Jan 31, 2015
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Having the same birthday as your style idol #priceless #rickihall #rickifuckinghall @rickifuckinhall #epic #instagood #instadaily #bearded #beard #style #igers
Caffeine and Cigarettes - Chapter 8
CHAPTER 8
~~~ Alright Aran, here goes nothing ~~~~
It was my day off personal training, and as we had to fire the new girl the café needed a barista. Rose was off being Grimmy’s personal assistant for the day, and here I was stuck in cold then very hot café. Order after order, and I stopped looking at the faces. I didn’t begrudge Rose for working really hard at the Radio station and Tom was the new voice at 1am – 4am in the morning everyone’s schedules was hecktic and all I saw was Simon sometimes. We started taking different clients to expand and bring in more people.
While I worked I thought of my clients. I loved helping people. It was healing for myself and for them. The more I brought them back to their true selves, the more I felt myself getting better, feeling stronger. I woke up daily feeling bits of myself I’d thought I’d lost coming back together. My humor, it used to be just hallow, but now I actually felt laughter bubbling up within myself. I used to skip by comedy shows now I loved watching them. I could listen to happy music and actually feel happy, not just the show I put on for Rose. I could listen to sad music and watch traumatic shows and not feel triggered. I was healing. I had five clients. They were all a little crazy but they had big hearts and a lot of determination, which I loved. Their hard work made me want to work hard. Their struggles became my struggles and I wanted to help them as much as they helped me.
“Hullo Em,” I knew that voice by instinct. It seemed I’d never really forgot, the happy lilt to his voice, and the way it was slightly muffled because of his beard.
“Aidan,” looking up into his face I feel flutters in my stomach toward him like I’d never had for Jasper. I realized the difference between admiration and crushing now. I was crushing hard on Aidan and that little modeling tattooed punk didn’t even know. “What can I get for you today?”
“An coffee please, with a shot in the dark.” Aidan smiled and rambled on about how New York didn’t make their espresso’s quite like a blue eyed barista he knew in London. My back was turned and he didn’t see me smiling. Turning my smile faded, I wanted to gage if he really wanted to see me, or if he was just being friendly.
“Here you are, so you liked New York then?” I said handing him his coffee.
“Yes, but I missed a couple things from London,” Aidan replied slower than his usual fast pace.
“Like what?” Turning and cleaning the espresso machine I couldn’t stop my heart beating faster. Dammit. My body giving me away.
“The voices, the politeness, or the dry humor, and, well, this girl.”
Looking over my shoulder I saw him rubbing at his beard nervously. Grinning I faced him. He saw my grin and slowly under the beard started grinning at me, “tell me about this girl then,” I said ducking my head to hide my blush.
“She’s just a little thing, quite small, with the bluest eyes I’ve seen, but maybe they’re not that blue, it’s just when she looks at me I feel very alive. Very human. And we never officially went on a date, but I’d really like to ask her out for dinner if that’s alright?” Fuck his stupid eyes. Fuck his stupid beautiful smile. And especially fuck that beard.
“Depends what this girls name is,” I mumbled looking at the counter top.
Tattooed hands enveloped mine. “She happens to be looking at the counter and I can’t see her pretty eyes right now.”
Looking up, at first slowly, uncertain, then more confidently. I felt my fears behind me waiting to envelope me, but I didn’t want to go back there. I couldn’t. I’d come so far. “Pretty eyes says yes.” Gulping I couldn’t believe I’d had the balls to just say that.
“Wonderful, I will get you tonight at 8?”
Not being able to say anything I just nodded.
Aidan walked away turning to grin at me. After he left I turned to the chef Joe in the back, “Joe could you watch the café for a minute?”
“Sure lass, what’s wrong?” Joe walked forward his big hands fluttering. Joe was the kindest, humblest man I knew, Christina was right to hire him.
“Nothing Joe need a wee!” I ran to the bathroom and silently screamed for a little. Then collecting myself I finished out my shift.
When Rose came home that evening, I was in a state of panic. I had nothing to wear, and my hair wouldn’t curl, and my make up wouldn’t be even. It was a disaster.
“Home!” Rose called throwing her keys on the table and hanging her purse on a hook.
“ROSE!” I yelled lying on the bed in a state of giving up.
“What? What’s wrong? What? What? Oh goodness! I shouldn’t work so hard, I should be here for you. Oh please tell me everything is okay. Please just tell me – oh.” Rose had ran into the room seeing me sprawled on the bed. “Everything alright?”
“NO! I HAVE A DATE TONIGHT. Aidan asked me out. Really asked me out! I’m so scared, and happy, and have nothing to wear, everything looks silly.” Removing the arm that was covering my face, I said, “Rose I need your skills immediately.”
Rose breathed deeply. Then she pointed at a chair. “Sit.” I sat. She rummaged through our shared wardrobe and dug through everything. She threw a lace brown crop top at me then, a pair of black skinny jeans, and cute black heels. It was perfect that we had the same size feet. Then taking off her black leather jacket she loved, she handed it to me. “You need it more than I do right now.”
Having putting on the items as she threw them too me I hugged her and a few happy tears leaked out.
“We have to fix that. You’re beautiful without all this crap.” Rose sat me down again, and getting out a make up wipe-off cloth she wiped away all my hard work, leaving my eyebrows and black lids with mascara. “Just add a touch of red and you’re good to go babe!” She smiled at me over the mirror. I cheesily grinned back. I couldn’t help myself. I could feel myself becoming happier the more I thought of Aidan and let him into my life.
Walking downstairs to meet him I felt so nervous I could pee my pants. Aidan was leaning against a small car when I stepped outside looking around thinking maybe he hadn’t come. I saw him before he saw me. Black pants, with a white shirt and suspenders, with a jean jacket it was dorky enough to look hot. He wore the boots he always wore, worn, torn, and loved. His tattooed hands held the cigarette shakily, and drawing it to his lips the red lit up his face for a second. It was stern, thoughtful, and sexy. His brown eyes made contact with mine, and I forgot how to breathe.
Standing here in the dark, my wards seemed to have dropped away, and I felt like he could see me. All of me. Ruined, beaten, and mending. A mess that maybe wasn’t so ugly after all.
I smiled because I didn’t know what else to do.
Aidan chuckled deep in his throat, and then began to laugh. “Emily you look stunning. I’ve never lost my breath before, but now I have.”
So honest.
His words winded me. Me, stunning. I made a mental note to thank Rose, but I don’t think that was his point. “You don’t look terrible I guess,” I laughed trying to find my breath. It didn’t work. My heart was beating like it should be in cardiac arrest and my eyes hadn’t left his. “Are we going somewhere?” Pointing to the car, so small I wondered how he fit in there.
“Yes,” Aidan said opening up my door for me, and closing it as I sat down. “We’re going to have the best pancakes around.”
“Isn’t it a little late for pancakes?” I asked laughing.
“It’s never late for pancakes,” Aidan chuckled again. He grabbed my hand and our intertwined fingers sat there in the middle of the car. I think he held my hand just out of instinct but whatever the reason, the fear, the guilt, and regret I felt seemed a little bit further behind me. With every step I took with Aidan, I saw my past being nailed down just as that, the past. Alright to look at, explain to those who needed to hear, but never controlling me ever again.
When we got to the restaurant it seemed closed. The open sign wasn’t on, and there were only a couple older cars but parked way down the street.
“Aidan what if they’re closed?” I asked nervous for him.
“They aren’t closed, they just aren’t open to anyone but us.” Aidan answered parking. It took a second to register his answer. I felt overwhelmed, and cared for all at once. I focused on getting out of the car, instead of my racing heart.
When walking inside I felt as though I’d walked into a fifties diner back at home. The familiar smell of fries, and the red leather booths greeted us. Light up pictures of Elvis and Marylin and license plates from the states were on the walls. A women was standing at the hostess podium was wearing a poodle skirt and knee high socks with a cardigan and the rimmed glasses and red RED lipstick. “Aidan love, you sweetheart you took your time love, I was about to tell Charlie pack up, he’s been outta luck, but look here she is.” The woman pulled her glasses down her nose and surveyed me. “She’s so small Aidan, you should have brought her here earlier.”
“Patty I’ve only been here for a day!” Aidan protested.
“Aidan!” A gruff voice said from the back, “Lad you’ve come back to us, your mother and I thought we’d lost you to those cameras.”
“I’m a model da it’s what I do” Aidan embarrassedly scratched the back of his neck. Looking at him looking at the floor I couldn’t help but put my hand in his, to reassure him.
“Well, I’m sure glad you’re back lad, you’re brother could use all the help he can get in the machanics down the road if you have the time.” Charlie I’m assuming gruffly said to me, “Lass sit down, where’s Patty’s manners. The missus gets worried when it comes to Aidan’s life. You see he’s never brought any girls here.”
“Really?” I said, picking up a menu from the podium, and seeing the way Patty was lecturing Aidan I picked up two and followed Charlie to a booth. “Can I ask you something Charlie?” I said, feeling at home with these two bickering figures, and in this out of place diner.
“Of course lass!” Charlie said, his brown eyes wide.
“Do you have milkshakes here or only pancakes?”
Charlie threw back his head and laughed and laughed. Aidan seeing this walked over and sat down across from me. Patty followed with our silverware and glasses of water.
“She’s a great one Aidan I’m glad you brought her.” Charlie said clapping his son on the back, and walking back into the kitchen. “Let me know when you’re ready I’ll be in the back with your da,” Patty said kindly, following Charlie threw the double doors to the kitchen.
“You’ve never brought another girl here?” I asked Aidan in disbelief. With his beautiful beard, tattoos, eyes, and unbelievable wit I was surprised it wasn’t a weekly accourance.
“You’re the only one.” Aidan looked at his colorful hands. “I know the menu by heart you didn’t need to grab me a menu.”
“I was being nice,” I said rolling my eyes and picking his up. “Alright I will quiz you then!”
Aidan dropped me off later that evening, wanting to take it slow and let my heart learn to love again, I leaned across the car and placed a kiss right above his beard. It scratched my chin though, and I couldn’t stop touching the pink on my cheek and smiling like a child all the way up to the flat.
Rose was sitting on the couch with a bottle of wine in front of her, turning when she heard me open the door. “Well?” She demanded, her eyes a little pink and bloodshot from the empty bottle of wine in the recycling. The one in front of her was her second.
“Mare I really like him. Like really like him.” My face hurt but I couldn’t stop smiling. Rose sighed and grinned. “I’m living through right now, so you know.” She hiccupped.
Concerned I helped her get up and directed her to bed with a cup of water. I laid in bed for hours going over every perfect detail of his face, the way his eyes crinkled in surprise when I kissed him on the cheek and the pink on my chin.
Training was going well, and the girl I was working with today Kelsey was doing better than she had all week. Panting she stopped to tell me about the boy she was crushing on, while she was talking Simon came in and pulled me away (quite rudely too!). “Do a couple squats and drink some water Kelsey!” I called over my shoulder.
“What the fuck Si?” I quietly asked him “Kelsey was really bonding with me just now.”
“Toms proposed and I said yes,” Simon said quickly.
I screamed.
Then I jumped up and down.
Bursting into tears I choked, “I’m so happy for you! Si! Come here you twat,” Pulling him into a hug I felt tears on my neck, I smiled, glad to know I wasn’t the only one crying. “Have you told Rose?” I asked.
“Toms asking her to help plan it,” Simon told me, setting me down.
Wiping away tears I called over my shoulder as I walked back to my client. “Celebration tonight yea?” “Yea!” Simon called back grinning.
That night I dressed up a little bit. Wearing heels, and a little black dress that Rose called my 90’s dress. I grabbed a jean jacket and put on a little red lipstick. Rose looked like a goddess with blonde curled hair, gold around her eyes, making the green pop, a AC/DC ripped shirt with tiny shorts you could see every curve of her curvy legs. She finished off the look with knee high black socks and her combat boots.
“Rose looking hot girl!” I said grabbing my phone and taking a picture tweeting it immediately. Going out with this bombshell!
“No you look beautiful,” Rose grinned. “To be honest Em, I’m still hungover from that wine, Wuthering Heights cannot be watched sober, so I think I’m not going to drink that much.” She admitted to me laughing.
“You always say that then get pissed.”
“You’re right” Rose groaned. “Okay, I’m going to get pissed.”
“There it is!” I laughed. “Lets go!” We ran downstairs and caught a cab to the bar Tom and Simon told us to meet at.
“Ladies!” Tom trilled, “glad you could make it, what with all our busy schedules.” He coughed, “mainly mine, but I don’t brag.”
Simon punched him in the shoulder as Rose and I laughed, the Ace team (what we jokingly called ourselves it seemed ages ago) was back on track. “What can I get you to drink?” Simon asked kindly. A little to kindly, looking up into his puppy dog idiot face I realize the boys were trashed already.
“Double scotch please,” I asked.
“Double whiskey!” Rose yelled.
“Neat!” We both clarified. Looking at eachother we began to laugh.
A couple more of these in, and everyone was smiling and laughing as though we’d never been apart. A large tattooed hand fell on my shoulder, “Em!” His quick happy voice cascaded over me, and I was on a seventh heaven. If there was such a place.
“Aidan?” Turning and grinning I saw his beared face peering down at me.
“Lets dance!” Rose yelled to Tom and Simon who got up and left us with wiggly eyebrows and cheeky laughs.
“That’s me, love.” He said sitting down next to me. “What are you drinking?”
“Double whiskey, neat,” I slurred. Maybe I should have had this fourth one, too late now.
“That’s a lot of alcohol, you alright?” He reached up and cupped my face looking into my eyes. His brown chocolate eyes seemed to clarify something in my mind. Taking it slow snapped, and shattered around my ears. I grabbed his hand and clung to it. “Never better” I answered smiling into his face as I intertwined our fingers together. “Perfect actually.” I corrected. “Well not completely.” I amended.
Aidan laughed at my indecision.
“No Aidan there are things you should know about me.” I said earnestly. “Because I’m in, I’m all in, and I think you should know how messed up I was when you met me, and how much better I am now, okay?” I said it all really fast and wasn’t sure how much he caught. Aidan’s other hand came up to cup my face again stroking my cheek and smiling, looking down he said, “I don’t care.”
“Wait what?”
“I don’t care if you’re an alien or satan, I don’t care if you have three legs, I don’t care what your past held. Em, since I met you and looked into those fucking blue eyes, I didn’t much care about anything but you.” Aidan said, still looking down.
It was my turn to lift his chin up so that he was looking at me.
“You don’t care I’m fagile and could break at any moment but have the complex of a proud feminist who doesn’t think to ask for help?” I asked my heart in my mouth, fluttering, not breathing.
“You’re the stongest, most beautiful soul I’ve ever met.” Aidan said his brown eyes burning into mine, “So fuck no.”
“Come here,” I demanded.
“What?” He seemed confused.
Taking to long I leaned toward him and kissed him slowly, carefully on his lips, his beard scratching my face. I felt him breathe in sharply. Then his hands came behind my back and pulled me into him so fast I didn’t breathe, the careful kiss deepened and I couldn’t hear anything, but the beating of my own heart, racing. Minutes later we got up and left. I didn’t say goodbye to anyone, I felt they knew where we were off to.
On the curb waiting for the cab to come, Aidan turned to me and said, “this is it Blue, this is the moment.”
“What moment?” breathless, and fighting the feeling that I was on top of the world.
“The moment before infinity. If I go down this path with you it’s going to fuck me over with anyone else.” Aidan turned to stare at the sky, muttering, “wish I had a cig”
“Why would there be anyone else?”
“You might leave London,”
“You left London!”
“Yes, but you may have to go home.”
“That’s not home anymore. This is my new home.”
“Really?”
“yes.”
“Will you come home with me?” Aidan said still not looking at me. It was infuriating I decided, and the breathless left me for annoyed, cold and cross that he didn’t realize how ‘all in’ I was.
“Aidan I was all in when you kissed me on that street corner ages ago. I was all in when you left for New York. I just admitted I was minutes ago and you’re doubting me? Unacceptable.” I walked around him and lightly tugged on his beard making him look down at me. “Yes I’m coming back to your place you silly tattooed idiot.”
A grin split across his face and my heart melted. Aidan laughed. I grinned cheesily back. “Then what are we waiting for? My cars in the back.”
“You mean – “ I spluttered, “It’s so cold – are you – you tattooed, bearded, tall,” with that Aidan swooped me up into his very strong arms and carried me to his car. I berried my head in the crook of his neck for the entire journey. (maybe a minute?)
Aidan opened the car door, “here to infinity, love” I jumped in without looking back.
~~~Hope you liked it Aran!~~~
Caffeine and Cigarettes - Chapter 7
~~~ ARAN! It’s been a while I know! I’m going to switch up the gears a little bit, and try from the boys perspective a couple months later.. we shall see if I can do it!~~~
Going on tour was always a fun experience for me. It amazed and humbled me, how much our fans supported us. I was always proud that our bands fans weren’t crazy and never got us up to Beyonce or Rihanna status but they always sold out our shows and always came to our hotel parties afterwards. Singing on stage never scared or embarrassed me. Coming naturally along with the rest of the boys. The five of us had been friends since I could remember and always had ‘band practice’ which turned into an excuse to play football in the back yard. James was back up vocalist, whom the girls adored. James was sassy with bright blue eyes, and a easy laugh. Nick was the base player and another vocalist, having a swooning high voice he helped us cover songs we wouldn’t have dared to without his help. His olive skin and many tattooes won over girls hearts, and made him uncomfortably popular at parties. Then Sam and Jared. Sam was Irish, moving to London when he was little was still always treated like an outsider with our group. He was on the drums and never failed to get a lady at the end of every show. Jared was the proper one who always listened to the rules, but Nick and James had been converting him. Jared played guitar with myself, and we all sang when it came down to it. Proper mates we were.
Tour was different this time though. My head wasn’t in it, as the boys kept telling me. But I knew my heart wasn’t either. I felt like a proper idiot, liking this girl I’d only seen a couple times. I just couldn’t shake the feeling I had when I was with her. It was beyond easy to get mad at her. When I had to walk her home when she was pissed drunk I almost punched in a wall. I wanted to do anything but hurt her but somehow that’s all I did. When Nick asked if I wanted to come with him to get his arm finished, I joined in absent mindedly, then seeing a picture on the wall of a past tattoo pulled out my wallet and joined him on the table. It was these hands coming together. Not all the way, but that moment before. That moment girls hold onto in the movies. I felt that those hands were that damned girl and I. That anticipated pregnant moment.
The pain of the needle was a nice distraction, and always having a high pain tolerance I joked with Nick while our tattoos were finished up. Nick also having a high pain tolerance laughed with me, while we were saran rapped and walked to get coffee before getting ready for that nights show.
“Come off it Ollie you’re not thinking of her again?” Nick’s voice cutting through my thoughts.
“Just thinking about your perfect eyes gorgeous,” I smirked. Receiving a harsh smack to the back of my head almost knocking my beanie to the ground. “Ouch, love don’t hit!”
“You need to be with someone tonight mate. It’s the only way to get your head back on tour mindset.” Nick said pulling a cigarette from his packet and handing one to me. I didn’t smoke usually, but this blonde forced me more than I was willing to admit.
“I don’t know mate,” I sighed.
“Stop being so angst, it’s annoying and you’re bringing down the other boys.” Nick snapped. Nick was always the most calm, chill of all the boys so hearing him snap made me realize I’d found the line.
“Alright mate, you have to find a hot one for me then,” pretending to be excited.
“What should she look like man?” Nick clapped his hands on my shoulders grinning, excited to have his mate back.
“Anything but blonde with green eyes.”
~~~**~~~
After the performance Sam was singing to a blonde number he had met at the show, and Nick was scanning the room whilst handing me a beer. James walked over with a couple giggling girls. “Ollie they want your signature please,” James asked glancing at my beer and sulking off to find one of his own. For some reason people thought I was the “most attractive” bloke, but that was absurd.
“Hullo” I said to the girls who merely giggled in response. Sighing I grabbed a couple napkins and got out a pen from Nicks pocket. “What’s your name?”
The girls eyes widened, they were green, not the green like hers but it was a blow none the less. “Hanna” She gasped. “And what’s yours?” I looked at the other one who had blonde hair. It was dyed and fake, I breathed easy. “Grace!” “Alright ladies here you go.” I handed them the napkin with their names and mine on it. Jumping up and down the rushed away to tell their friends.
“Alright, what about that one?” Nick points at a girl talking to Jared, she has dark skin with long dreads and is wearing black shorts and a small black top. She’s completely out of my league but I shrug and finish my beer and walk over to say hello. I just wanted Nick off my back and she seemed nice. “Hullo Jared,” I said clapping my friend on the back. “Ollie hullo! This is Laura, Ollie.”
“Laura, nice to meet you,” I shook her hand and smiled. She had very even white teeth it was distracting. Shades of pink lipstick like hers should be illegal. I couldn’t stop staring and blushed and stared at the ground. “Hi Ollie,” she said, her voice smooth and sure of itself. “How’s tonight so far?”
“It’s well, Laura it’s going well, and yourself?”
Laura giggled, “I’m doin’ alright. I’m actually about to leave so I’m glad I got to say hello before that.”
“What!? You can’t leave!” Jared protested outraged.
“Can I walk you home?” I offered scratching the back of my neck.
“I actually brought my car but you can walk me out, if you like,” Laura said smiling.
Those teeth.
“Alright then.” I smiled and offered my arm as if from the old movies.
Laura threw back her head and laughed, taking my arm and leaving a very red and angry Jared.
Walking Laura to her car I thought what if I kissed her? What if she wanted more? Did I want to? Sure it was an easy distraction I’d always been happy to confront before but because of blondie it seemed different. Lauren turned sharply stopping me in my tracks. Going up on her tip toes she kissed me.
“I thought so,” She said after a couple minutes.
“What?” I said my mind very clear and happy for the first time in ages.
“You’re in love with someone aren’t you?”
Looking into her eyes the brown that the were at the party seemed to dim. Understanding hit. One type sees someone from their own kind.
“I think so, but she’s out of my reach right now.” I mumbled. Suprisingly honest.
“The girl I love is lost to me. And I fell in love with a sweet boy after her and he left me. I’m about done with love.” Laura mused. Seeing my face, she laughed. “Come on I know a great 24 hour coffee place.”
Sitting across from Laura I watched her stir her coffee. I was never more interested in a person that I was before her. She licked her spoon and then glanced at me. Putting her hands in her lap she said to me, “I think we can be mutually beneficial to eachother.”
“Can we?” I asked.
“Yes.”
We finished our coffee in silence and then drove to my room and said nothing more of love. Laura kept me laughing. And I kept the crinkles at her eyes, so I guess I made her laugh to. We were each others distractions and I was never more happy to meet someone new.
~~~**~~~
Sitting in a quite café writing in my journal I looked up as a sudden idea sprang to mind. I always had ideas running through my head, I often felt inspiration. I loved art, maybe that’s why I covered my body with it. A face floated in front of me and I found myself sketching it down. If I didn’t it would haunt me for ages. Getting the eye right was tricky because I could never tell if they were happy or lost in sad memories. I wanted stroke the bags away that were under those eyes. I hated the name Jasper. I modeled with a chap the other day and couldn’t describe the loathing and hatred I felt toward him.
“She’s pretty,” the barista told me, setting down my black Americano.
“I made her up, love, but thanks,” I smiled at the middle aged woman with purple hair.
“Those eyes though,” she commented, typical New Yorker never keeping thoughts to themselves. “They look so haunted. Is she a survivor of some sort?”
“No –“ And then I looked at Emily. Really looked.
The puzzle pieces fell into place. The way she was so scared. The way she clutched her stomach. The way she didn’t want to hear about my past.
I scribbled by her face “Be my friend, hold me, wrap me up, unfold me, I am small and needy, warm me up and breathe me.” The lyrics were from an artist I scoffed as being silly to my younger sister. Yet Sia’s lyrics made so much sense for Emily. On the other side I wrote, “Don’t patronize me. Cause I can’t make you love me, If you don’t, you can’t make your heart feel something it won’t, here in the dark.” Bon Iver was a constant source of inspiration to me, and by her face the pieces came together.
It didn’t make me like her less, it made me like her more.
I looked up out at the moving, breathing streets of Mathatten. I loved the city with it’s loud, unapologetic people, going to a million places at once. It was like an animal, no matter the hour there was a store open, and people walking, it didn’t matter what you looked like. Having always experienced people looking at me, in the quite part of London that I was raised in, here no one looked twice. I missed the kind cabby drivers, and pursed lips of London. London was always home for me, but this city was a welcome distraction.
I kept in touch with Rose, because like it or not she was a great friend and reminded me a lot of my sister. My sister Tammy was volunteering in Uganda and was unable to communicate with me for the past couple of years. I missed the conversations we’d have.
According to Rose, Emily and herself were trying to move on. Get themselves together before boys and the feelings that brought. The café was going well, in fact they were hiring new people because Emily was assistant life coach for Simon and Rose was assistant for Tom interviewing for the radio journalist blog type thing he did. I was happy for Rose. Emily still pained me. I’d never know what I did wrong.
One night alone in New York I called Rose.
“Hullo?” the groggy tone told me it was hours before she had to be up.
“Rose, can I ask you just one thing?”
“Aidan love, you have to start better timing.” Grumbled Rose.
“Do you think I ever had a chance with Emily?”
I heard her intake of breath.
“Love, I think you still have lots of chances. Emily has been through a real hardship and one day you’ll know about it. You were just too new and too good to be real.”
“She told me once ‘how dare I be human’” I laughed quietly nursing my whiskey.
“Sounds like Em,” Rose murmured. “Listen love, you’ve got to call when I can think properly alright?”
“Of course Mare,” I said quickly.
“What?”
“Of course.”
“No what did you call me?” She asked, a new tone in her voice I couldn’t place.
“Mare, just because I assumed your name was Rosemary and Rosie is childish, and I thought everyone called you that so I called you Mare, is that alright?”
“Yea,”
“Why?”
“Only Em calls me that.”
Warmth filled my heart even miles away.
“I’d better let you go love,” I said.
“Night Aidan,”
“Morning Rose.”
~~~***~~~
I woke up groggy because Aidan had called me that night. Of course he would the night before one of Tom and I’s biggest days. We were both assistants for the BBC1 radio station and today we were helping with phone calls. It was a step up for Tom and a huge step up for me. I’d only been Tom’s assistant and then Grimmy heard me sass Tom and I had a job at the BBC1.
Rolling out of bed I saw Emily in the living room doing crunches.
“Ugh,” I groaned. Even seeing working out this early in the morning made me cringe.
“You really should be working out with me Mare, the endorphins are addicting!” Emily smiled.
“No thank you!” I called setting down a tea cup for myself hearing my phone ring in the other room. “Why!” I groaned. Running to the other room I picked up the phone. “Yes?”
“Rose they need us at BBC1 in minutes!” Tom shrieked at me through the receiver.
“Okay Tom let me get dressed and I will be in a cab in two minutes!”
Grabbing my makeup bag I rushed into a dress, blazer and clunky heels because they were at the front of my closet and took the least amount of work.
“Aren’t you going to have your tea?” Emily called.
“No time!” Brushing my teeth.
“Oh and Emily, we have to fire the new girl she’s been rubbish and Christine tells me the sales have been dropping because of her.”
“When I’m back?” I asked hopping around the apartment trying to find everything.
“Of course just wanted you to know that it’s going to happen at like 8pm okay? Also I want dinner take out from Nando’s pick me up something?”
“You’re the worst!” I yelled slamming the door.
“Love you bitch!” I heard as I ran down the stairs.
Running into the studio, which was very tricky because of my heels, I felt a little wobbly. The months when Emily and I were café girls had flown by. I almost hadn’t noticed but our year was slowly coming to an end. My parents called almost everyday as well as Emily’s wondering when we would return to the States. Emily nor I wanted to go back. London was slowly becoming a part of my heart, and I didn’t want to let go just yet.
Grabbing the tray of teas I’d made for everyone I ran/hobbled really to the front of the studio where Grimmy was signing off and Tom was answering phones like mad.
Grimmy turned to me saying, “Rosie what do I have next in my schedule?” Taking my tea and sipping while passing another cup to Finchey he continued, “I fired my last temp she was horrible, and never had anything due on time. You can pick up the slack yea?”
I looked to Tom. This was the job he wanted, this was the man he’d lusted after from the moment we were hired, and here he was offering me a job.
“What about Tom?”
“Tom is going to become an anchor in a month he didn’t tell you?” Grimmy laughed.
“What? Oh, ah, well then yes, Grimmy I’d love to.” I hid my anger and hurt that Tom wouldn’t tell me by moving the tray to my desk. “Today Grimmy you have a couple interviews, some phone calls by the boys in The Greys,” I gulped seeing Ollies name in print for 1pm. “Want me to tell you the order? I can just do it in a note that you can read while talking about the news later today?”
“Rosie you’re perfect I love that idea. Now off you scamper I want that song from that one show, in about ten if that’s alright?”
“Grims which show?”
“The reality one with the song like dah, dom, DOMM!”
“Oh the cooking one?”
“Yes! Rosie nine minutes off you pop love!”
The rest of the day went by in a blur. One moment stuck out when I was in the studio giving Grimmy his second cup of tea, and he was talking with Ollie on the phone.
“Now tell me Ollie, any girls in your life?”
“Grimmy,” Ollie whined, in his slow voice I didn’t realize I missed till I heard it. “I don’t really know. There’s a girl, but she doesn’t like me.”
“Doesn’t like Ollie from The Greys? Is she mad?” Grimmy exclaimed delighted for the controversy on the show.
“She has more important things than me I guess.” Ollie mumbled.
“Moving on then!” Grimmy chuckled at Ollies pain, “Which shows are coming up?”
“Two more and then I’m back home, so in a week.” Ollie said.
“Does this mean you’re going to try and find this girl and convince her she’s wrong?” Grimmy asked quickly.
“Nick Grimshaw I think so,” Ollie said slowly as if he’d started smiling.
I gasped and almost dropped Nicks tea, instead I spilled it all over my hands and shoes.
“Rosie,” Nick complained.
“Rosie?” Ollie asked. “Grimmy is the Rosie you’re talking to blonde, with lovely curves and forest green eyes looking at you?”
I audibly gulped.
Grimmy laughed, “She is! Is she a friend of yours Ollie?”
“I guess yea, could I talk to her for a second?” Ollie asked.
“Be my guest! Sit here Rosie” Nick Grimshaw happily instructed.
“Hullo Rose?” Ollie asked, the pain and uncertainty clear in his voice.
I really hadn’t meant to cut him out so completely. It seemed the safest bet for me, but now hearing his voice I knew I’d gotten no where. I still really liked that murky green eyed, curly haired, tattooed boy.
“Ollie? Good to hear your voice.” I said shakily.
“The same could be said for you Rose.” I jumped a little. Ollie never called me Rose. Never. I’d hurt him.
“Tell me then, how was the tour? Did the boys drive you mental?”
“The boys were great, and the girls were fantastic.”
My breath caught in my throat. He was trying to hurt me now, and it was working. I couldn’t let my boss know that so I said cheerily, “Isn’t that the dream then?”
“Yea, the dream.” Ollie sounded tired now.
“Oliver, I will hand you over to Grimmy now, it’s been lovely talking with you.”
“No Rosie – I – “ I passed the headphones back to Grimmy and bolted.
“Ollie she’s run away!” Grimmy said sounded surprised. “What have you done Ollie?”
“It what she’s done to me,” I heard Oliver say mournfully before I pushed open the ladies door room and break into tears.
I’d really missed him. And I guess I still really liked him. Shit. Shit.
I dialed the number without thinking.
“Mare? What’s up?” Aidan’s light voice answered groggily.
“Nothing much I just realized I really care about this silly boy. It’s stupid really.” I sobbed.
“Oh love, it’ll be okay. I’m actually in a taxi on my way to the airport I’m coming back to London!” Aidan sounded more excited than I’d heard in months. “And I’ve decided, I’m going to make Em want me, I’m not going to give up Mare I just can’t.”
“That’s --- really” I choked.
“Got to go the taxi’s at the airport!” Aidan disconnected.
I needed to call Emily.
~~~***~~~
Sorry there wasn’t as much Emily but as you can see some wooing is on it’s way! Chapter 8 and 9 are going to get a little steamyyyyyy
Caffeine and Cigarettes - Chapter 6
~~~Okay Aran here ya go!~~~
Blinking my eyes and rubbing away the crusties I peered through swollen eyes at the ceiling. Last night Rose was right. In pushing my pain to the back of my mind and blocking it out only made remembering it worse. Fear crept into my brain, what if I was never able to get over this? What if fear would control my life? Then I remembered the lightness with Aidan. Even the times with Jasper hadn’t been as chemical. No matter the reason I stayed with Jasper I had to be strong for Rose now. She’d never lost anything in her life. No wonder she cared after Simon and Tom so well, and had no problem with them staying in the flat for the past month when they were supposed to move out. Maybe I should get a counselor? I thought. I didn’t really have that kind of money at the moment because all of what we made was put into the café.
Thinking of the café I groaned and rolled out of bed. Knowing about Rose gave me a goal. I would be strong for Rose because I couldn’t be strong for myself. It hurt to much to try. Looking at Rose now I remembered asking her to London. It was a passing thought other friends who knew nothing about the pain with Jasper I had asked first and they’d all turned me down. I knew that she would keep my secret and so I tried to persuade her, after that afternoon run, she seemed keen to leave and we did without a second thought. This morning seeing her softly snoring I knew she would be more of a family than I had. I grabbed a sweater out of my hamper and pulled it on. Checking the clock it was only 6:30am. The café opened late on Monday’s thankfully, at 8:00am. This gave me plenty of time to throw together a batch of chocolate oatmeal scones and some oatmeal and raisin cookies until the real pastry chef Joe would come in at 9am.
Jumping into jeans and putting my hair up, I dug around for a bandana and clopped downstairs. I start the coffee pot, and ground some fresh grounds for the espresso machine. Checking to see if all the teas were full, I then went into the kitchen and started measuring all of the ingredients. My mind became calm with the baking. My thoughts turned to Jasper, and instead of cringing, I imagined I was Rose with her stern face and the baseball bat. I sorted through memories, scanning to find when and where I’d started blaming myself for Jasper treating me that way. It was around the same time I faded into myself and was a cutout version of myself with my other friends.
Really scrutinizing I realized I’d stopped seeing myself as worthy of love. I thought that Jasper was all there was. And since I’d given him my heart and soul I thought I was trapped. Rose had shown me I was wrong. Smiling at the progress I’d made I jumped at the sound of the timer and pulled out the cookies and scones. Putting them in the clear case, I then ran upstairs to wake Rose.
She was already up talking on the phone with who I assumed was Tom.
“You’re back together?” Rose mouthed ‘O-M-G’ rolling her eyes, “Yes we’re fine over here, but it’s half past seven babe we have to open the shop!”
I laughed we’d always sorta known that they would figure out their issues and get back together. That’s when I heard my phone buzzing. I ran over and picked up without reading the name, “Hello?”
“Em?”
“Aidan?”
“Yea, listen I have news,” he began slowly for him, “I got a modeling gig.”
“That’s amazing!” I screeched. Then realizing how unattractive this must sound, I coughed, “Really great Aidan,” I finished.
“It’s in New York”
Cold swept through me. “Oh.”
“It’s only for a couple of months!”
“Yes, and it’s not like we were anything,” I said quickly before he said that to me, and hurt me even more.
“Um, well, I guess not then babe” Aidan said a little sad.
“Come visit when you’re back I’ve never been to New York I want to hear everything.” I said falsely cheerful.
“Will do then,” Aidan mumbled lamely.
“Chap I have to run, the café’s about to open. Have a lovely time! Talk soon,” I ended the conversation and hung up.
“Was that Aidan?” Rose asked me.
“Yup, guess where he’s modeling for two months?”
“Where?”
“New York.”
“Guess where Ollie’s going on tour for the next five months?”
“Oh Rose I’m so sorry,” I said my heart aching for her loss.
“No it’s good, we were never going to work anyway.” Rose said brushing it aside. “We have to go now! It’s fifteen till!”
~~~***~~~
Emily and I didn’t talk about the boys leaving for the rest of the day. And that night we watched some tv with wine, and gossiped about Tom and Simons relationship. The next day was fine, we went to visit Christine after work and she was so big she couldn’t leave her bed accept for the bathroom. It was like a sitcom. Her husband Luke would run around trying to help her with everything and she much the feminist would holler she could do it and then grumble at myself or Emily for help.
Ollie came to say goodbye but I didn’t want to hear what he had to say, and I didn’t want him to say anything he regretted so I had Emily go tell him I was unwell. He waited for a whole hour and then left. I cried in the tub that night. Emily brought me wine and nutella and I ate and drank it all before puking and going to bed.
The next day at work was absolute hell. Emily was wearing thin. She was staying strong for me I knew but she needed to start believing in herself and that wasn’t happening. So that night, a Thursday with full knowledge we would have to be up at 5am for a 7am opening I told Emily we should go out. Emily shrugged and mentioned something about going to see a counselor. Apparently she’d talked to Christine that day and she’d given her the money for a counselor/therapist type person. I was shocked and happy all at the same time. A hour after Emily left she came back yelling about nosey assholes and fucking her own personal business was not to be messed with those little asshole bitches.
“So let’s go out then?” I called laughing.
“Fuck yea we’re going out!” Emily called. “You’re wearing your black dress!”
“Oh no!” I groaned. But I knew I would have to wear it. Emily was in one of her moods.
“You know what I haven’t had in forever?” Emily yelled at me.
“What? Sushi? I’ve been meaning to look for a place over by –“ Emily cut me off before I could tell her about a couple places I was thinking of trying.
“Sex!”
“Are you sure that’s wise Em?” I called cautiously. One needed to tread with caution around Emily, she could be goofy and shy when she wanted but around me, she decided I wasn’t worth the trouble and yelled. Well, not yelled. Emily yelling is raising her voice above what’s normal. Me yelling am like a siren. But still. Emily didn’t yell that often. I put on some Arctic Monkeys and we sang and pregamed to our hearts contents. Emily was right. Tonight would be physical therapy night.
The first time I had sex was with a boy who was a year younger than me, and it lasted maybe a minute. After that we fucked a couple more times, but he couldn’t go longer than four minutes. And he had no idea what was going on down there. It was like a robot. I’d broken up with him and gone abroad and forgotten about boys and experienced myself. Now was time to get my sexy on.
After two pregame shots I yelled over the music, “Em let’s goo!”
Giggling we ran and got into a cab, at the club Emily and I decided we were going to be different people. I was Izzy, and she was Leia because she was a nerd and a star wars fan. Walking up to the bar all confident we ordered cosmos and turned to survey the crowd.
On a Thursday night the crowd wasn’t as buoyant and full as we would have liked. After talking with maybe two of the boys there we met back up at the bar faith in attractive men lost.
“Another cosmo?” A deep voice asked. Emily looked up. I was fiddling with my purse looking for a lighter, I needed a smoke.
Apparently this is what Emily saw, longer hair, shoulder length and olive face. Wide smile and fit, fit FIT. “Yes please,” Emily giggled.
“Who’s this for?” Mr. Fit asked.
“Em-Leia.”
“Emleia? That’s pretty.”
“You can call her Leia for short, the whole things a mouthful” I said trying to keep a straight face. “I will have another cosmo as well please.” Mr. Fit walked away and Emily punched me in the arm, hard. “Owwwww” “It’s because I love you IZZY.” Emily stared daggers at me.
“okay sorry! Didn’t I help you keep your cover though?” I whispered.
Mr. Fit was back with our drinks. I took mine and motioned smoking at Emily who shook her head turning to smile at Mr. Fit Man. Laughing I walked outside to the smoking section.
“Really sorry to ask this but do you happen to have an extra cig?” A gravely voice asked. I turned and looked up into bright blue eyes, and short brown hair. Round face and proper Brit to boot, I was smitten. “Sure,” I dug in my purse and handed one to the guy.
“Light?”
As I was lighting his cig I asked, “So what’s your name? I’m Izzy.”
“Finn,” He said looking at me in a odd way.
“What?” I said suddenly self conscious.
“Nothing. It’s not normally I steal cigs from pretty girls.”
I burst out laughing so loudly other “cool” smokers turned and glared.
“No please, keep giving me horrible pick up lines, I love it,” I chortled.
“It’s true,” Finn chuckled.
“Alright, if it is, I’m going to eat the cherry out of this and I hate these cherries.” I wagered.
“How does one prove this?” Finn asked his blue eyes glimmering.
“I don’t know.. “ I mused. Looking around for inspiration to hit.
“Would you like to dance?”
“Yes.”
And we danced until I saw Emily leaving with Mr. Fit, texting me that his name was Jack, and she wouldn’t be coming home. We danced until we were the last of maybe ten people. When the music shut off and the lights turned on, we grinned at eachother.
“Back to mine?” Finn asked.
“Mine,” I answered. One of us had to be up for the bakery tomorrow. Thank god Joe would be there at 6:30 cooking.
We left leaving memories of kisses and smiles on the dance floor.
Kissing Finn wasn’t like I imagined kissing a boy I liked. But then I didn’t really, really like him. I just liked his smile and his eyes, and his tall fit frame wasn’t terrible either. I felt awkward and was grateful for the alcohol to get me going.
~~~***~~
I awoke gasping and sitting up reaching for my phone I saw it was 6am in the morning. Leaning over and kissing Jack I grabbed my clothes and ran outside to hail a cab. Jack definitely was no Aidan, but he worked out fine. There just wasn’t any passion. He was good looking yes, but not the best in the bedroom. However he did feel the need to put hickeys on my neck, that was looked like a map of Africa.
Running into the café Rose saw me and burst into laughter.
“Laugh all you want but where’s tall and handsome?”
“His name is Finn and he’s asleep upstairs,” Rose blushed deep red.
“We both got some dude I’m so proud,” I high fived her turning to see Tom and Simon walking in laughing and kissing.
Everything seemed to be slowly coming together. Maybe all I needed was time, and random hookups.
~~~~~*******~~~~
MORE TO COME SORRY ITS SO SMALL
What a babe.
