Healing the cracks, having hope, and welcoming in the fresh air of Fall
Two days ago marked the official beginning of Fall. I've always loved Fall, but the commencement of this one in particular felt like a huge exhale. Since- quite literally- the first day of summer until the end of it, life had been a roller coaster. And I was constantly holding my breath.
Over the last few years, I've experienced “spells” of depression, on and off. Life would feel grey. I would no longer feel passionate or motivated to do any of things I once loved. I wouldn't feel sad, per say, but there were certainly periods of time where I didn't feel happy. In the past, my personal remedy for this was to completely distract myself. I would throw myself into hobbies, projects or work. I would spend time, excessively, with other people. I would compulsively give my time and energy away, hoping that if I did, I would somehow “get it back”. I would go through the motions of daily life, but I wouldn't actually feel much.
This all changed this past spring/summer. I could feel one of these spells creeping up again. I hadn't felt that feeling since my step-father had passed away in February of 2018. This past June, my grandfather had also passed away, which very well may have had something to do with it. Around the onset of his health decline (late April-May), I began to feel a gradual change inside of me.
I was more worried and anxious. I began to feel irritable. I wasn't honest with myself. I was continuously “hungry” for love, even when I was receiving plenty of it. It didn't make sense to me. I felt like a china bowl with a crack in it- I was craving more and more, however, once I received it, it would slowly drain out. That temporary feeling of fulfillment would quickly dissipate, and I'd be left wanting more. But I was definitely was not giving. And I knew this.
This “crack” in my foundation had been there for years. Maybe I'd scotch tape it up (a quick fix), and then try to paint over that tape, pretending the crack wasn't there. But I never cared to fix it. I never had enough motivation to. Plus, I was afraid to. Because fixing it would mean embarking on a more time-consuming, difficult and unpleasant project. It is kind of like getting that car repair or going to that doctor's appointment. It is the kind of thing that you KNOW you need to do. You know that you could hurt yourself or others if you don't. You might even be terrified to. But you will never improve until you make that decision.
Everything changed in June. I finally felt a responsibility towards myself and those I love. I knew that I wasn't well. I didn't want to admit it, but I knew that I needed to do a huge load of inner work. I began to feel my depression creeping up, but for the first time, I felt like I had a reason to face it.
But deciding to seriously do that work was, by no exaggeration, one of the hardest and most painful decisions I have ever needed to make. Because I knew that it meant that I would need to be alone. I would need to face myself. I would need to be away from what (and who) was safe and comfortable. I would need to feel everything. And I was afraid of losing everything if I went on this inner journey.
Did I lose everything? Yes. Do I believe that “nothing changes if nothing changes”? Also yes.
When you make your intentions known, loud and clear, to the universe... it answers. There's no other way to explain it. My intention was to be healed. To be more honest, more considerate of others, more giving, and more loving. Unexpectedly, I received contact this summer from three half-siblings which I didn't know I had. I kid you not.
This led to conversations about family members, childhood events, and- ultimately- led to forgiveness. I began to accept myself. Old feelings of abandonment began to slowly change into gratitude. I began to understand what was at the root of many of my fear-based actions which I've had for years (people-pleasing, fear of being honest, fear of judgment or loss, etc.). And I actually started facing it and healing it. I felt loved. And loving. I began playing music and dancing again, got hired for a better job, and began to think about long-term dreams and ambitions. Of course, there were also moments where I felt sad, frustrated, regretful, etc. I guess when it comes to growth, it's a package deal. You need to be able to handle the good with the bad.
I was definitely a bit of a hermit for most of the summer, aside from small events/gatherings every now and then. I feel like I still kind of am! But I'm ok with that. I'll fully come out of my shell when the time feels right. :)
I'm not sure why things happen when they do. I'd like to think that any decision made with good intention ultimately benefits all in the end. At least that is all I can hope for. I believe that the universe is always conspiring in our best interest, for our hearts, our lives, and our happiness. I believe that there is still light at the end of the tunnel.
My hope is that- as crazy as this past summer was- this autumn will be, to the same measure, filled with peace. Peace that comes from being honest, being accepting- fully- of who I am (the good, the bad, and everything in between), and living each day as best as I can.
