Banana Cake
"Oh wow, I've never seen vegan banana cake!" I was in a strange city. I was worn ragged after a long day of socializing with co-workers I rarely saw in person. Overall, things were going well. Even then I had a ton of health constraints, food allergies and reactions to the environment that made travel much more difficult. I can't travel at all anymore. This was one of the last times I did before disability and chronic illness shuttered those doors. There was still that sense of being unsafe in a strange environment that didn't come from being chronically ill. Instead, it came from being queer. Last time I'd traveled for work I'd been accosted simply because of my hair cut. Sometimes, I couldn't even identify how people knew. It was always hard packing for trips. Is this outfit too visibly queer? Do I care? Am I putting my workplace at risk by putting MYSELF at risk? I was in a big chain grocery store looking for food for the evening. Glancing over the baked goods int heir little clamshells. Vegan. Banana. Cake. "It's really good! We do usually stock it but it sells out most days." A store employee labeling bread into the case next to me said. Our eyes met. I registered the stickers they'd chosen for their name badge. The haircut. I felt immediate recognition and could see it in their eyes too. Queer person to queer person. Even though I was stealthing as hard as I could, they saw me. "Very cool," I said, "We don't get this in stores where I am from. I love cream cheese frosting but am allergic to dairy..." "Here," They grabbed one boxed slice of the banana cake and overrode the price tag with a red SALE sticker in from their wand. "I hope you stay safe in [their city]." They recommended a gay bar to me. A cafe nearby lodgings I could relax at. They smiled that smile and winked that wink queer people sometimes have for each other. The one that feels like a hushed 2am conversation during a sleepover with friends. I wish I could have told them in that moment that they would change me forever. In a small way, but significant. A pebble on the scale of my life that would start to tip things a new direction. In a way that made me come out to my work as trans and change my name. In a way that I kept allowing more of myself out into the world despite decades spent in the closet. Because queerness isn't defined by fear. It's really defined by connection to something that is inherently human. Community and solidarity and even joy in the face of oppression and bigotry. Yeah, it's imperfect. But humans are imperfect and messy and wrong sometimes too... and that's just part of the chaos that is life. And that night I sat on my uncomfortable B&B bed and ate spiced, vegan, 80% off, banana cake. And thought "somebody saw me" and remembered all the other times people saw me. I'll remember how that tasted for the rest of my life.