one shot of tequila — trade with @no-i-have-no-shame (non-tnmn)
summary: you visit tequila during his day-off at the stable while his horse gets jealous in the background.
word count: 1097 words
warnings: none
a/n: now, i've never watched the kingsman series, nor did i ever even get to know this guy with the thick southern accent and unhinged lingo before this trade, but i really got into writing this guy because the person who requested them had some genuinely really good ideas on him that gave me a good idea on how to write him even without having to watch the movies. this reader x canon's reader gendered terms and pronouns were all based on the requester for their yumeshipping immersion. i hope you like this cowboy spy hehe. hey, if you're curious about trading with me for a fic, read this post!
credits: @/strangergraphics for the ao3 dividers
Agent Tequila had only one duty for today: take the rest of his day off and simply be Raymond Müller. He walked to the stables with his gums sore, feeling pretty exasperated from a mission the day before yesterday, and rolled his shoulders while stretching his stiff neck to the side.
"'Ey there, Spirit, you're lookin' like ye' got some wind in ya' for a good ol' ride across the borough." He mused as his hands gently stroked the gorgeous brown mane of his favorite (and well, only) horse.
Just then, there came a sound of knocking on the barn doors and Tequila snapped his head towards the sound, racking his head for a good few seconds as to who it might be before his face lit up. "Come in, pumpkin!"
The barn doors opened and in walked the most beautiful boy in the states that Tequila had ever known in the world, you. There was a soft glow in his eyes and a slow warmth settling in his chest as he grinned at you. "Well, Spirit, looks like our li'l ride's gonna have to wait." He leaned against the wall next to his horse's stable who neighed loudly in complaint, resting his head against the guards before motioning the space next to him. "Lean in, sugarplum. We got the whole mornin' before Spirit 'ere starts neighing like a horse out for a reckonin'."
You giggled at his joke as you approached him before pausing in front of him and noticing how his hands began to shake and fidgeted for his empty pockets. Tequila noticed your gaze lingering a little too long on his quivering lips concerningly and bit it down to stop it from quivering. But you're not one to be fooled by this cowboy's bad attempts at suppressing his withdrawal symptoms and hide how he really feels about it. You dig into your own pocket, taking out a pack of gum and peeling the wrapper before handing it over to Teqs.
He smiled, but it came out a little strained than usual. "Thanks, sweetie pie, ye' didn't have to." His hands shook as he took the gum from your hand and chucked it into his mouth before chewing on it promptly. "Mmm… Tastes like powder from a horseshoe." You raised a brow at him, not even sure what that means. "Strong, and a bit iron-y." Teqs let out a melodic laughter when you nudged him for beating around the haystacks. "Alright, alright, what I meant ta' say was, this flavor got my mouth in a shitfire."
You sighed, knowing that that pack of gum was actually just a freebie from a shopkeeper out of town, but smiled knowing that this was just part of your boyfriend's usual dramatics to lighten the mood. The corner of his lips twitched upwards seeing your smile and he tipped his hat over his face, somewhat obscuring the way his eyes glinted with adoration. But from this angle where you can see under the brim of his cowboy hat, you knew better and blushed at the sight of this rare moment of softness from him.
"Ye' know, cookie, life's been hotter than hinges lately. But my momma always told me that ain't nothin' more embarrassin' than tuckin' your tail and turnin' back asswards." Tequila flashed a toothy smile at you. "Plus, I have you now, apple pie. And ain't no life as crass and bitter as a farmer's boots when yer' around."
You sheepishly smiled and tilted your head up to kiss his cheek. Coincidentally, at the same time, Spirit neighed disapprovingly, to which Tequila laughed heartily. "Ye' even got Spirit jealous. Ain't ever seen a horse as split as frog's hair split three ways. That's how much ye' mean to me, sugar." He leaned down to kiss your forehead, his lips warm against your skin. When he parted from the kiss, his eyes locked onto yours as he tucked a stray lock of your hair behind your ears.
In your eyes, he saw a future he never really thought about before. The future that made him finally quit smoking once and for all. And now that the only things he really had were work, you, and the horse, he would do anything to secure that future for both you and him. No matter how many sucky British lads come in with their fancy suits and collars or how much mud he had to stick himself in to keep himself afloat, his home was you, here in Kentucky, with a jealous horse who didn't quite approve of another guy getting his attention.
"Well, don't just stand there, sugarplum. Gimme some sugar." But before you can actually do anything yourself, he already laid his lips flat on yours and his breath smelled like alcohol and the chewing gum you had given him. You inhaled it unashamedly and smiled against his lips. Another loud neigh made Tequila step back and part lips and he sighed in exasperation.
"Better take this girl out fer a stroll before she shatters my balls with that kick of hers." Tequila adjusted the hat sitting on his head and placed a hand on his hip, cocking it to the side. Your expectant gaze made the corner of his eyes crease as a smirk graced his lips. "Don't look at me like that, sweetie pie. I promise I'll take ye' for a ride one of these days, just not today when my horse lookin' like she'll dip you in a mud puddle."
That wasn't the response you quite expected but seeing as Spirit did seem a little too mean-spirited for the day and that you still had some other places to be, you let it be with a sigh and the horse let out an arrogant snort.
Tequila stared at you fondly with a look that said he wasn't quite done with you for the day and as he watched you turn away with a wave of your hand, he leaned back against the wall once more and looked on longingly. Spirit whined.
"Atta girl, don't gimme that look. She's the best boy anyone can ask for." Tequila smiled to himself before finally turning towards the whiny horse and placing both hands on his hips. "Now, we oughta get both you and I some fresh air and ride with the wind, partner."
But as the day unfolded before him, Tequila knew that he wouldn't be able to get you out of his mind and Spirit snorted, sensing your lingering presence in his master even without you physically there.
summary: the doorman expected yet another typical card night in their dreams, what they got instead was the adorable sight of a tired, grumpy unlikely.
word count: 760 words
warnings: slightly suggestive
a/n: okay this prompt i took the most creative liberties for especially at the start with grumpy unlikely and the reason for why he's so sleepy. based from what gabby told me, *he* is the one who gives *himself* flaws and so i thought hey, he would totally try sleeping like a human for once in his life and didn't expect to get woken up. they still try to play with the doorman, but well, you'll see. this was more of a crack fic, if i'm being honest since i didn't really take it that seriously but it was a fun write and i got to see some unlikelitties. hey, if you're curious about trading with me for a fic, read this post!
credits: @gabbadabbadoob for her absolute badonkahonkers unlikely clown thumbnail art & @/strangergraphics for the ao3 dividers
It was yet another dream where the doorman opened their eyes to the same bleak walls with the same rectangular wooden table in front of them. Dried blood smeared the floors and painted the bottom half of the already depressing walls. They figured it was time for yet another game of cards with the Clown that always only ever appeared in their dreams, except…
The wooden seat before them was completely empty. No big guy wearing a jumpsuit and a maniacal toothy smile on his face while raving about the rules of the game just in case they had forgotten. But this was clearly the same room where every single card game with the Clown had been in.
Could he be teleporting between dreams? Perhaps forgot it had sent them there that night by accident? It was too… unlikely, even for the Unlikely Clown that the poster had warned him about.
Finally, a random door just appeared on the wall in the middle of the doorman's musings and in came the Clown that had been meeting them so consistently and deliberately before, except… What is he wearing? Their cheeks flushed red as their eyes travelled down the huge figure of the dream entity with his large tummy bulging out and the pale skin visible in spite of the tank top he was wearing that barely contained his massive chest. The cherry on top ---or rather, worn on his bottom half--- was the skintight red pants that had gambling motifs on it such as the lucky number '777', a pinball roulette, dice, chips, and playing cards. Their mind began to wonder towards what kind of shoes ---if they were even shoes at all--- the Clown was wearing and it almost made the doorman snort and dug himself an early grave by insulting a possibly terrestrial being.
"You're late," the doorman had to basically force the rest of the words out of their throat but they continued on, "and you look… tired."
Tired was one way to put it. Unlikely didn't have one of his usual crazed smiles, in fact, he looked more like the grumpy balding neighbor on the first floor than himself.
"It's because you humans like to sleep so much," Unlikely yawned and sat down in his chair before stretching his arms. The sight was enough to make even a trained doorman blush. "I wanted to try being in the same sleep cycle as you humans and this dream woke me up."
The doorman crossed their arms, "Aren't you an all-powerful being if you can appear in people's dreams? Why would you need sleep?"
"I said…" Unlikely groaned as he was placing the cards down.
They watched as Unlikely almost toppled over the table while blinking himself awake and sighed. It was far too cute to actually mind. When the cards were finally shuffled and the game was set up, they just quieted down and watched Unlikely as it went on with some major hiccups.
For one, the back of the cards in his hands were mostly upside down. Second, he kept blinking in and out of sleep like the milkman from the third floor during ID checking. Third, he would put down a card with a too low number when he still had a lot of cards to spare. And fourth and finally, he didn't make that cute pouty face of his that he usually did when he had to take a +2 or grab a card from the deck.
It was endearing, to say the least, seeing this usually scary godlike entity act like your typical middle-aged man coming home from his nine-to-five. And it wasn't like the doorman was faring too well in this game either, even with their opponent at an obvious disadvantage because of their doziness, they still couldn't help but make crucial mistakes that came to bite them in the ass and make them lose the game. Oh well, that staring contest they had with the massive honkeroos was worth it.
When they looked up, they had expected the Clown to look at them with those hungry eyes intending to eat them whole and spit them back out of the 'nightmare' (although, for them, this sight was actually a dream) they were having. Instead, what they got was the adorable sight of the entity in front of them; its eyes closed and drooling off with its head to the side.
The cards laid forgotten on the wooden table and no one bothered to pick it up for at least a few more hours.
summary: a certain clown entity visits john doe's secret base for the first time and finds out that he likes to draw unlikely a little too much.
word count: 978 words
warnings: none
a/n: this is the first fic of the doublefic trade that i have with gabby! it's one of my unused ideas from the previous trade that they wanted me to use for this one, i took some creative liberties and i headcanoned that unlikely has a really wide vocabulary and uses random deep words because it's funny. hey, if you're curious about trading with me for a fic, read this post!
credits: @gabbadabbadoob for her cutesy masked clown x unlikely clown thumbnail art & @/strangergraphics for the ao3 dividers
Unlikely decided today was a day for some clowning around with his favorite human, John Doe, or, as he simply liked to call him:
"ӨΉΉ, DΛЯᄂIПG!"
The large entity exited the portal he had conjured in thin air and stepped onto the old wooden floors (that somehow did not creak or break under his weight) of John's base. It was underground so the air was stuffy and the room was hot, but it didn't bother him in the slightest bit. The one thing that was simply on his mind was to find his human and see what he was doing, maybe even mess with him around a little.
His steps were surprisingly light and quiet as he traversed the secret base and its almost monotonous hallways that had several papers pinned to it in no particular order nor in a cleanly manner. From the corner of his eyes, Unlikely could see drawings of the D.D.D. logo streaked in red and with the same words written under repeated for each one with the words 'DON'T TRUST THEM'.
Looks like someone was going through a manic episode. Unlikely joked in his mind and gave himself a literal slap on the knee. That was when he caught sight of the human's most probably recent drawings which were actually colored in something that wasn't just red ink. Well, most of it were actually pencil sketches --- each one noticeably improved from the last. But most importantly, the subject of these drawings --- they were all him.
Ooh, I look rather pulchritudinous in these ones. Unlikely thought as he got up close to the ones with his face drawn in multiple different angles. One with him front-facing honking his own nose, another of him in a side-profile also honking his nose, and the last one is a 3/4th of him, again, honking his own nose, this time with an onomatopoeia written next to it like a comic strip of a 'honk!'. Darling really likes me honkin' my own nose, eh? I suppose it is rather honk-worthy.
When he turned his head to the side to peer at a doorway that was practically spilling out white light from the inside. Unlikely figured that the human clown finally 'changed the worn out light bulb' that he had written down on his 'to-do list' which it interpreted as a checklist of sorts for fun things to do. Humans and their funny little hobbies, he thought and strode in the direction of his most wanted human.
At the doorway, he paused to watch from a distance as he curiously observed the redhead man sitting on the couch with his back facing him. He looked like he was busy doing something and when Unlikely flitted its gaze around the room, it saw his mask merely laying on top of a desk drawer. Curious, Unlikely took several more steps forward until he was standing behind an oblivious John Doe who was sketching on a clipboard something very… Unlikely.
It was a fullbody sketch of him in his usual clown suit and John was still sketching his face and a party hat that Unlikely never considered wearing before but does look pretty dapper on him in this art.
Unlikely couldn't contain himself anymore and leaned over the couch, still towering wide over John Doe, to peer over the entire art.
"Well, what do we have 'ere?"
Unlikely's voice rang in John's ear with a low chuckle, but it didn't deter him from drawing in the slightest. When he finished lining the sketch, only then did he actually reply, "…Do you like it?" John set down his pen and displayed the drawing at an angle so that Unlikely could see the full drawing.
"Like it? IƬ'Ƨ FΛПƬΛBЦᄂӨЦƧ, DΛЯᄂIПG!" John didn't know what that garbled mess of Nightmare speech meant but he smiled subtly and started work on yet another sketch by ripping the paper off carefully and slowly before setting it aside. Unlikely smiled, placed his elbows on the couch, and rested his cheeks in both hands as he watched this amusing human draw more 'art' of him. "You're doin' a pretty good job, dearie. Really makin' good on that contract, eh?"
"It's no trouble, I mean, your features are…" He drew an oval that looked like it was going to be Unlikely's nose and paused. A tint of pink dusted his cheeks but he didn't even notice it as he continued penciling another drawing of Unlikely. "…simplistic. The D.D.D. has had a massive recruit of new doormans lately. I'm spreading the word about you so you can have more people to play with."
"Splendid! But I am curious, what's with the party hat from earlier, hon? Don't think you've ever seen me wear it before."
The color on John's cheeks deepened from a rosy pink to a shade of red. "It was practice, sir…"
"It paid off clownly then. Very pulchritudinous."
"…I suppose…" John went quiet, but Unlikely noticed the subtle tilt of the corner of his lips upwards which made him smile wider and watch in silence while his human drew, having forgotten what he had initially came here to do.
And when John accidentally drew a slightly lewder expression --- while absentmindedly letting his hand do the work --- of Unlikely with his tongue out and smirking, Unlikely arched a nonexistent brown by wrinkling its forehead instead and he quickly grabbed an eraser from the desk and erased it before drawing a new one. Unlikely stared at his face the entire time, but didn't find a drop in his earlier expression other than the slight quiver of his lips and the quick bob of his Adam's apple as he swallowed something down.
Unlikely bared his teeth and continued staring at the side of John's face with a glint in his usually void eyes. Humans truly are amusing creatures.
summary: steven and edward have their first picnic together and it turns into an awkward but lighthearted conversation.
word count: 1018 words
warnings: none
a/n: i found this really cute yumesona that is shipped with steven and he's so awkward and sweet so i decided to make a fanfic for them!! the yumesona in question is edward robinson by rudboyslover. hey, if you're curious about trading with me for a fic, read this post!
credits: @rudboyslover for their cutesy airmedicine thumbnail art & @/strangergraphics for the ao3 dividers
It was the perfect day for a picnic.
The sun beamed radiantly but it wasn't too hot thanks to the cooling wind breezing past the hilltop. It made the trees sway along with the pollens that scattered to the wind, and even the grass beneath Edward's feet grooved with nature as he laid the picnic blanket on the ground methodically.
When the plaid red fabric was laid down in full, Steven placed the picnic basket down and sat on the middle of the blanket to keep it weighed down in place. Edward's eyes trailed over Steven curiously---he wore a dark green flannel shirt tucked into black jeans. Casual and airy, perfect for a cool Summer day. It flashed in his mind that he never actually saw Steven outside of his work uniform before and his cheeks warmed while thinking of how well the pilot actually cleaned up for their… well, a hangout? A date? Whichever it was, just the thought of being there with Steven made his heart a-flutter for reasons that he could not quite understand yet.
"All good?" Steven asked and looked up at him --- or at least, Edward assumed he was looking at him with his head tilted towards him, he couldn't really quite tell from his sunglasses perched on his nose and covering his eyes. Edward nodded enthusiastically and his own (prescription) glasses slide down his nose and he had to thumb it back in place before smiling awkwardly.
Steven smiled and pat the space in front of him. Edward stared at it for a few long seconds before blinking in realization and quickly sitting down. He looked down at his outfit and realized that besides the beige cargo pants he was wearing, he practically had matching flannel shirts with Steven --- except his was blue with white stripes.
"You're sweating bullets there, Ed, something the matter?" Steven asked, oblivious to the way his friend's cheeks had flushed a rosy pink (though that was probably also due to the shades he was wearing, it probably made everything look darker than it was in front of him).
"I, I'm fine! A doctor like me musn't- ahem wouldn't go to these sort of hangouts if I wasn't fine. I wouldn't, wouldn't want you to get sick after all!"
Steven snorted, "Pfft, you don't have to overexplain yourself. Here." He grabbed something from his pockets and handed it over to Edward---it was a white handkerchief with sewed-on floral detailing in the sides. When Edward took it, it almost slipped through his fingers but he caught it between his pointer finger and thumb in the nick of time. "Careful there, butterfingers."
Edward smiled sheepishly at the nickname and folded it over in his hands. "That's not what I wanted you to do with it, but you do you." He didn't hear him at first, he was too preoccupied with reading the initials sewed in the middle. A. R. That wasn't Steven's initial at all, and neither was it his dad's. From what Steven told him, his first name was Mclooy, and that didn't start with an A.
Was it a woman's? But no girl visited Steven at the hospital when he first got into that nasty accident… Or maybe she was just preoccupied and couldn't make it in time?
Edward's mind rushed with one thought after another and his mouth flubbed over the words he meant to say, "Is- is- uh- this- um… is it-"
"Breathe, doctor, that's what you told me before. Come on, I'll guide you through it." Edward felt a little silly getting his, well, former patient to do it for him but he let himself be guided through the motions anyway. "Okay, one…" Deep breaths. "Two…" Inhale. "Three…" He let out a long exhale and Steven gave him a light pat on the back as he got his bearings. "That was a big one. You sure this weather isn't too windy?"
Edward chuckled hoarsely at his friend's joke and smiled that awkward smile Steven always liked to see. Steven smiled back and slid his hand off his back. "What's got you so anxious all of a sudden?"
"It's… Well, nothing, really." Edward straightened his back. "I'm… just wondering." He pointed towards the initials on the handkerchief Steven handed to him.
Steven's smile softened and he tilted his head towards the handkerchief in Edward's hands. From this angle, he could see the shine in his pupil. "Alissa Rudboys." Edward perked up. "That was my mother's handkerchief."
"Oh! I'm sorry for that, she must have been a lovely woman…"
"She died a long time ago, to a doppelganger." Steven leaned back and Edward almost didn't catch the way the light in his eyes dimmed despite the noon sun's rays. "It's kind of why I do this job. You know, as a fighter pilot who's assassinating doppels."
"I understand… It's a way of avenging her, isn't it?"
"Yeah, it seems so," Steven smiled wider, but it came out strained. "And also for my dad. He's old and a stubborn fool. That day I got into an accident, I fought a doppel that was coming for him." Edward nodded understandingly. "Getting real off-topic here, but I guess I just wanted to finally tell you the reason why and not just how it happened."
Edward placed a hand on Steven's arm as he raised it to scratch at the back of his neck. "You're not the only one who wants their loved ones to stay safe, Steven. So please, take care of yourself."
Steven's cheeks suddenly felt warm and he stared down at Edward who was looking at him with wide blue eyes. "…I will."
Edward's face lit up and he realized that his hand was still on Steven's arm so he slowly put it away with a small smile. "Oh- uh…"
While the doctor fumbled for something to say, Steven already knew his line. "The sandwiches are getting stale, how about we eat them already?"
Edward blinked rapidly and he looked at the picnic basket that had gone untouched for minutes now.
my friend the great dr w's wife, mina (go check out their tumblr it's @draftonswaifu!!!), from this tnmn server i'm in made david in their tomo life and i'm crine he's so cute and him and tacha are already bonding over having absent fathers LMAO
