I found myself counseling a dear friend last night. It's a tough time. The friend is in a relationship with a few troubling red flags, but doesn't see them - the heart (and flesh, unfortunately) are willing in ways that cloud judgement. To add more confusion, the parents of said friend are quite upset - they see the red flags, and they try to force their conviction that this relationship isn't healthy.
The relationship isn't healthy. And it's possible that Bad Things Will Happen, and for a parent, any parent, that's hard. Folks say that being a parent is like having your heart walk around outside your body.
Important things I clarified both to my friend and to myself:
1) Parents are driven by forces beyond my understanding that I acknowledge, and honor. Even when my own parents express doubts, fears, or disapproval, I weigh it for myself, and I can only vaguely understand that it's coming from a most intense place of love. It's something every young adult has to recognize at some time in order to move into a healthy adult relationship with his or her parents.
2) We must always pin down the root of what's going on. The parents in this situation are giving outdated advice using fear and condescending tactics. Unfortunately, this has the effect not of showing my friend the unhealthiness of the relationship, but attacks the friend's ability to choose good mates. I don't honestly believe this friend DOES have the ability to choose good mates, but when shame is laid on someone in that fashion, it has the effect of making them curl up, close off, not want to share any more than they have. Which doesn't help us get to the root of the problem. It is perhaps easier for me to see, too, than the parents, that this relationship surely isn't healthy, but it also poses no immediate harm, or at least, no harm worse than has already been done just by the virtue of its existence.
3) So we come to the problem. Because, let's face it, if we force this friend from the relationship, there is still the issue that a bleeding heart and longing for sexual satisfaction will continue to draw my friend into bad relationships. My friend needs counseling and mentoring, not shame.
4) I managed to acknowledge that there are some actual red flags, and I pointed them out in a way that brings no shame (everyone can make mistakes choosing someone as a mate, things aren't always readily visible before you begin dating). I also pointed out some of the decisions this friend has made, and growth that's come from it, but also encouraged my friend to try to find someone to talk to regularly about relationships. I encouraged my friend also that critical thinking is a necessary skill to have when dating someone who could potentially become your mate for life.
5) Part of getting to the root of this issue is turning down the "noise" at the level of my friend's relationship with the parents. Everyone will need to listen a little more and try to understand that neither side has got it completely right. If the parents won't do that, my friend will just have to deal with it, for now. But I advised the friend to reassure the parents of her own commitment to the relationship between the friend and the parents - much fear comes from simple and unspoken unknowns. Given some of the debacles in the past, I'm sure they wonder if my friend is going to run away, or do something incredibly rash. Luckily, my friend told me there's no such plan for any of that. I encouraged my friend to say as much to the parents, that it would almost definitely help.
