Hi Ruithie! You said anybody could come over here and yap, and BOI doI have a yap.
So, almost a year ago, I got a phone privilege taken away by my mother bc she learned I had a boyfriend. I was 15. (I still don't have a phone) But let me start at the beginning: So I want to youth group. I met an amazing friend group, let's call them Aussi (female), Rob (male), and James (male). They were my best friends, we talked all the time, I loved them, I would have died for them, and I assumed they felt the same way too. Aussie and James liked achother when I intitally met them, I had a little crush on Rob. After a while, I realized I actually liked James more. Aussie and James had a messy break up and I helped James through it at like 3 am on the next morning. It wasn't long before Aussie liked Rob. Rob was sweet on Aussie, but his parents didn't let him date. James and I got closer. I was infatuated. I loved him. He asked me to date. I was not allowed to date.... I said yes. I loved him! What was I to do?
He went to summer camp. I sent him letters. He came back. It was the week of our churchs vbs and all of us were helping. Aussie told be that James had found someone else at camp. I confroted him. He ignored me. I was mad. I was sad. I was broken. But I had to cover it all up bc I couldn't tell anyone. except Rob and Aussie. Aussie and I trauma bonded. I had no will to live. So I got sick, and ddin't get better. I couldn't make myself eat. I was losing weight rappidly in hopes that James would love me if I was prettier, (I was under the average weight for girls my age before I startd starving) My overprotective family didn't even notie bc I'm an amazing actress. I coldn't stop puking. I was sick. I'd stay up until 3 am in hopes he would text me back.
I was devestated. I was broken. I was going to end it. I told Aussie she might need to start looking for a diffrent frined and that life would be easier if I was dead.
She told our youth pastor everything about my ED, suicial thoughts, and relationship.
He told my mom. She factory reset everything on my phone. She took away my communication to the outside world and alost pulled me out of public school. I was truely hopeless.
I still had to see Aussie, Rob, and James twice a week at church and youth group. James and I made up. We have been completely nutral. Aussie statted dating James again somewhere inbetween my punishment. It was an even messier break up this time, especially since they had kissed now. He dosent speak to Aussie anymore, and netiher do I. When I was punished she didn't try to reach out, when I sent her an email she said it was my own fault. I was so mad.
James and I went on a youth group retrat with other people for 3 days. We wandered off in the woods, he apologized, we watched the clouds, we made dirty jokes about each other, we fiannly caught up from the incident.
We keep doing this stuff. 2 days ago he tricked me into reavaling tht I liked him, he likes me too. I keep saying that things have to stay this way. He's a terrible boyfriend but the best regualr friend I've ever had. I still love him. I never stopped. What on earth do I do?
I’m so sorry about everything you went through! I can honestly relate to a lot of this, with your family not noticing there’s something wrong and all. I’ve definitely had a similar situation and dealed with mild anorexia before so I totally get it. <3
As for what to do… I hate to say it, but I don’t think you should get back together with him. If he was ignoring you when you tried to confront him that’s a red flag. The thing is, I recently got out of a weird relationship with a guy where he kept acting like he liked me, but also didn’t sometimes, but I really loved him, but I wasn’t sure what to do, and then eventually one of my friends came up to me and told me had started going out with some other girl at public school (I’m homeschooled so I didn’t even stand a chance. I also met him at church youth group too actually) and I was devastated. I had had really long hair before that and that night I cut it shoulder length because I was so heartbroken, but after a bit I stayed to realize the freedom that comes with being single. At least while you’re young, that is. Because before I was smothering myself in makeup and making my belts extra tight and starving myself and making sure I always looked “cute” so he would like me, and afterward I found the freedom of just being myself and not having to cater to the male gaze constantly. I still struggled and still do struggle with starving myself sometimes but it’s been so much better. I still love him, but I couldn’t take the constant wondering anymore and was glad to break free.
TL;DR, follow your heart. If you’re not being yourself when you’re with him, don’t go out with him. Because the most important thing is always always always to stay true to yourself and not let other people’s opinions shape you. You shape you. Not James. Not your mom. You. And that’s something no one can ever take away. <3
