oh preacher, my feet hurt

take my sorrow away from me icon and cover photo by specialsari

[robynsaint]

She hates the sound of the beeping, but she needs it all the same. Yes, he’s breathing. Yes, he’s still alive. Keep fighting, Baby. There’s so much more she has to tell him, so much more he has to experience himself. Three sons, growing and growing, just like he did once.

Being here is strangely familiar–a feeling of sadness and responsibility and helplessness all at once. But if she thinks about it, if she watches him for long enough, she’ll remember how he looked when he was an infant. When he needed her. When she didn’t think she would ever be enough.

I remember tears streaming down your face when I said I’ll never let you go When all those shadows almost killed your light But all that’s dead and gone and passed tonight

There were many nights she could recall, but one in particular that felt the most real. It was a night where it was only her and Dirk. The internet told her it was normal to worry as a new mother. It was supposedly normal to have passing thoughts of concern.

But these were never passing thoughts. These were vivid fears, coming to life in her mind so strongly that it almost felt like reality. At the same time, it was her reality. Sometimes, it was incredibly difficult to tell the difference.

She would look at him and think of everything that could go possibly wrong should she reach down to pick him up. There were times when he would cry, and she would hate herself for every damn second she wanted to stay where she was instead of tending to him. Even her own mother was ever-present with Penny–but did she remain that way? Did it matter?

That night, she felt horrible. Useless. Dirk had been put to bed, and she was alone with her thoughts. Dirk didn’t need her. Derek was so much better with him. She couldn’t be a mom, not to Dirk, not to anyone. Maybe she fooled herself into thinking she might actually be able to do this.

As soon as she started crying, he did the same from the other room. There was no way he could have heard her, no way he could have known. That was the first time she felt truly connected to Dirk, a peek into the bond society said every mother and child had. It was enough to bring her into his room, tears and all. Very carefully, she picked him up in her arms and just sat down with him in the middle of the floor.

What a pair they made. And once she was certain this must have been some kind of nightmare he had,she started to hum. Her voice rose into song as she rocked him gently in her arms.

Just close your eyes, the sun is going down You’ll be alright, no one can hurt you now Come morning light, you and I’ll be safe and sound

Now, in the infirmary room, she finds herself singing the same song, pushing his hair back comfortingly even though there’s a good chance he can’t feel her at all.

She used to drag her finger down his soft and ridiculously chubby cheeks. It was amazing how something so little and fragile could mean so much to her, even when she doubted if she actually cared at all.

Looking at him now, she’s confident she always did, so much deeper than either of them could ever understand. She wishes he could be awake enough to know.

She knew, that night in his room, that her voice was interrupted too many times by sniffles and cracked pitches for it to be any good. But for some reason, their tears had stopped together. It was him who had started soothing her.

Don’t you dare look out your window, darling everything’s on fire The war outside our door keeps raging on Hold onto this lullaby even when the musics gone, gone

While he lies unresponsive, she reaches for his hand as she starts to sing, cheeks fresh with tears. It feels just like when he was young, her voice even faltering every now and then while she does. Dirk deserves so much better, and she can only hope that he keeps fighting.

Riley knows enough of his past to know he’s conquered mountains compared to this before. She believes in him possibly more than anyone else. Everything about Dirk is a hopeful future when she lived so long without any foresight.

Just close your eyes, the sun is going down You’ll be alright, no one can hurt you now Come morning light, you and I’ll be safe and sound

She leans over to kiss his forehead before finishing the song, and she squeezes his hand.

“I’m here. Don’t give up. Please don’t give up.”

Just close your eyes, you’ll be alright Come morning light, you and I’ll be safe and sound

[transient-tutor]

Keep reading

[transient-tutor]

Keep reading

[transient-tutor]

Keep reading

[transient-tutor]

Keep reading

[technetronictactician]

Keep reading

[transient-tutor]

Keep reading

[robynsaint]

✂

✂ - a vivid memory

It was never a spontaneous decision.

She knew every part of this place as if it were an extension of her own body, as if it were as familiar as the dips between her fingers and the rise that followed. She knew where the foundation slanted, where the carpet felt unsettlingly rough against her toes, the hidden triggers in the apartment that made it sound as creaky as a rusty door.

It had to be done carefully, with ease and grace and just about everything she felt so far from for far too long. He was on the couch, in the same position he always slept in, and it made her remember just how he looked when she first opened her eyes in the mornings. It had been a while since they slept in the same place; she lost count of the days. But then again, it didn’t really matter now. Riley knew what she needed to know: she couldn’t live like this anymore. They couldn’t live like this anymore.

It was four am and Derek had been asleep for about an hour. Riley hadn’t slept at all, but she sure pretended to. It confused her how after feeling nothing but numbness and sadness and anger, she could be tossing and turning with anxiety at the very concept of leaving. She planned it out in her head weeks ago, decided to go through with it shortly after, and now, getting up was the hardest part. With willpower and willpower alone, her feet touched the ground, and she dug her packed backpack from under clothes in the closet they used to share. She made sure she left most of her things behind because she couldn’t take them with her. Too much luggage would slow her down. She didn’t want to move.

She wanted to start over.

Riley had debated stopping by Dave’s room before leaving, but the guilt and the sadness took over enough to send her carefully entering the room he used to share with Dirk. The crib was dismantled and gone now, with only Dave’s remaining. Still, it felt like Dirk was there somehow, and that’s why she avoided coming in here as much as she could.

Upon reaching her sole remaining son, she watched him for a few moments as he slept on his back, thumb in his mouth, tiny chest rising and falling slowly, covered in a onesie that featured snowmen in sunglasses with the words “cool dude” printed as many times possible. Prior to this moment, she imagined she would mouth a silent goodbye and move on. Something, however, caused her arms to reach down and scoop him up, his little body heavy with exhaustion and warm with life.

He gurgled momentarily, and a part of her wished that he would cry. Dave would cry, Derek would come in, and she would have to stay. But instead of protesting, Dave leaned his head against her shoulder and carried on as if this was how things were supposed to be. Her throat ached, eyes watering as she took a moment to hold him close, hand feeling that soft baby hair for the last time. For a brief moment, she considered staying. For an even shorter moment, she entertained the idea of taking him with her. But she knew both options begged disaster, and he deserved better.

He deserved so much better.

“I’m always gonna love you,” she whispered, because it was comforting to think he could understand her. “Sorry I couldn’t be your mom. Maybe you’ll get a better one.” There was an indescribable disappointment that weighed heavy in her chest upon saying that. “Your daddy’s going to take good care of you.”

If she didn’t put her child down now, something told her that she never would. She carefully laid him right back down, just for his eyes to open at the very last second and gaze up at her.

Her voice caught in her throat, but she managed a strained, “Bye, baby,” and left, closing the door behind her.

She had to pass Derek in order to get outside, but as soon as she made it successfully to the doorknob, she paused to watch him. There was so much she felt about her husband, so much anger and hurt, yet still love. If she relied on feelings alone, she would have stayed.

After watching him and reconsidering the choice she made, she forced herself quietly out the door.

And it became her biggest regret.

[robynsaint]

[02:12] RILEY: -it's december 3rd. and that means there are 4 birthdays to be acknowledged on this ship, but this one has top priority. and by being top priority, that means derek's going to get the worst of it. so, while he's sleeping, she slips out of bed to quietly get herself together a little. after that, she uses unflattering candid photos of him to spell out happy birthday on the far wall. she climbs on the bed with her guitar and pops confetti right over his sleeping self before aggressively strumming on her guitar-

[02:12] RILEY: hey it's your birthday

[02:12] RILEY: hey you're really fucking old

[02:15] DEREK: *SNORTS awake and it takes him a good long moment to rouse enough to realize what the fuck is even going on. he turns his head to look at her blurrily, slowly raising his hand to flip her the bird.*

[02:17] RILEY: aww, you really mean that? that's sweet. -more strumming- today is your birthday

[02:17] RILEY: do you like my song?

[02:17] RILEY: -she's grinning like an asshole.-

[02:25] DEREK: Its beautiful. *says with raspy morning voice, rubbing at his eyes.* Sounds like you put a lotta thought into it.

[02:27] RILEY: oh, i did. -it's a cute raspy morning voice, and she has no regrets whatsoever- good morning, sunshine.

[02:31] DEREK: Mornin. *moves his hands and makes kissy faces at her.*

[02:32] RILEY: -leans over still holding the guitar to kiss him regardless if he's being sassy or not- you gonna sleep the whole day away, princess?

[02:43] DEREK: *yeees. he wanted kisses.* Im thinkin about it.

[02:44] RILEY: you're going to miss out if you do. -another smooch-

[02:51] DEREK: Oh? Miss out on what? *leans up into smooches.*

[02:54] RILEY: -keeps kissing him- other stuff. embarrassing songs. a song i wrote for you. making a big spectacle of yourself and having the entire ship sing to you. presents. me. -shrugs-

[03:31] DEREK: *hums as he considers all this... and then rolls over onto his side, curled into blankets.* Yeah Ill pass.

[03:36] RILEY: -pinches his arm-

[03:37] RILEY: hey.

[03:39] DEREK: *PRETEND SNORING.*

[03:40] RILEY: -sets down her guitar to climb on top of him- wake up, dickhead.

[03:45] DEREK: *wheeze laugh.* Its my birthday I can do what I want.

[03:47] RILEY: -groans loudly- how can i surprise you with anything if you don't wake up?

[03:47] RILEY: -shakes him-

[03:50] DEREK: Youre creative. I bet you could manage it. *turns and settles his hands on her waist to help her into his lap.*

[03:54] RILEY: -grins at him while also squinting- you're fucking with me.

[03:55] RILEY: i'm supposed to fuck with YOU and YOU are fucking with ME.

[04:03] DEREK: You really expect things to go any differently? Come on. *runs hands up her sides.*

[04:08] RILEY: -snorts- guess i can't surprise you jeremih style after all. -sighs dramatically and just flops over against him- too bad.

[04:23] DEREK: ... *wraps arms around her.*

[04:23] DEREK: So maybe I was bein a little hasty.

[04:27] RILEY: what? no! you want to sleep.

[04:27] RILEY: -she's giggles-

[04:29] RILEY: -she giggles-*

[04:32] DEREK: Well mostly I just wanna lay here.

[04:35] RILEY: uh huh. -kisses his shoulder- that's all?

[09:40] DEREK: Yeah. I can lie here. And you can do ya thing.

[09:41] RILEY: my thing. -she rolls her eyes and grins- take advantage of all the passes you get, buddy.

[09:50] DEREK: *snickers and folds his arms behind his head.* I intend to.

[09:53] RILEY: -gives him an incredulous look and then forces her hands behind his head to intertwine with his just to pull them aside- don't get too comfortable or you're going to embarrass yourself.

[10:08] DEREK: Hey... You overestimate how much I care about not embarrassing myself. *grins and squeezes her hands all the same.*

[10:17] RILEY: right now, sure. -she laughs and dips her head to kiss him again- got any birthday wishes?

[10:23] DEREK: I wish youd kiss me more.

[10:26] RILEY: -okay that was unexpectedly cute. at this point she shouldn't have to deal with blushing, but she is a little.- keep them coming like there's a fuckton of candles. -she smiles a little and kisses him sweetly, squeezing his hands in hers-

[10:49] DEREK: *grins even wider at her blushing before she dips down to kiss him more. he leans up into it, trying to prolong it for as long as he can get away with.*

[10:52] RILEY: -she'll kiss him for as long as he wants her there, but now she's much more loving, adoring, prolonging the kiss with him, her hair likely tickling his skin-

[11:11] DEREK: *it's a nice little sensory thing, leaving him smiling under the kiss he's trying so hard to hold. he squirms his hands from her grasp to wrap his arms around her and roll her into the blankets again with him.*

[11:16] RILEY: -she's caught off guard but she doesn't fight it at all, resorting to breathing through her nose for air and using her free hands to pull herself even closer, one of her bare feet just barely caressing the inside of his lower leg.-

[11:28] DEREK: *hums with contentment and breaks away to start kissing along her neck and shoulder, now that he's at a better angle to do so. all these small touches are making him anxious for more of her.*

[11:32] RILEY: -she catches her breath, but it's not exactly easy with his lips trailing across her skin. she arches her neck encouragingly, unable to tame the smile on her face- you just couldn't resist, could you, strider? couldn't lay there and do nothing even if you wanted to.

[11:48] DEREK: Its true. Im damn pathetic. *runs a hand up her side, under her shirt and along her little baby bump.*

[11:52] RILEY: good thing i love you anyway. -she grins and glances down even if they're so close she can barely see...and then...- oh my god. hahaha. she moved, babe. -THAT IS EXCITING. she may not be big enough for other people to feel her move around, but riley certainly can-

[12:03] DEREK: Oh shit really? *now he's distracted... he squirms down so he's face level with her belly and pats it again.* You hear us bein gross?

[12:05] RILEY: yeah, really. you think i'd distract you from fucking me by lying about that? please. -laughs, watching him- maybe she's saying hi.

[12:11] DEREK: I think shes tellin us to shut the fuck up cuz its too early for this shit. *kisses the belly.*

[12:11] DEREK: To which I say... Nah.

[12:13] RILEY: -pets his head gently- i also say nah. sorry girl, 2-1 vote here.

[12:37] DEREK: Better get used to it. *nuzzles a little at her before sneakily tugging her bottoms down. oops.*

[12:40] RILEY: -snorts, but she's already excited about what's to come- what are you, a pants ninja?

[08:31] DEREK: Im more like a ninja of lovin. *kisses along her hip.*

[08:32] RILEY: oooh. should we make that your official title? like instead of pilot whatever. what do you call pilots? i don't fucking know. it doesn't matter. ninja of lovin derek strider.

[08:43] DEREK: Ill have em change my position on the roster right away. *sits a little so he can pull her bottoms all the way off.* Also we call pilots pilots.

[08:45] RILEY: -she giggles and watches him with raised eyebrows.- well, no shit. don't they have some sorta military title? flight lieutenant or some shit? i don't know.

[09:12] DEREK: Flight lieuntenant... *snickers* If they do then I dont pay it no mind. Im not a military man. *kisses at the inside of her thighs.*

[09:18] RILEY: ninja of lovin it is. -moves her legs to give him a little more room there- so if you're not a military man...what kinda man are you? -she's being so cheesy and taunting and she knows it--it's obvious by the smirk on her face-

[07:20] DEREK: Guess you could say Im a lover. *waggles brows while he descends between her legs. she's being cheesy... he's just being a dork.*

[07:32] RILEY: -she starts giggling at what he says and even more when he feels him shifting and now she's just laughing at how ridiculous this all sounds-

[07:52] DEREK: *lifts her legs slightly to feel up her thighs at the underside, up around her ass.* What are you gigglin about? *grins*

[07:55] RILEY: hahaha- oh hey. -she tilts her head at him with a smile- ohhhh. nothin. ;)

[08:29] DEREK: We wont be sayin oh nothin in a second. *trails kisses down between her legs till lips meet lips and he's parting warm flesh with his tongue.*

[08:32] RILEY: isn't it your birthday here-- oh that's your tongue.

[08:34] RILEY: -she shivers a little-

[08:55] DEREK: Mmhmm. *lifts his head a little.* Trust me though. I aint doin nothin I dont wanna do. *and then he dips his head back down, repeating the process.*

[09:07] RILEY: -that is stupid sweet, and she smiles up at the ceiling because she can't avoid it. these were the kinds of things that made her feel guilty when they first started dating, back when she felt she wasn't good enough for him to treat her like that. but now, things are different; they're not kids- then by all means, do what you want, baby.

[lucille-the-fox]

Memory Meme

Past experiences help shape who we are currently, how we see the world. Send in a symbol and I’ll write a drabble of one of my muse’s memories.

–

❥ - a childhood memory

♣ - a fading memory

✂ - a vivid memory

✖ - a repressed memory

✈ - an eye-opening memory

✤ - a memory that involves romance/love

☤ - a memory of death/loss

✍ - a memory of their mother

☽ - a memory of their father

✌ - a memory of a relative

↕ - a memory that may or may not have happened

♚ - a memory of something paranormal

♬ - a friend/best friend memory

[euphobicgeotech]

Keep reading

[robynsaint]

roadkill

“write a song about me” you tell me under covers so full of your own ego gross so now there’s no more us don’t think there ever was but ever since you left i’ve been blessed with inspiration

you want my finest poetry? a metaphor? a simile? well, how about this?

passin’ by you nowadays is like lookin’ at some roadkill the kind that gets run over repeatedly by its own bad decisions but at least they get one life and live it and you, mr. thousand lives let all yours go to waste looks like you’ll just grow more unappealing as the time goes by just like roadkill just like roadkill just like roadkill

pretty good, huh? was it just like you wanted? something so honest you could cry about your greatness? see, that’s an exaggeration you’ve created an illusion for you easier to handle than the truth want to be my muse? want to tell your friends about me? and how i wrote a song for you? i think it’s important that they know that

passin’ by you nowadays is like lookin’ at some roadkill the kind that gets run over repeatedly by its own bad decisions but at least they get one life and live it and you, mr. thousand lives let all yours go to waste looks like you’ll just grow more unappealing as the time goes by just like roadkill just like roadkill just like roadkill

i’d equate you to a raccoon but that’s too good for you thought about a possum but at least an opossum’s cute and doesn’t make me wanna puke maybe an armadillo but its shell is way tougher than yours

passin’ by you nowadays is like lookin’ at some roadkill the kind that gets run over repeatedly by its own bad decisions but at least they get one life and live it and you, mr. thousand lives let all yours go to waste looks like you’ll just grow more unappealing as the time goes by just like roadkill just like roadkill just like roadkill

that makes you roadkill forgotten in the rear view mirror that makes you roadkill forgotten in the rear view mirror

send my thanks to the street cleaner

[robynsaint]

dirk’s song - 2nd draft

came into this world when you didn't ask for any of it didn’t ask to know love  didn’t ask to lose it

and while your hearts still beating  your fears have multiplied in to tens of thousands of weeds choking your perspective you have been through more than i could stand and i’ve spent my whole life missing you

but there you are and here i am you’ve felt so far away  for far too long  now that we’re together you’ll never be alone again i’ll always stand with you

taken without a say when you were promised love you were promised a family you were promised me

and so you gained an inheritance you didn’t know you had in store but baby you deserved the best i was going to give it to you  when you were wondering where i was i could never forget you

but there you are and here i am you’ve been too far away for far too long  maybe i did something right  to get you back whatever it is  i wanna be your mom again and always stand with you

but i know that all this time you and me we thought we were alone  but somehow we found all the right roads to lead us home and maybe life is planned  or maybe it’s all bullshit but either way this end result  is really all i could have ever wanted

and here we are  and we’re alive and it’s so crazy to be  side by side with you  so i can tell you i’ll always stand with you  i’ll stand with you

[robynsaint]

(( the time has come where i have no songs in my queue but i am hungry for more so PLEASE pick a song from this list and send it in an ask and i’ll write the lyrics B)

http://robynsaint.tumblr.com/discography ))

[robynsaint]

audrey hepburn

you’re my blue eyed audrey hepburn baby some kind of classic novelty and i’ve never been much into vintage but you pull it off so easily i’d tag along on any roman holiday with you if it’s in italy or our hotel room

take me out of chrome and straight to living color won’t let the static take us and the only ribbon that will ever come undone is the one in your hair when we kiss so make a comeback baby save all your love for me cuz i’m not chasing pussy in the rain i just want all of you

i could slide my fingers through that audrey hepburn hair you tell me we’re having breakfast at tiffany’s and i don’t know who the fuck tiffany is but maybe she’s some fun i guess we can come over but fuck that modern love i’d rather be with you forever

take me out of chrome and straight to living color won’t let the static take us and the only ribbon that will ever come undone is the one in your hair when we kiss so make a comeback baby never forget about me cuz i’m not going crazy or insane i just want to be yours

my fair lady we don’t have to wait until dark for you to understand what’s on my mind but know that if i had a choice between you and audrey no hesitation i’ll pick you every time

audrey hepburn baby be my audrey hepburn baby

[robynsaint]

my sheets felt like you

i built a cocoon for myself out of blankets hoping i’d become a butterfly and soon i realized it was you that made me feel like i could metamorphosize with your arms around me

but this place i’m in is forgery it lies to me and for a second i believed it when i wrapped myself in lavender scents and egyptian cotton so tight i couldn’t breathe

this is my new beginning i am born again many times i’ve woken up believing you’re around me tangled legs and hot breath against my neck but my sense of touch deceives me but this 800 thread count could be you so i pretend to sleep a little longer to stay with you in bed

my fingers slide and feel so deeply across what could have been your skin but i am touching heaven and it gives me an illusion that you’re against me and reality to fantasy and on its way returning back to me

but this place i’m in is paper thin it lies to me and for a second i believed it when i wrapped myself in paper cuts and nightmares that stole me from my sleep

this is my new beginning i am born again many times i’ve woken up believing you’re around me tangled legs and hot breath against my neck but my sense of touch deceives me but this 800 thread count could be you so i pretend to sleep a little longer to stay with you in bed

but this place i’m in is nonexistent fuels my inability to discern what i’m feeling from what i’m saying from what i’m tasting but there’s no way to save me baby i’m my own deity i’m a goddess i’ll do it my way and you should worship me you should have fought for me you should have let me be

this is my new beginning i am born again many times i’ve woken up believing you’re around me tangled legs and hot breath against my neck but my sense of touch deceives me but this 800 thread count could be you so i pretend to sleep a little longer to stay with you in bed i’ll pretend you always loved me i’ll pretend it didn’t end

[robynsaint]

sins

under the cut for heavy content

my sins are counted andthey are made of woodcarefully crafted pillaryreserved for the no goodi’m waiting for the guillotine

i wear my sins as a necklacependant weighed of stonereminding me when i hit the wateri’ll fucking drown alone

my sins are plenty andthey follow where i gofingerprints and footprintsit’s unmistakable

i wear my sins like shoesmade of cinder blocksaccompanied bysounds of ticking clockswith hands of those i left behind