WIG REVIEW: CAPTAIN MARVEL
Ok fine I saw this! As I have written before, we are all now obliged to see all Marvel Universe movies...so that we may see upcoming Marvel Universe movies. It’s a never-ending cycle that will continue forever and has made us collectively watch like years of long-ass movies but we will never ever stop. THE NEXT AVENGERS MOVIE COMES OUT IN A MONTH LET’S JUST DO THIS. But what about the wigs? Let’s discuss.
We begin in outer space, where people/aliens (?) wear kimono tops and train to fight in some intergalactic war that I definitely don’t care about and Jude Law wears terrible contact lenses. Brie Larson is identified as “Vers” and as contractually obligated by any female Marvel Universe lead, wears a terrible wig. It is kind of dried out, kind of curly, kind of a mess, but in that breezy/sexy way, and for only this opening scene, is rightfully pulled back into a pony so she can train to fight. Jude has some alien name that I don’t care to remember and tells Brie constantly that she’s too much of an emotional woman and I already see what they’re doing here FINE.
Anyway, before anything is explained about what the hell is going on in this planet, Brie and Jude are suited up and off to do some covert operation that I truly do not understand or care about. However, I cannot emphasize enough how much I disliked Jude’s contacts throughout the entire movie.
For this covert operation, Brie gets suited up in this...lewk? I do not know how or why her hair is forced into a mohawk but much like everything else happening in this movie at this point: NO EXPLANATION EVEN THOUGH VERY NECESSARY. THIS IS NOT THE LEWK.
Anyway, something goes awry and Brie ends up kidnapped by some other aliens (?) and put into some memory extracting device where we catch glimpses of “Vers” actual self back in the good ‘ol USofA. Most of these memories involve a younger version of Brie getting knocked down and told to stick to gender stereotypes and OMG I GET WHAT YOU ARE DOING MOVIE - OY.
And then somehow she escapes from the memory machine and gets catapulted to earth, specifically to Los Angeles in 1995 and GET READY FOR 90s REFERENCES! BLOCKBUSTER! RADIO SHACK! GRUNGE! SONGS YOU HAD HOPED TO NEVER HEAR AGAIN! There is even an elaborate chase scene through the LA subway system that felt very much like a sequel to Speed (except NOT Cruise Control - NO THANK YOU). Through it all, Brie’s beachy waves remained perfectly quaffed without any thought to putting it back. This actually outraged not just me but the entire viewing population who DEMANDED A HAIR TIE FOR CAPTAIN MARVEL AMEN.
Also, we meet some Shield Agents as “played” by Samuel L. Jackson and Clark Gregg but mainly played by CGI de-aging technology. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: MARVEL JUST PLEASE USE THIS TECHNOLOGY TO GIVE US MORE 80s-90s MOVIES AND NOT MORE AVENGERS MOVIES I’M SO TIRED PLEASE.
Anyway, Brie and Samuel team up to go and try to figure out who the hell she even is (and like hard same on that - please explain yourself, movie!) and in order to go under cover at some airplane hangar, she wears this hat. Definitely can’t see your beachy wig under there now, gurl!
Then finally - FINALLY! - we meet Goose the cat. This cat was a large part of the promotional campaign for this movie and as a crazy cat lady IT ABSOLUTELY WORKED. However, I was already bummed that the friggin name of the cat was changed from Chewie to Goose to reference Top Gun and please movies: never change anything to reference Top Gun.
Anyway, I was led to believe that this cat would be Brie’s sidekick but it was more like Samuel’s side kick? Or really like no one’s side kick (cats don’t do that - which is fair) but also I honestly could have used about 1000% more cat content in this movie, just saying.
Regardless, we finally start getting some answers about “Vers” who is actually Carol DanVERS (Jude only saw the last part of her dog tag - get it?!?!?!), an American pilot who got stolen to space once by Jude. Carol used to work for Annette Bening in her covert operation MAR-VELL (DO YOU GET IT? IT’S MARVEL. DO YOU GET IT THO?????)
OBVIOUSLY, I LOVE ANNETTE BENING. But her talents and green contacts and fabulous grey coif are all wasted here. I WILL REMIND YOU ALL THAT ANNETTE BENING STILL DOESN’T HAVE AN OSCAR SO STOP MAKING HER WASTE HER TIME ON MARVEL MADNESS PLEASE AND THANK YOU.
Anyway, we get some more flashbacks to Carol Danvers piloting days, when she actually used a hair tie like a rational human being. Wait is this whole loose beach hair thing supposed to be a result of alien living? Nah.
Well Brie and her beach waved wig then become Captain Marvel in her new USA-themed suit and kick a lot of Jude Law and intergalactic ass all while remaining completely curled and not in her face while fighting. Wonders never cease! I think that Hollywood needs to realize that having hair look “perfect” all the time is NOT GOOD OR BELIEVABLE. Seriously this hair withstands like a nuclear explosion at one point and still stays easy/breezy/beautiful. Huh?
Oh also in order to fly, she still has to use that mohawk helmet with Bonnie Tyler music video eyes and no - I still don’t know why. TURN AROUND BRIGHT EYES.
In the end, Brie saves the world and keeps her bewigged hair from looking bedraggled by remembering every time a boy told her she couldn’t do something or got knocked off a car or wall or whatever, like some inspirational Nike commercial about getting up and trying again and OMG PLEASE STOP WITH THE FEMINIST PANDERING. I get it - we all get it.
I truly wanted to love this movie and it’s not all bad but everything is just so heavy handed and clunky, much like the 90s itself. And then they played a Gwen Stefani song and I wished this movie were Wonder Woman again. They do have something in common, though: bad wigs.
VERDICT: DOESN’T WURQ
