One of my biggest goals for 2019 is vulnerability. It's not so much a “goal”, as it is an ongoing process. But it's something which I have struggled with my entire life, and only since last October/November have I decided to finally make it a priority. One particular obstacle to being vulnerable has been my insecurity (which I have always tried to hide) and my need for approval.
Learning to embrace and be ok with myself has been a huge challenge, as I've always been afraid to show who I am for fear of judgment. A specific insecurity is my shyness. Often when I meet new people, apply to a new job, or do anything where I'm able to put on a “front” , I will become a completely different person. I'll wear a mask. I will play the role of a super outgoing, self-assured, extroverted individual. But the truth is, it quickly becomes exhausting and impossible to maintain. Little be little, people closer to me begin seeing that I am actually very shy and awkward. I'm also a little weird and crazy sometimes (in a good way!). I do not like large crowds. I enjoy people, but in small doses. And the only people that I feel comfortable being around in larger doses are those who I'm extremely close with. But I'm also learning that this is ok! I am ok. I am becoming more accepting of who I am. Now, it doesn't mean to just stop working on myself because “I am who I am”. I think we should always strive to be the best people we can be. But what it DOES mean, is that in the meantime, I am still lovable. I still have worth.
As far as my need for approval, it's still there. I don't think certain aspects of our personalities ever just go away completely. However, I have realized that sometimes you need to just let go of it. You need to focus on those who love and accept you, and not worry so much about those who don't. And I'm not saying it is an easy task. It can be very painful. But chasing after approval only leads to exhaustion. You're allowed to be kind to everyone; however, the people/relationships who you invest emotional energy into should be those who invest it back.
There are certain events in our lives that happen for a reason. They shake us to the core and they force us to wake up, and change old ways and habits. More often than not, they are uncomfortable or even painful, as they bring to light some of the parts of ourselves that most need changing. I had one of those events in autumn of 2018. It forced me to take an honest look at myself and see where I needed improvement. And, as it turned out, my area was honesty/vulnerability. Being honest with myself and others, being honest about my feelings, needs, fears, shortcomings, etc.
And it truly is a process. It's not some goal that you wake up one day and obtain. But I am thankful that I have started this journey. With each step, I feel more free. :)
