I was friends with a : homophobic, transphobic , super religious, immature and later I found even incredibly misogynistic straight 24 year old guy for almost an year -> February 29 , 2024 - 29 January, 2025 and these are the lessons and red flags I've learnt to identify in guy because I was talking with him for so long
( Note : I was friends with him due to our trauma bonding as we were both in situationships and usually when I get attached to someone because they were hurt in a way similar to mine it's hard to let them go + knowing how people like him think about things helped me to be less "delusional" and have these ideas about guys in general that I found out they were actually very idealistic )
They always complain even when you have a problem. The moment they decided they listened to you enough they'll go back to complaining, it doesn't matter if you feel better or not after you talked with them if they think their problem is more important.
Once they're attracted to a girl or think she's attracted to them they'll interpret everything in their favour. Once he told me a girl hugged him in a way that wasn't friendly. And I had to hold back from literally screaming "it wasn't a friendly hug based on your opinion and your standards for hugs. " This helped me the most because I finally realised why the hell so many guys I was just being friendly with thought I'm into them. Any nice gesture towards them can feed their ego if they have this stupid mentality the guy I was friends with has and unfortunately a lot of them have. (Thankfully I still have amazing male friends and maybe I'll talk about what I've learnt from them in another post)
They'll treat with their respect and attention only girls they're actually interested in. I was treated more like the therapist than a friend or a girl he could give some special attention to because I told him ever since March 2024 , 5 reasons we can't be together and thankfully he didn't insist on that and we only complimented each other now and then. So of course he sent me the "I'm an avoidant (it's an attachment style) " excuse or "I'm so busy" excuse when he would leave me on seen or not text me for days but then he'd be sending me extremely long screenshots with conversations he had with other girls and asked me if he did the right thing only to ignore my advice if he already thought he did the right thing.
They believe even just texting is giving a girl attention, because their time is so precious in their hard life and going out for burger 🍔 , getting a glass of juice or going somewhere in their car should be considered a date. (picnic or coffee date who? Effort who? We don't know what that is. Note : of course it's alright to go for a burger or some juice on a date but I'm talking about the effort and investment because almost each time he told me how he took the girl (who couldn't be with for some reason) on a date like this he'd later complain about the money yep even for just a juice/burger)
Once they'll find a girl " is out of their league" they'll still stalk their social media but complain without pursuing further or even attempt to reach the level they think that girl has. I saw so many screenshots from different girls he liked. With the girls he found more attractive he'd be sending me full pictures from their account and with girls he found less attractive he sent me just a screenshot with their account.
He can praise you for listening to him or being there for him but doesn't mean he truly appreciates you. He's been telling me now and then how I'm different, how I'm a lady but still repeatedly hurt me.
Once they hurt you and they'll realise how easily you forgive them then they'll always find a poor excuse about their past or their current "bad" situation after they'll send an apology text. And they'll always go through some crisis when he hurts you and you should always be patient instead of being angry in their opinion because if you're patient then they're "helped" aka they're not held accountable and they can hurt you again.
If at first he even sent vocals in which he apologised to me and explained how he realised he's wrong , in the past few times he hurt me he only sent texts telling me "stop being like that please" , " you know I have a good heart" , "girl I don't understand what I've did wrong"
Your little interests don't matter and you'll be mocked for them and then they'll laugh and tell you to stop being upset. I once showed him (because he asked me why I'm in such a good mood or something like this) that I brought a pocket mirror with the same pattern as some mini wallet in which I carry my handcream and a lip balm and they could all fit in that mini wallet, he mocked my small height (something along the lines that I could also fit in that mini wallet) and why do I need such things to match because he doesn't find it important.
They'd be listening to your opinions on a subject only if they align to their opinion and drain you of all your energy for hours to no end through texts , vocals , calls anything to prove their opinion on literally anything ( sexuality, religious beliefs and so on) so it's best to literally just approve them and close the phone because then they'll get the ego boost they wanted and won't bring the subject back in most of the cases lol
Your outfits/makeup/nails/hair will be "too much", you pay for them "too much" and you should be more modest or "more natural" only because they can't have you. I rarely sent him any pictures of myself he could see generally only what I'm (rarely)posting on my Instagram or put at my WhatsApp profile picture. However he either commented that the picture is "too cool" and he should put a "cooler" profile pic or he'd be making comments about modesty and once in a while a sweet compliment. However no matter how short or bold the makeup of the girl "out of his league' was he'd be talking about how beautiful she is.
Their ex are always the one who treat them bad and they "grew up so much" and became "so much more mature" since then but if they idealised that ex then they always wonder why that ex can't see that and take them back we had countless conversations on this theme and when his "favourite" ex finally blocked him even after I explained to him that you can block a person for different reasons including that you don't want them in their life anymore like not even just to think about them (like I've done with my ex situationship) and he told me how he lost trusts in women , he doesn't believe women can love a man (hello misogyny and bitterness mhm very avoidant and very good heart (sarcasm) )
Hope these lessons help and you won't be trapped in a relationship or a friendship with a guy like this
ALSO VERY IMPORTANT : MOST OF THESE RED FLAGS SHOWED UP AFTER MONTHS , DON'T FALL IN LOVE TOO FAST SWEETIE BECAUSE YOU'RE JUST PROJECTING YOUR IDEALISED VERSION OF A GUY ON THE GUY YOU LIKE ! PLEASE TAKE CARE OF YOUR MENTAL HEALTH, BODY AND HEART EVEN IF YOU FEEL LONELY AF LIKE ME!!!!!!
