last night, i james bond burgered your sister — trade for @some-wizard-named-h
summary: matteo was sent an anonymous message that someone just james bond burgered his sister and he needed to find out who it was.
word count: 951 words
warnings: author is on so much crack, suggestiveness(????)
a/n: i'm fucking dyine. went extra hard on that crack i snorted. if you don't know, this is heavily inspired off of this post, but i also took a lot of references to a bunch of other stuff. hey, if you're curious about trading with/commissioning me for a fic, read this post!
credits: @some-wizard-named-h for the stupid (/aff) and funny thumbnail art of matteo and two of his gang @/strangergraphics for the ao3 dividers
"WHO THE FUCK JAMES BOND BURGERED MARIA?!"
All four heads turned in Matteo's direction, staring at what he was holding up in front of him. Rivera snorted their drink, Reggie blinked rapidly, Angus was just making a ':3' face like always, and the Jamie was sipping his coffee with one corner of his mouth.
It was a really good drawing of James Bond also known as Agent 007 from the James Bond movies and a half-assed drawing of a burger that a stickman may as well be superior to sandwiched in the middle of a sliced-off sentence that read:
Last night I
your sister
"Is that how you read it, Matt?" Reggie was the first to speak up out of the silent squad (with the exception of Rivera trying to hold back their laughter). "I thought it meant 'Last night I bonded with and gave burger to your sister'."
Rivera couldn't hold it in anymore and was practically howling as soon as they opened their mouth.
"That's a real tame interpretation, Reg," Jamie mentioned and started sipping on his coffee once more with his pupils slowly turning to the side.
"YOU." Matteo got up in Rivera's face with a scowl and pressed his finger to the paper insistently. "WAS IT YOU?!"
"BWAHAHAHAH- MERCI, MERCI-!"
"AND WHAT ABOUT YOU, CIP?!"
":3." Angus remained perfectly still with his hands clasped on the table, face permanently settled on that ':3' expression of his. There was no telling what was going on through his head when he gets like that and looking at it filled Matteo with unbridled determination even though it was pretty obvious it wasn't him. After all, he wasn't really the type to sleep with his folks' sisters, was he? His gay ass didn't look the part if he was.
"Calm down, Matt. Maria's an amazing girl, but I don't think she'd…" Reggie swallowed the laugh caught in his larynx (yeah, we're doing anatomy now) and cleared his throat. "ahem Get James Bond burgered by any of us."
"Well, I've only introduced her to you four! It can't be anyone else-" Heads turned towards Rivera as they were having a coughing fit and started shaking on the spot, but Matteo nonchalantly ignored his dying friend and continued on, "-that isn't from this group and I'm going to find out who the fucker is!"
"Do we hold a vote?" Reggie asked the table.
After a moment of silence, a floating interface with their faces in cute chibi form on it next to their names popped up on the table horizontally.
Rivera's entire name and the chibi was crossed out, leaving Reggie, Angus, Jamie, and, of course, Matteo, on there.
"Voting session? Didn't know you had magic powers, Reggie." Jamie snorted, having finally settled his cup of infinite coffee down on the table.
Just then, the realization hit Matteo like a Dewoitine D.520 that the bastard with the face prosthetic's actually the most suspicious one here. He hadn't been making any proper commentary at all, had been averting his eyes from meeting Matteo's gaze, and above all --- was the most recent of the four idiots to have met Maria. And not only that, he remembered being suspicious because both of them were getting so familiar with each other in such a short time with blushing faces like they were a bunch of lovesick teenagers.
Matteo made a face at Jamie and silently pressed to vote for Jamie. Angus, being the silly man that he is, followed suit. Reggie didn't even hesitate before pressing to vote for Jamie as well.
The vote ended with a three-to-one: Jamie (3) and Matteo (1).
"What the hell," Matteo's eye twitched at that single vote on his profile that came from Jamie. "Why the fuck would I James Bond burger my sister?!"
Jamie smirked and shrugged. "Mh, I've been had."
"So you admit it, you puny asshat-"
"That I James Bond burgered your sister? I wouldn't say that. More like I bonded with her, gave her a burger, and then I James Bond burgered her."
"So I was right," Reggie said, amused.
Matteo's face turned red as a tomato from anger and he was huffing like one (?). "You damn bastard, look me in the socket properly while you tell me that crap!"
At that, he lifted his closed socket with his finger.
"They usually tell ya' to look 'em in the eye, but socket-to-socket works too." At that, Jamie took off his prosthetic and they both stared into each other's sockets (ayo, romantic shit).
…
":3"
…
When it was clear no one was losing the socket staring contest, Matteo groaned and finally let his socket close up once again. Jamie grinned, having won the totally important challenge that just decided whatever the fuck they were deciding on.
"…So."
Matteo looked up at Jamie, who was looking as composed as ever. "What."
"Was my drawing good?"
"…The burger was shit, but the James Bond looked fine."
"Mh, I got lazy with the burger."
"Did Matt finally figure it out?" Rivera asked all of a sudden, having come back to life after deducting another one from their nine lives.
"Mhm."
"Go suck a bullet hole, you two."
"Ew, I'm into girls," Rivera replied.
Jamie sipped on his never-ending coffee once more. "Gladly."
":3." Said the :3'ing Angus.
Reggie shook his head with a small grin on his face.
Matteo groaned, "I hate you all."
"Love you too, soon-to-be brother-in-law."
"And who the fuck decided that?!"
The rest of the afternoon was filled with fun, more of their socket staring contest, and someone getting held up by the collar before someone else made a joke about burgers and gave Matteo a near-heart attack.
Gosto muito dessa recriação. Acho que é uma das melhores versões desse disco-tributo. A Comadre Florzinha pegou uma música que era uma jovem-guarda sem-vergonha e a transformou em algo extraordinário.
