Lately, I've been distancing myself, not sure if it's intentional or 'cause I just need space, it's almost like I'm watching the world pass me by, instead being part of it and experiencing the ride. I haven't distanced myself drastically, but the distance is still there. I've become a zombie; school, work, homework, sleep, repeat. It's all I do. I interact with people at school as little as possible if I can avoid them, besides a select few (Aerie, Marina, Lexy?). I find myself constantly lost in thoughts of what ifs and questioning decisions and choices. I can't even really explain it. I mean, maybe it's the change in the weather or maybe, I just really don't like people as much anymore. Marina and I completely stopped sitting with everyone at lunch, 'cause I honestly can't handle it. Our group is too big, I love them all to death, but there's just so much going on, it's hard to focus when I'm with them. I constantly find myself analyzing situations I never have before, in depth. Like, Kate. A girl I met in middle school. We're from two completely different worlds, yet... we were constantly together all through out middle school and through to the end of the summer between freshman and sophomore year. Yet, when sophomore year actually started, we never talked or anything besides... "Hi" here and there and we said "Happy birthday" 'cause we coincidentally passed each other in the hall. And then there's this year, we even have two classes together, back to back even sit next to each other in both of them, and we never talk. We used to have phone calls that lasted hours, playing silly games of would you rather, and talking about these crazy dreams that would never come true, but were great to think about. I practically lived over at her house, and whenever we were together, our sense of adventure would take over and we'd always find ourselves in some kind of excitement. Played games of life for ever, stayed 'til it was dark, had movie days, watched dances, sang, and played our instruments. And now it's gone. 4 years of friendship just to become another face we pass in the hall. We haven't talked in over a year, and it's really sad, I've tried to but it just doesn't work we're different people now. I've become a person who I like. I love the person I am now, compared to the person I've been at points in my life, but I just really don't exactly know who this person is. I haven't had the chance to explore it, due to my responsibilities of work, love, and school. My friends mean so much to me, but I think maybe. I'm distancing myself from everyone to find out more about who I really am. Yes, I'm the bright spirited girl who loves watching kid movies and getting lost in the beauty of nature and world around her, but there's more to me than that. Something deeper under the smile. There's the pain, the guilt, the confusion, the vulnerability, the weakness, the wants and needs of a human that need to be fulfilled. There's the girl I need to uncover and find out her true-self before being around anyone else.
