#rens.thoughts

[adventuringblind]

I've been kidnapped (read: willingly lured in) and now am being held hostage (read: praised and called pet names) by @brokenthoughts814 and now I've been coerced (read: I begged and pleaded pathetically, real tears and whimpers) into co-writing a fic.

Do not send help. I fear it's too late for me. (Read: we're cooking and I'm writing some of the most insane smut ever. I'm exactly where I want to be.)

No in all honesty though PLEASE bother your local fanfic author because that's how I got to talking with Julie and turns out we're both kinky weirdos and like is great with kinky weirdo friends who think like you. Now I get the pleasure of writing with someone who i find is a phenomenal author and wouldn't have gotten the opportunity otherwise.

That being said... other works are a lil slow going because this fic we're writing is consuming me. I'm super excited to share it eventually! Maybe. If we're feeling nice, we'll share some of it 👀

[adventuringblind]

Since this has been a common theme in my inbox lately I thought it would be good to blanket post so I hopefully don't have to keep saying the same thing over and over again.

Recently, I've had some anons in my inbox, which could simply be rage bait, but for me as someone who is naturally a people pleaser and currently struggling a lot with imposter syndrome, it's not doing anything but making it hard to write. I would like to say that the shit people say doesn't affect me, but the truth is that I am a sensitive soul and it does. I've been ignoring it for a while now but this has been going on for a while now and I'm getting tired of it.

That being said: messages like 'bottom Oscar when?' and 'This would be better written with xyz dynamic' and 'I would've preferred submissive Oscar' all need to stop. There are more variations of this but I cleared out my inbox before deciding to write this up. If it comes up again I've been told to expose and straight up post screen shots. Hopefully this will stop that from happening again though.

I don't have an agenda. I firmly believe that we are just playing with paper dolls. How I play with mine is going to be different from how you play with yours. Furthermore, variety is a good thing! If we all wrote the same thing over and over again, I think it would be very boring of us as a fandom.

People are allowed to have preferences. I think that to try and police what other people enjoy because you want something different is uncalled for. Let me write what I want to in peace and if you don't like it, then don't read it.

[adventuringblind]

Me: I will not do two weeks worth of homework in a day!

Also me: I can't not do all the homework or I will die a slow and painful death because the fear of never getting it done weighs heavy on my chest.

Future me: why tf did I do all my homework for the next two weeks? Now I am bored because I have no life!

[adventuringblind]

Ranting to the wind but genuinely something i was worried about coming to guide dog training was that I can navigate really well in places that I know. I don't use a cane if I know the place well enough.

I thought I might be questioned or poked at because that's what I'm so used to. All the usual questions about if I'm actually blind or not.

But I've not gotten a single one. Only a couple questions that were curiosity because of conversation about how I see the world and the cause and I was given room to decline answering if I wanted. It's been such a change of pace that I'm scared to go back to the real world now after being in a school surrounded by people thar understand me.

I've waited six years to finally get a guide dog. To have more independence. But I feel like when I go back to work people will questions and I'll be treated differently because all the sudden my disability is being hidden. I'm using accommodations I should've been using earlier (like screen readers) when I was scared I'd be singled out. Blame it on trauma from previous jobs and me peers who did genuinely tell me I was lying and faking (my optic nerve scans say otherwise lol).

It's honestly ridiculous that people only believe what they can see and as someone who is blind, it's a wild concept to me. I shouldn't be this nervous to go home and have to deal with scrutiny. I shouldn't be unfair to prove anything.

[adventuringblind]

Life update: am learning to work with a guide dog and I have decided it's driving school for the visually impaired.

[adventuringblind]

Am I still dying? Yes. But lord am I trying.

Was in the ER on Friday (second time since november) and still I feel like nobody is taking me seriously.

Ranty, medical talk, complaining, me taking about weight and an eating disorder:

It's kind of insane that nobody jaw take me seriously despite apparently losing 17 pounds (7.7 kg) in a month?

I'm not supposed to know my weight. There was a point in time where I was fully grown (5'10" almost 11") and nearing 100 pounds. But because I lost so much weigh my doctor had to talk about it.

I've done three rounds of antibiotics since November, nobody checked my head when I went in after I hit the back of it on a metal bookshelf falling backwards, and the nausea and vomiting are ridiculous.

I feel miserable and have been sick for months and I'm so tired of it.

My mental health is in shambles, and my psych is trying to put my on anti psychotics and I refuse to be on those again when I know I would be fine on an anti anxiety med.

I know my body and I'm starting to feel crazy. Every new sypmton is passed off as heartburn.

I've been chronically ill since I was four. And everytime I've been to a doctor recently I get the 'you're to young to be dealing with that.' Okay, well, I'm 22 now and it's still happening. So get your shit together and tell me what's going on.

Sorry, needed to word vomit. 🫠

[adventuringblind]

Why didn't anyone tell me that getting a masters is hard? I swear my bachelor's was not this difficult.

I would like to be done now please! I just want to write about men who go vroom!

DEATH TO POWERPOINT PRESENTATIONS!

[adventuringblind]

Updates on fics might be spotty because my health is in shambles again.

Can't keep things down (still), my sinuses are still bad that we are on round two of antibiotics in a month, and I'm so tired I can't actually do things.

I'm so done with my body.

I'll try to get stuff out still, but I can't day there will be anything consistent for a while.

Fingers crossed this works and I get some answers on why the hell this is happening to me.