day, but you still ultimately default to obedience just as a way to survive. And Twain, of course, draws a subtle but clear link between the mundane domestic abuse enacted by people such as Pap Finn and the vast, nationwide form of domestic abuse that was chattel slavery. 

And of course, this is very possibly a big reason why Tom Sawyer can’t quite get his head around helping Jim. To him (a boy raised in a very soft, privileged, and loving household), abuse is just another form of distant fictional villainy no different than dastardly knights and wicked robbers holding princesses and adventurers captive. He has never had to confront the systemic violence of his society either on a personal level or in having to see and empathise with someone who is one of its victims. He filters everything through the lens of his classic adventure stories because he has almost no other lens through which to comprehend the world. 

And I am sorry to all the Sawyerberry shippers out there (of whom I am one myself, in whole and complete honesty), but there is a reason why Huck decides to go out West with Jim at the story’s ending rather than staying in Saint Petersburg at the end of the story. For he has in fact realised the fundamental truth that he does not wholly belong in the corrupt and twisted society through which he and Jim have just travelled, and he knows that he must go out West to seek his own destiny relatively free from the constraints of the society in which he has grown up. And in all honesty, it is very likely that the very careless and rather selfish manner in which Tom attempted to construct the rescue of Jim from the Phelps farm is a big reason for this. Though he will probably never fully hate Tom in even the slightest degree and their love for each other will always burn eternal, Huck realises that both of them (Tom especially, in all honesty) need to do a lot of growing up before they can truly become the people whom they were meant to be. Especially since a lot of their love for each other at this young stage of their lives is based on them idolising the other in an unhealthy way (with Tom longing for what he sees as Huck’s freedom and wild-spiritedness and Huck longing for the warmth and happiness and stability that Tom enjoys in his own life) rather than truly and fully understanding each other as whole and complete human beings. 

@crusty-the-snowman @disregardcanon @dachi-chan25

[wildbasil]

Guess who had the best ever key lime pie today (it was me)

Also, guess who got diagnosed with complex PTSD today (it was me)

[whitakersantos]

moodboard: trinity santos

[mavis-la-tarte-aux-pommes]

Got scared I would lose one account earlier so I did vent art but the situation is resolved now, don’t worry

Instead, you guys should worry about Litchiko

[stinkart]

I've been trying to figure out how to talk about this for awhile now.

A few weeks ago, I was officially diagnosed with autism. At the age of 33. And I've sort of been having a crisis about it. I've been looking back on my life in a whole new perspective and it's just.... frustrating and upsetting.

I was autistic the entire time, and I just didn't know it. My mannerisms, that I didn't even know were weird, are likely the reason so many classmates and even adults were mean to me all the time. I've gone my entire life just thinking I was some kind of alien weirdo because people are inclined to be mean to me or give me disapproving looks every time I just exist in public. I still don't know exactly *what* I am doing that's so annoying, though; for years I had chalked it up to being atrociously ugly, because one time a classmate told me that was why he was mean to me. But it turns out, being universally hated is a very common autistic experience.

I have always been aware of the fact that I used to be extremely energetic as a child, but as time went on my energy got drained from me and never came back. I also used to be able to emote, but now I come off as expressionless and rude to coworkers and other people, which is causing conflict in my daily life-- and I'm scared of confrontation!

One time my dad told me that the doctors gave me vaccines that made me hyperactive and hard to deal with when I was little. And he was glad I didn't act that way anymore. My dad would always make fun of me and laugh with my brothers about how I cried and had big emotions because I was a girl. And I would be outright punished if I expressed anger. I felt so cringe and stupid about my emotions that I started to hide them. And now I don't know how to show them anymore.

I used to have enough energy to come home from school and work on projects (Sonic Comix and other YouTube things) until dinnertime, uninterrupted for hours, after a hard day of school, every single day. I used to be really passionate about what I made, and I used to be so excited to share it with people. Now, ever since I contracted "depression," I can't work on anything for longer than like, an hour at a time, and it's always forced. It's a chore now. I'm so tired. Turns out it's autistic burnout from trying to act a certain way and play a "normal" character all the time. For decades. I've now hit the burnout point and I don't know how to get out of it. I still have to go out in public for work and play pretend all day, which keeps me exhausted. I still can't let my emotions out, and it's tiring to hold them in.

I wish i could back and undo all this damage that was done to me that has permanently ruined me as a person.

It's like as if someone put a "kick me" sign on me as soon as I was born, and everyone knew it was there, but instead of helping me, they all kicked me. All of them. And I didn't find out until I was 33 and a professional told me "Hey, you've had this 'kick me' sign on your back the entire time! That'll be $800." Cool, so now what do I do about all these injuries and shoeprints that are all over me?

There have been some upsides to the diagnosis, like actually understanding what the fuck is going on with me. I just needed to vent about the negative stuff, because I can't really talk about it to anyone. Even my friends don't really seem to understand the gravity of it all. I'm not even sure I can properly articulate it to them.