#regis adventure

[tiny-buzz]

>> Crawl through the dark hidden passage

You drop to your hands and knees and begin to crawl through the DARK HIDDEN PASSAGE. The walls narrow as the passage twists and turns. You have to shimmy to get through. Minutes turn to hours as you crawl in the darkness. Finally, you start to see a light at the end of the passage.

You emerge . . . and you see a WELCOMER, a man in a skinny black suit and a jaunty hat.

“Welcome,” he announces, “to the Skankin’ Caverns.”

>> Look around

The main chamber of the Skankin’ Caverns is vast, holding DOWNTOWN SKANKIN’ CITY, which is spread NORTH, SOUTH and EAST from where you stand, with a ceiling hundreds of feet high. Street lamps illuminate the metropolis, and people walk to and fro, going about their lives. The WELCOMER stands before you, smiling faintly. Around DOWNTOWN SKANIN’ CITY are plentiful businesses, including a SKA STORE, a SKA HOSPITAL, and a SKA DELI. Off-beat guitar rhythms echo throughout the town.

>> Enter the ska store

You walk over to the SKA STORE. A black-and-white checkered doormat rests in front of the entrance. You grab the knob and find that the door is locked.

>> Break down door to ska store

You slam your shoulder into the door and it doesn’t budge.

>> Kick doormat to the side

You push the doormat to the side with your foot, and below it, you find a previously hidden SMALL KEY.

>> Pick up small key

You bend down to retrieve the SMALL KEY.

“Look!” shouts a young girl. “The SMALL KEY . . . our visitor is about to . . . pick it up!”

Her words echo throughout the chamber, activating the locals within earshot. Hundreds and hundreds of faces turn toward you with manic excitement. There is a pause, then they all start singing:

“PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP!"

You have picked up the SMALL KEY and sent the citizenry of the Skankin’ Caverns into a ska frenzy.

>> Put key in door

You fit the SMALL KEY into the SKA STORE locked door. It turns and opens up.

>> Enter ska store

You walk into the ska store and close the door behind you. The cacophony of the chanting and dancing is only slightly muted.

Before you is the SKA STORE. Records, guitars, horns, clothes and more are available in the many AISLES of the boutique. The REGISTER sits unguarded.

>> Open register

You walk over to the REGISTER and open the drawer. Inside is a FOLDED PIECE OF PAPER.

>> Read paper

You unfold the FOLDED PIECE OF PAPER. It is, surprisingly, a SUGGESTIVE DAGUERREOTYPE OF LADY WOLVERINE WITH AN INDIVIDUAL COMMUNICATION INSCRIBED AT THE BASE AND MAKRED WITH A SMOOCH. There, on black and white film stock, sitting suggestively on a Victorian couch, is Lady Wolverine, clad only in powerful and flirtatious underwear. Her eyes scorch into the camera and she is kind of smirking, powerfully and flirtatiously. She holds her hand athwart her quivering stomach, her adamantium claws gleaming. Below, next to her lipgloss print, she has scrawled:

“My sexual moron,

Regis Weekend has been extended until Friday, September 29.

—L.W.”

[tiny-buzz]

You are a Mid-Level Counselor, 2nd Tier (M.L.C. 2) for the Regis Ass Camp For Kids. (R.A.C.K.) Carrying a flashlight and a backpack, you set forth into the unsealed “Ape Cave” at the outskirts of camp acreage.

>> Look

You are at the MOUTH OF THE “APE CAVE.” Brown leaves cover the forest floor of the entrance to the cave. A faint wind comes from out the cave. To your north lies APE CAVE ENTRANCE. To your south lies GREATER UTICA.

>> South

You can’t return to GREATER UTICA until you’ve solved this mystery . . . Regis Philbin himself is counting on you.

>> Leave ape cave

You can’t return to GREATER UTICA until you’ve solved this mystery . . . lives, the local government, and R.A.C.K.’s financial solvency are all counting on you.

>> Inventory

You have your trusty FLASHLIGHT, currently off. On your shoulders, you are carrying an orange BACKPACK, zipped closed.

>> Open backpack

You take off your backpack (orange), unzip it, and look inside. There you find:

— HANDWRITTEN NOTE

— MAP

— BANDAGES

— BANANA (3)

— A LENGTH OF CURED ITALIAN DRY SALAMI TYPICAL OF THE PUGLIA REGION

— FLASK

— COMPASS-SHAPED FIGET SPINNER

— SALACIOUS PHOTOGRAPH OF MADAM WOLVERINE WITH PERSONAL MESSAGE WRITTEN AT BOTTOM AND SIGNED WITH A KISS

>> Read note

You unfold the HANDWRITTEN NOTE and begin to read:

“Hi friend,

This is Regis — Regis Philbin — talking to you, right now, through the miracle of the written tongue. Language. It’s really something else.

Now, you’re probably reading this via flashlight, in the “Ape Cave.” If you’re not in the “Ape Cave,” then drop whatever you’re doing, and go to the “Ape Cave.” You should have a map and compass in your backpack to help guide you. And if you ARE in the “Ape Cave” but you’re not using your flashlight, you probably can’t read this next part, which I’ve written in very, very paper-colored ink:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Anyway! That’s the crucial information, at least as I see it. Try to avoid directly battling the apes, as they are strong, and mad, because they’ve been sealed in that cave for a long time now.

Good luck. I’m counting on you, which you probably already know. Give my best to the missing Youth Minister if you find them alive. Or, alternately, if you die, and they’re dead, and you meet them in heaven. Or hell! Whatever. Death is not the final battle.

— Regis F.X. Philbin”

>> Turn on flashlight

You press the button on the FLASHLIGHT, and nothing happens. Maybe the batteries are dead.

>> Look at photograph

You look at the SALACIOUS PHOTOGRAPH OF MADAM WOLVERINE WITH PERSONAL MESSAGE WRITTEN AT BOTTOM AND SIGNED WITH A KISS. There, on black and white film stock, reclining on a tasteful midcentury Barcelona daybed, is Madam Wolverine, clad only in heroic and salacious nightclothes. Her eyes burn into the camera and she is kind of sneering, salaciously and heroically. She holds on hand athwart her heaving bosom, her adamantium claws gleaming. Below, next to her lipstick print, she has written:

“My sexual typhoon,

Regis Weekend has been extended until Wednesday, September 27.

—M.W.”