She hates the sound of the beeping, but she needs it all the same. Yes, he’s breathing. Yes, he’s still alive. Keep fighting, Baby. There’s so much more she has to tell him, so much more he has to experience himself. Three sons, growing and growing, just like he did once.
Being here is strangely familiar–a feeling of sadness and responsibility and helplessness all at once. But if she thinks about it, if she watches him for long enough, she’ll remember how he looked when he was an infant. When he needed her. When she didn’t think she would ever be enough.
I remember tears streaming down your face when I said I’ll never let you go When all those shadows almost killed your light But all that’s dead and gone and passed tonight
There were many nights she could recall, but one in particular that felt the most real. It was a night where it was only her and Dirk. The internet told her it was normal to worry as a new mother. It was supposedly normal to have passing thoughts of concern.
But these were never passing thoughts. These were vivid fears, coming to life in her mind so strongly that it almost felt like reality. At the same time, it was her reality. Sometimes, it was incredibly difficult to tell the difference.
She would look at him and think of everything that could go possibly wrong should she reach down to pick him up. There were times when he would cry, and she would hate herself for every damn second she wanted to stay where she was instead of tending to him. Even her own mother was ever-present with Penny–but did she remain that way? Did it matter?
That night, she felt horrible. Useless. Dirk had been put to bed, and she was alone with her thoughts. Dirk didn’t need her. Derek was so much better with him. She couldn’t be a mom, not to Dirk, not to anyone. Maybe she fooled herself into thinking she might actually be able to do this.
As soon as she started crying, he did the same from the other room. There was no way he could have heard her, no way he could have known. That was the first time she felt truly connected to Dirk, a peek into the bond society said every mother and child had. It was enough to bring her into his room, tears and all. Very carefully, she picked him up in her arms and just sat down with him in the middle of the floor.
What a pair they made. And once she was certain this must have been some kind of nightmare he had,she started to hum. Her voice rose into song as she rocked him gently in her arms.
Just close your eyes, the sun is going down You’ll be alright, no one can hurt you now Come morning light, you and I’ll be safe and sound
Now, in the infirmary room, she finds herself singing the same song, pushing his hair back comfortingly even though there’s a good chance he can’t feel her at all.
She used to drag her finger down his soft and ridiculously chubby cheeks. It was amazing how something so little and fragile could mean so much to her, even when she doubted if she actually cared at all.
Looking at him now, she’s confident she always did, so much deeper than either of them could ever understand. She wishes he could be awake enough to know.
She knew, that night in his room, that her voice was interrupted too many times by sniffles and cracked pitches for it to be any good. But for some reason, their tears had stopped together. It was him who had started soothing her.
Don’t you dare look out your window, darling everything’s on fire The war outside our door keeps raging on Hold onto this lullaby even when the musics gone, gone
While he lies unresponsive, she reaches for his hand as she starts to sing, cheeks fresh with tears. It feels just like when he was young, her voice even faltering every now and then while she does. Dirk deserves so much better, and she can only hope that he keeps fighting.
Riley knows enough of his past to know he’s conquered mountains compared to this before. She believes in him possibly more than anyone else. Everything about Dirk is a hopeful future when she lived so long without any foresight.
Just close your eyes, the sun is going down You’ll be alright, no one can hurt you now Come morning light, you and I’ll be safe and sound
She leans over to kiss his forehead before finishing the song, and she squeezes his hand.
“I’m here. Don’t give up. Please don’t give up.”
Just close your eyes, you’ll be alright Come morning light, you and I’ll be safe and sound