#recovery notes

[elizabethalexis]

I am stronger, braver, wiser, and more resilient than I ever give myself credit for and I need to change that. I feel self-conscious saying it but I need to learn how to celebrate myself.

[retracing-my-steps]

Men who act agreeable all the time are literally dangerous

Men who aren't authentic and act perfect and constantly agreeable are extremely dangerous

I guarantee you they're an abuser. I've seen it over and over and made the mistake once and now I spot it. It happened to someone I know too.

The more charming he is the more likely he'll test your boundaries the longer you're together and he'll use you for all you're worth.

Don't trust men. They are raised to think playing an act and riding the line of consent is normal and ok.

[elizabethalexis]

I am genuinely so proud of myself. I've been working so hard over the last several months to reshape myself and my life, and even though I'm still very early in the process, I already feel really good about it all. I'm making positive, productive choices for myself and staying focused on the work and the road ahead of me. things have been so hard for so long that I had honestly started to believe that it would never get better, but I am tremendously proud to know that I've proved myself otherwise. that is such a major accomplishment, and I am truly happy about it.

[crystalcloudyeye]

Recovery note to self #43

If you wait too long to eat, you will experience some or all of the following:

💥nausea

✔hopelessness

⚠️crankiness

🤡fuzzy brain

🔪dizziness

☢fatigue

And much, much more!

[retracing-my-steps]

2011, age 21. 

My social anxiety disorder was so, so, so bad. I’m constantly miserable when other humans are around. You can just see it in my face. (Pre-piercings and pre-glasses too..!) 

[retracing-my-steps]

I was diagnosed as autistic right before these became popular So I was telling my family about looking for stimming toys. Because a lot of autistic people stim so I figured maybe it would be helpful for the anxious energy.

So my dad had got me a fidget cube (which I was excited about because I had seen the Kickstarter and totally was tempted), and then eventually a fidget spinner. I was like ‘well this is kind of weird but it should be a good addition to my new arsenal of stim junk’

So it kind of cracks me up how it just suddenly became huuuuge. And how bothered people are lol

I just feel like— mwahahahaha My mentally ill ass is ruining your liiiife~ Spinnahhhhs!

I don’t even really get it, but I can see why kids like it. For me I need something more constantly interactive.

But I was cracking up because my boyfriend has one now. He tried mine and he’s been jones'ing for some of that fidgeting. 😆 awesome

[elizabethalexis]

I’m getting to a place where I can recognize negative moods or a sense of longing for some unknown something or someone as my brain either being deficient in dopamine because of withdrawal (processed sugar has been the clearest example of this) or imbalance in my system (days I work out v. days when I don’t). still not entirely sure what to do about the cravings - sometimes they’re manageable and just a background annoyance, other times they’re really volatile - but it’s cool to see my mindfulness practice pay off in this area of self-discovery and understanding.

[elizabethalexis]

I keep having anxiety attacks - late at night, first thing upon waking, any time in between. I don’t entirely understand where they’re coming from. they start as a feeling in my chest and the sensation spreads down my arms and up my neck and down my stomach as the anxiety worsens. true, there are things in my life to be anxious or afraid about: I’m unemployed, dangerously short on friends, about to start injections for my AS, school is starting again soon and I’m dreading it, and behind it all there’s the possibility or threat of jonathan. I experience such intense emotions when I think about him: joy, despair, anger, heartbreak, ease, peace, fear, the whole gamut. I almost want him to never come back again because this tumult in my life is so fucking hard to manage, and the emotional wave that hits me when I think of him or when he leaves leaves me drowning. almost. but not entirely. for now I’m just trying to heal - to lean deeply into self-care, more deeply than I’ve leaned in ages. I’ve cut processed sugar out entirely, have been moving my body almost every day, have been generous and kind with myself and with others (I got the interior of my car detailed today which I’ve been wanting to do for years and it looks so fucking good I almost cried). I’m keeping a gratitude journal, meditating, working on raising my consciousness level and to move with curiosity instead of judgement, with openness instead of being closed and protective. something deep in me is shifting, and I feel it intensely today, tonight, while mama luna is peaking full. it all makes sense that I should be feeling so anxious, I’m being tossed in the currents again - but this time I’m keeping my head afloat. I can do whatever needs doing. I can show up for myself and care for myself better than anyone else on earth. if my life feels empty, I can fill it. I’m enough. I’m done trying to make myself small in order to please other people. I am myself. I just hope this solidity stays for a while, I’ve had enough chaos this summer to last a lifetime.