#reddwarfrp

[autorimmerphilia]

... Aha...hahaha...ahahahaha!! Oh Rimmer you look smegging ridiculous! Just wait until everyone sees you! (Pulls out a JMC ship issue camera and snaps a couple of pictures) Lister, Cat and Kryten will find this hilarious, I bet they'll never let you forget it!

*splutters* Ugh! Oh, my God, that stuff’s rancid! *coughs* You got it right up my nose, you little - Hey, wait, what are you doing with that -? No, no, don’t…!

Oh, no… don’t do this to me, please… I don’t want the others to see me with your mutated smegging gazpacho all over my face! I’d never live it down… they’d laugh me out of the habitation decks… Please, I’m begging you, don’t humiliate me like this! I’ll do anything…

[autorimmerphilia]

Oh no way, I'm not bluffing! And correction: cold MUTATED tomato soup. 3 million years old too, it might give you two noses, or an extra tongue! And let's be honest, you're not that great of a technician, are you Rimmer? Lister could do a better job than you could! Wha- hey! Get off! I warned you Rimsy! I wasn't bluffing, prepare to get soaked!

You little git, how dare you cast aspersions on my prowess as a technician! I hardly think you’re in any position to talk up Lister’s decidedly ham-fisted technique, come to that! It’s not as if he’s been unclogging nozzles for you behind my… back…

Oh. Oh, smeg. I’m in for it now…

Oh, hell, you really are going to do it, aren’t you? Unless I can get the damn thing off you before you manage it… *grunts* Let go, you bastard! Oh, smeg, and now I’m at close range… *struggles* Don’t you dare pull that trigger, don’t you smegging - mmmmph!

[autorimmerphilia]

Ohohoho I'll pay for it? I think... not! (Pulls out a super soaker) This is full of watered down mutated cold tomato soup from the dispensers. I can tell you- it is disgusting! Come anywhere near me with your space whatsit regulations, and it goes all in your face you little smegger!

Agh! N-no, you’re bluffing… you’ve got to be bluffing…

Wait, you’re claiming you managed to get soup out of the dispensers? I’m the one who’s responsible for keeping those things serviced - there’s no way any of them still work! - Um - after three million years of inactivity, I mean… obviously…

Yep, you’re bluffing. And bluffing with a cruel smegging joke at that… “cold tomato soup” indeed! The game’s up, squire, so you can stop brandishing that silly plastic nonsense; I’m officially confiscating it. Come on, give it to me…

[autorimmerphilia]

Ohhh, Rimsy! Think fast! (Pours a bucket of icy cold water from Rimmer's top bunk)

What? What the - aaaaargh!

*gasps* Oh…! Oh, you… *splutters*… ugh, you absolute… *shudders*… you absolute smegging bastard!

Do you have the slightest idea how utterly unpleasant that was?! I’m completely soaked… and I’m f-freezing cold… and - and you’re laughing at me, you sadistic little horror! Come down from that bunk this instant, you goit - you’ll pay for this, I swear you’ll pay for this!

[autorimmerphilia]

Oh yeah, I hear the ghosts wander the corridors looking for the one person who caused their death. Lister said that when they catch them, they'll do horrible, horrible things to you, too horrible for you to hear Rimsy. Oooh, Lister really does give the most vivid descriptions. Luckily, you don't believe that do you, a seasoned hiker such as yourself? Not a problem for fearless Arnold J Rimmer! So you'll have no problem coming on a little expedition with me!

W-well… clearly that’s why he’s never agreed to come on any of my hikes, then! He’s feeling guilty, and he’s letting his imagination run away with him! Everyone knows the accident was his fault, for not being there to help me. Or even if they don’t, they should have the good manners to check before subjecting people to… what h-horrible things, exactly…?

- No - no, this is silly - there’s no such thing as ghosts! Of course I’ll come with you to the diesel decks - there is absolutely nothing to be… s-scared of…

[autorimmerphilia]

Hey, Rimmer. I heard that in the Diesel Decks, no-one can hear you scream. Wanna help me test it? I hear it's kinda creepy down there, but you've hiked though it, right? You wouldn't be scared would you? Lister told me the ghosts of the crew haunt the empty corridors!

Creepy? The diesel decks? What, because they’re so vast, and dark, and labyrinthine? I’d never thought of them as creepy… but then, I did have the skutters there to protect - to help me…

Of - of course I wouldn’t be scared! Don’t go listening to Lister’s nonsense - there’s nothing down there except fascinating examples of mechanical engineering. You won’t have any cause to scream, exploring them in the company of a seasoned hiker such as myself!

Ghosts, indeed! What a… preposterous idea…

[autorimmerphilia]

I'm assuming the secrecy regarding the contents of your closet just might have something to do with an..ahem, ladyfriend of yours - Rachel, was it? But I suppose we can't meet her 'til you track down a bicycle pump, eh? ;)

How the smeg do you lot know all of this?! Lister told you, didn’t he? I bet it was him, the bastard. Oh, he is going to pay for this…

…except I still don’t dare show my face near him after… after the last time he saw it. Smegging hell. Why couldn’t that anon have given me something to blackmail him with? Then I wouldn’t have to put up with him constantly humiliating me…

But I’ll have you know, squire, bicycle pump or no smegging bicycle pump, I would never introduce Rachel to you bunch of filthy degenerates.

[autorimmerphilia]

Oh but, Rimmer, baby, we only do it because you're so good at being humiliated. And you make it so easy. Speaking of easy, I enjoyed your little story about how you ended up taking a faceful of, well, let's leave it there. By the by, tell me, after your failed lesson on nozzle cleaning, how many of the crew saw you covered in soup before you got back to your quarters. Quite a few, I'd imagine.

…Have you quite finished making me squirm? That was hideous.

It’s not often I’m told I’m good at something. That just makes it worse, really. Although I don’t quite understand how one can be “good at” something that just happens to one… on an all-too-regular basis… especially when that slobby goit is involved…

And I really don’t see how I “make it easy”. After all, I always do my utmost to conduct myself with dignity and professionalism! How is that “making it easy”?

Any lapses, infrequent as they are, can usually be blamed on certain other members of the crew. By which I mean, I am not “easy”, you smart-alecky git. And I certainly didn’t tell that mortifying tale for your sadistic enjoyment.

Oh, and thank you so much for reminding me of that painfully public aspect of the… dispensing machine affair. How many of the crew saw me in that wretched state? More than enough, believe me. God, that felt like a long walk.