#ripclem

[ahavti]

Today I was driving, With the aroma surrounding me, Cigarette smoke mixed with gasoline, As I drank my Starbucks, I realized, That you are still written all over this town, And all I can take with me is a memory, As I leave and move away from here, Away from this hell.

[ahavti]

And then it was March 28th, and I had no clue today I would lose my best friend when I was up at midnight at this time 4 years ago doing calculus HW thinking that I would wake up in the morning, go to class, then go to work and then go home...it was just supposed to be another normal Monday.

[ahavti]

I miss you. God my mom is going crazy and I knew I could always text you and vent and you’d understand completely because your mom was the same way (still so thankful you got adopted with all your biological siblings, still remember the story you told me about the first meal you had in your new home). I fucking miss you. I wish I could fast forward to Sunday, but I can’t. Can’t believe it’ll be 4 years, still feels like yesterday walking in to that office and…fuck

probably should find something else to do

[ahavti]

i’m trying. i’ve been trying. all week. trying not to think about how you had no clue that this was your last week alive ever. how you just lived everyday this week like you would still be alive next week. like you would be unpacking at your new house. and in a few weeks be packing to go to israel for the very first time. how next week in nap room you’d be asking me even more questions about israel. i’ve been trying not to think about it all. i’ve tried getting out of the house today and yesterday. ive tried distracting myself as much as i can, not focusing on the fact that saturday marks 4 years. trying to focus that on saturday, while i’ll be in the building, i’ll be in the building with becca. and not stand outside of the office where we found you. 

god. 4 years.

i’m trying, trying to cope with this and so much more, but you aren’t here, and tbh one of the things that  would help the most right now is a hug from you. 

as one of our favorite artists sings- we all want what we ain’t got

[ahavti]

That song on the radio I haven’t moved from bed in 17 hours But I’m bawling. People got there ways of coping, and damn I’ve got mine. I can’t change the radio station

[ahavti]

I can't believe it's been almost four years, I still sometimes can only see my tears, I've healed a little but the ache is still there, I have learned in some ways that the pain is something that I can bear, So many answers I still do seek, Thinking about them makes me feel weak, I still long for the same things I did when you went, Leaving me feeling really out of shape and just very bent, My life is finally straightening out, As I slowly find the right route, With you watching me from up high, Even though I still wish for that last good-bye, This time of year is always kind of tough, Remembering you and other stuff, But lucky for me you've sent some special people my way, And they're there for me when I miss you both night and day, It still hurts a lot but I'm getting through, As they help me realize that in my heart there will always be a place for you.

I miss you...a lot...

[ahavti]

tonight, I long for one more hug from you. one more hug. But I realize that's too much to ask, so instead I hurt and cry. I miss you so much. I can't believe Wednesday night starts the hebrew date of which marks 4 years. It just hurts. So much.

[ahavti]

kinda sorta really sucks when like the only person you want to talk to is 10 feet under ground. god i miss you. you're the only person i want to talk to recently, but that's not an option, so i try not to push others away. just really sucks, especially at night time.