There once was a scrawny, freckled girl. How pretty her face was didn’t matter to her until others passed judgment. Her name was Holly, not Brainy and not Faith. She went through a lot of pain young and would fall asleep crying some nights praying to God for a friend to help her when she got lonely. She didn’t create fictional worlds with characters, but rather she made the best with the hand she had been dealt. She vowed to never let a friend suffer if she could help at all. She was shy, insecure, and miserably awkward. Although she was all these things she was non-judgmental, and loved people with all her heart. Her heart was soft, tender, and young. She forced herself to join her high school swim team, and not quit no matter how out-of-place she felt. God granted her wish, and not only was she a part of a swim team, but also accepted as a member of a friend-group. They made her happy; made her laugh. They laughed at her jokes, and made her feel accepted when all her heart needed was acceptance. She loved them all for that. No matter what anyone of them needed, she would be there for them. She would jump off a mother-fucking bridge for anyone of them, because they answered her prayers. She didn’t like how they were divided into categories. She saw each one of them as they were. Faulted, but beautiful, and she loved them for it. Carolyn was egotistical and had a tendency to put people in boxes, but she had the most beautiful soul. Her soul was protective, caring, loving, and deadly. Her ego was part of her personality and made many conversations fucking hilarious and unique, and the way she viewed the world and people was the most unique and interesting (although occasionally frightening) Holly had yet to encounter. Sage could be stubborn, rude, and spit pure venom when mad, but her heart was made of the purest gold. Sage was loyal, loving, kind-hearted, and sensitive despite the shell she put up. Holly saw through that and loved her for her weaknesses and her faults. Holly thought of Sage’s “weaknesses” as strengths. She was sensitive enough to still have the ability to love, and strong enough to defend herself and those she cared about. She was never afraid to “man-up” and play the bitch when shit needed to get done. Bitches get shit done. *gif of Amy Poler and Tina Fey high-fiving* All Holly wanted was for Sage to fall asleep happy at night. She was her Asgardian brother, and they both knew what it felt like to be ostracized for factors they couldn’t control (skin color/appearance/gender). Sage deserved to be happy, but has to work to make herself happy just like every other person. Like JR says to me when I cry because you are in pain, “Never let anyone steal your joy”. Sage was beautiful. Finally there was Olivia. Holly had the most in common with Olivia, but for some reason she never felt as close to her as she would like. They had both gone through a parental divorce, and dealt with other children being the favorite in their household. Holly always wanted to help Olivia, but never knew how. Olivia held up hundreds of different masks, charmed people, and knew how to get attention when she wanted it. Olivia was evasive, and non-confrontational which was essentially the opposite of Holly’s clumsy, up-front, open attitude about things. Holly loved Olivia, as an equal. Olivia had a creative, intelligent mind that provided plenty of interesting topics, and never became bored. The world Olivia created was entrancing and mesmerizing. Olivia was beautiful, and sometimes when saying how large her breasts were in the locker room or getting compliments on her contact-colored eyes, Holly would feel insecure. This is when Holly first noticed her looks mattered to how people viewed her. Carolyn left to New York, and the three remaining girls stayed close with numerous sleep-overs, endless hang-outs, and always having a project in the works. All was good. Olivia got a boyfriend named Steven, and Steven became good friends with Holly. All was good. Sage and Olivia had drama. They fought over petty things when their personalities would collide. Olivia had other friends, and sometimes painted Sage to be mean, irrational, and un-kind to them. Sage felt threatened and jealous of her new friends, and thus employed her proactive outer bitch defense coat when near them. All was not good. It got worse and worse. Olivia would often not invite Holly, and sometimes not even Sage when she hung out with others. It hurt sometimes. Holly felt unwanted by Olivia, but her love for the girl remained. Olivia liked Sage romantically, Sage liked Olivia romantically, and their drama escalated ten-fold. Holly was officially the biggest third-wheel of the century, but it didn’t matter much. Olivia never saw Holly. Holly ate lunch alone her whole senior year, but never minded much. She had been lonely before. Both girls were miserable form what they did to each to other, and Holly never knew what to do. Olivia broke Steven’s heart through a letter one day. Olivia was unhappy with Steven; too much pressure, they were incompatible, and she confessed her romantic affection for Sage in the letter. The break-up was inevitable, and Olivia was right to do it rather than lead him on. Holly cared for Steven and never wanted him to be in that much pain, so she took care of him. Holly’s weakness is pain to those she cares about. She feels it as if it was her own, and cannot help but to try and take care of the wounded. Sage and Olivia began dating. For a time they were happy, and almost all was good. Holly began to fall for Steven and hated herself for it. She began to loathe herself for her traitorous feelings, and thought it was impossible to be loved. She felt guilty for liking this kind boy; like her heart was breaking some code. It felt some days as if her friends didn’t even care about her because they were too wrapped-up in their high-intensity love-hate drama. Olivia swore to Holly that she would be happy if Holly and Steven began dating. Allegedly she even said when she was dating Steven that she would be okay with it. People pressured Holly, and so she did. Holly cared for Steven’s broken heart, and the more she fell for him the less guilt she felt. All was good for a few days. Sage and Olivia were both insecure and needed attention. Sage’s temper and grudges caused Olivia pain, and Olivia’s non-confrontational nature and supposed preference for her “new” friends over her “old” friend’s caused Sage pain. Sage didn’t treat Olivia how she deserved to be treated, and did so on multiple occasions, however Olivia was guilty of the very same crime. They grew distant and cried a lot. Holly cried too, and for a brief period she felt she couldn’t forgive Olivia for continuously wounding these two beautiful souls. Olivia showed others in her class text messages between Sage and her, and would text Steven late at night “Am I a bad person?” This made Holly feel insecure. Olivia posted a picture of Steven on instagram; more insecurity and feelings that no one could possibly love her. It took months for Holly to accept that Steven really did like her and only her in spite of Olivia’s ability to gain other’s attention when she felt the need for it. Holly mourned for Sage’s sufferings and tried to tend to her wounds whenever she needed. Anytime of night or day, she just wanted Sage to smile genuinely again. Olivia ended regular contact with Holly, it became rare, and Holly felt like the friendship was lost. She felt as if Olivia didn’t really like her, and never did because she stopped talking to her and forgot about her so easily. Sage was still suffering immensely, and her moods were unpredictable. The two eventually came to a conclusion to cut off all ties. Olivia replaced Sage and Holly in her Hunger Games production, and Sage began the long process of patching together her heart as she packed up her belongings for New York. The healing could finally begin and pain could stop; only if they chose it to. I couldn’t bear to write it in a romantic, fairy-tale story or with fake names. I have never written anything with so little imagination or romance; however this story has been disguised and covered with too many disillusioning filters. It needed to be told without vague fanciful analogies and references. No one is solely a demon just as no one is solely a victim. This is real life and not a fucking fairy tale or summer melodrama. Every one of us is strong, and can live through this without self-harm or suicide. This is not over. I apologize for posting this online, but don’t worry; I only have like 8 followers. I’ll take it down if you wish. No more lies or hiding. Now excuse me while I try to forget about this Gossip Girl marathon that has become my life and try to sleep for a few hours. I have to wake up at 7 to pee in a cup for work. I still love all you guys, and you all have a place in my heart that will never, ever be filled. The time we have spent togeth
