On interpersonal debt, owing and being owed
So even though I mostly use YouTube for casual videowatching, I stumbled across this video of Benjamin Cook discussing the community of Nerdfighteria with John Green. It's about 30 minutes long, and they hit on some really fascinating topics, so I recommend you watch it, but the one that really really struck me has to do with what was said about dealing with people telling you that you inspired them, or kept them alive. John noted the following at 19:22
"For my mental health, I really cannot take in that idea of being an important inspiration to someone. I'm very grateful for it, uh, but I tend to believe that people are responsible... You know, people who feel that they've been saved by something, generally, saved themselves."
I've spoken before about my feelings about interpersonal debt, and the importances of acknowledging that interpersonal debt; because without the acknowledgments, we devalue the work that goes into offering support to people. My model for understanding relationships does not sound like the most healthy model, and I understand that: when we talk about giving and taking pieces from each other, there is a sense of loss and selfishness that becomes inherent in the relationships we would prefer not be colored by those things.
And I do still think I am right about those values, but I think it's important to note that the kinds of relationships about which John is speaking and about which I am speaking. One can feel an interpersonal debt to an author, to a band, to a YouTuber, to any kind of 'public figure'. But the economics of such a dynamic are radically different- the 'give and take' part of the model takes an entirely different form because the relationship you have is different. "Fan" is a very, very odd dynamic, and I think we deal with it in different ways, and for a lot of people I think it's a very very difficult dynamic to navigate. (I should note I speak as a person with very little personal experience with half of this dynamic, so obviously it might be radically different from the other end.) Some people reject it entirely- the people who speak about celebrities as if they are in a romantic relationship with them are one example of these types of people. Navigating those types of relationships on a personal level is much more difficult, and thus debts owed and accrued take on an entirely different form.
John spoke about not being able to, for his own health, process those interpersonal debts others felt they owed him. And to a certain extent, I understand that, on a sheer level of number of debts owed. There is stress involved in being owed, especially in relationships because we don't have standards of payment for relationships. Which is why the 'pay it forward' method seems to work so well, because it means a debt gets acknowledged without the debtor having to truly acknowledge their role in it.
But I also disagree pretty intensely with John on the topic of people doing their own saving; I am a person who is here today through a group effort, in which sure, I participated, but I am not wholly responsible for who I am. It took a massive effort to get me through high school, and it will invariably take a massive effort to get me through college, just as it will invariably take a massive effort to get me through my life. This is not to diminish any accomplishments I might have/have had already, but it's an acknowlegment that I owe a lot of people. I probably also am owed quite a bit, although I can't speak to those debts because I don't know much about them- we can't know truly the impact we have on others, even when they express it, but we can't even begin to understand until that impact has been expressed.
But how do we as debtors acknowledge the debts owed as legitimate? How do we do that within the existing framework of relationships? On a personal level, I am not a huge fan of 'pay it forward' because I don't feel that is a real repayment- it's more like a pushing forward of debt. I would like to make and offer debt on my own terms, rather than as part of payment to a third party. At the rate we're going, as someone in debt I would really be thrilled just to get acknowledgement that yes, I owe my debtors an immense amount that might never be paid off. To see my debtors accept their own roles in my life is a validation of who I am today, the person they helped in some small way to create.
But again, that framework is built on a very specific level- it's a much different thing to be the creator of something that impacted maybe hundreds of thousands of people. And I can't speak for every person, but I do find it important to be able to acknowledge- not process, but merely acknowledge- that you can and probably do have a massive impact in people's lives, in your one-on-one relationships, in relationships between single figures and groups, etc. I think that maybe, the easier we make acknowledging those impacts, the more easily we can process them and admire all types of relationships more.
But it's also 1:15 am and I am punchdrunk, so who really knows.
