I finally matched with a guy who seemed okay.
He was a strong Christian, Korean American, and a year older than me.
One of his photos was at a place that I had also been, so once we matched, I (uncharacteristically) 먼저 말 걸었어 asking if it was where I thought it was.
Turned out it was, and we ended up chatting for quite some time.
He lived in the same area for much longer than me and offered to be my tour guide.
I had my reservations about him but he sent me his license to prove his age and also his naturalization certificate to show me where he was - on two different days, far enough apart for me not to be suspicious.
With his positive, upbeat attitude and sincere, thoughtful questions, it finally got to a point where I felt a little comfortable with giving him my number.
I was deciding when to let him know that he had worn down my defenses when I suddenly had to go back to Korea because of my father.
Ever since going back to Korea, my dad hadn’t been feeling well. Eventually he 입원했어 and after about 3 weeks, in the span of a week, they found he had a cerebral aneurysm which progressed to hydrocephalus, and then a cyst which turned out to be a tumor and then suddenly spread throughout the brain at a speed that the doctors had never seen before.
My sister had been recording what the doctors said to them so that I could explain it to them in a way that they understood, and once I understood the gravity of the situation, I was torn between whether to go for his funeral or to go now to teach mom and my sis how to take care of him before he passed. I decided the latter made more sense because the funeral is for other people whereas if I went now, it would be for his care which is why I became a nurse in the first place. I booked my ticket and was getting ready, when…
I woke up one morning to a bunch of missed calls and texts from my mom, sis, and BIL.
Got in touch with my sis and she tells me to get on the next plane because my dad took a turn for the worst - his O2 demand kept increasing and making him unstable.
“Oh, and btw… 큰아빠 just passed away too…”
He had recently broken his hip and was in the hospital waiting surgery when a fat embolism hit and he had an MI. He had also been crying for weeks since my dad was hospitalized, “동생을 어떻게 먼저 보내~”
I drove down to my BIL’s house to grab my dad’s favorite suit and got on the next plane to Korea, praying that he would wait for me before he passed.
Luckily I got to Korea in time. I was able to clean up his body and make him feel comfortable before he took his last breath, just four hours after I got there, and two days after his big brother had gone first to pave the way.
I’m so grateful that I was there to be able to take care of things - contacting his friends, funeral arrangements, 삼일장, embalmment, burial… One bit of silver lining is that I was able to redeem myself to a lot of people who thought I was a 깍쟁이 brat! Seeing how well I handled everything and took care of things by myself (“like the son mom and dad never had”) made people see me in a different light. I feel like I got my redemption and that everyone finally sees me for who I really am, which is one of the reasons why I became a nurse. Mission success! Thank you, God.
RIP daddy, I miss you and love you so much. Thank you for everything. You gave up everything for us. I will never forget that and will do everything in my power to honor you and your wishes.
So… during this dark time, I was surprised to see J reach out to me.
When I left, I had texted him from my phone (he had given me his number a while ago but I never had a given him mine), telling him that the tour would have to wait as I had to go to Korea all of a sudden because my dad took a turn for the worst (he knew that he was sick in the hospital and that I was planning on going).
He had some very kind words, and then a few weeks later, sent me a sermon that he thought I might like, followed by a CCM song about a week later.
I was touched by his consistency and contacted him when I got back.
After numerous deep conversations via text and phone, I agreed to meet him for a date.
Against my better judgment, I let him pick me up at my place. My friends pointed out that since I was moving soon, it would be okay.
He came by with a bottle of wine and cake.
“Is this your way of inviting yourself over after our dinner and movie?”
His bday had just passed and he found out that my bday was not too long ago, either, so he said it was “solely for me to enjoy.”
We had an early dinner at a cute Italian place near my house and then went to a cafe for coffee/tea.
Great conversation but after an hour with another hour to go before the movie started, I got antsy so we decided to hot box in his car lol
Bad idea. I guess I forgot how paranoid I get when I smoke.
I started to freak out, wondering what would happen if he tried to use his strength against me.
But there’s something I should tell you about him before that.
He confided to me a week or so before we met that he suffered from moyamoya disease and had had a stroke which left his left hand and foot paralyzed.
He said he could walk fine but could only text with his right hand.
It threw me off but I came to terms and was fine with it.
When he picked me up, I noticed him limping but he also said he had hurt his knee so maybe that was it, but then everywhere we went, he would only park in the handicap spot, leading me to believe that the limp was his baseline and not a result of the recent knee pain.
Surely, I could take on a hemiplegic?
Also, side note. Ever since we ate, he had this black piece of something - I’m guessing a spice - stuck in his teeth. I wanted to tell him but I’m really bad at bringing that kind of stuff up. I just let it bother me and ruin my whole image of that person. I know, it’s horrible.
So anyway, up until this point, I was evaluating whether I would be able to handle his hemiplegia and leaning positive because we really clicked emotionally. He checked a lot of my other boxes that were more important, like being a strong Christian and being vocal about how much he cares for and appreciates me. But you know how when you smoke, 사람 내면이 나와? Well, the 내면 of his that I saw wasn’t great. He kinda did a 180 and wasn’t as nice as before and only seemed interested in making out when I was trying to tell him a story.
Since I’m skeeved out by how fast he turned creepy and not really feeling it, I figure I’ll experiment. Let’s not tell him about that thing stuck in his teeth and see how he reacts to it when he gets home and finds out he had that in there all night. Will he be confident enough to brush it off, tell me, and laugh about it? Or will he just be embarrassed and never talk to me again? Or will he pretend like it never happened? Or will he never know that it was there cuz he brushes his teeth as soon as he gets home? Lol
We watched a movie (which he changed last minute -_-), during which he kept trying to kiss me but I tried to stay focused on the screen.
Afterwards, he drove me home and we were sitting in the car - him trying to find some way to get me to let him up and me trying to say goodbye.
I let him have a little fun with me - it never gets old hearing a guy gush about how hot your body is :p - but despite my trying to keep it PG-13 and saying no to his advances, he kept trying to push me further. Honestly, I was a liiiiiiiiitle bit tempted cuz it’s been a long time and I was super horny. But I didn’t want him to think that he could buy his way into my house with a cheap bottle of wine and cake from Publix. Puh-lease. I have more self respect than that.
I started to get annoyed and told him to cool it - and he would, only to try again five mins later.
At some point I got tired of hearing his begging and said goodbye and got out of the car.
He called me after I walked inside and he got back on the road, but he kept saying how he wanted to turn back around and to let him in.
After about a bajillion no’s and 하지마’s, I hung up on him.
He usually sends me a song to wake up to with a good morning text, but there was none the next day.
Just a few casual texts here and there, usually only lasting one or two exchanges.
Is it embarrassment from finding out he had that spice stuck in his teeth?
Did he lose interest cuz I didn’t sleep with him on the first date? Although he did say how endearing he found that I was so “shy” despite our racy texts.
Does he think I rejected him cuz of his hemiplegia?
The dark side I saw of him is enough to make me lose interest so it doesn’t really matter.
What I do know is that I was able to hold my own.
I used to be afraid to be vocal or disagree or push back against the grain, but apparently, not anymore. I was able to voice how I feel and advocate for myself.
I think it must be from nursing. Ever since I started nursing and learned to advocate for my patient, I feel like that made it easier to advocate for myself.
I was also able to resist physical temptation. Old me would’ve given in to the sexual tension and brought him upstairs, but I knew that the physical connection would strengthen our emotional connection and I didn’t trust him enough to let that happen yet. I tried to explain this to him multiple times but he didn’t seem to understand. *shrug
As bad as it makes me feel, I’m kind of glad that I don’t have to deal with the burden of… him.
I miss the connection we shared, because I really thought he might be the one, but the small bits that he showed me of his dark side were real eye openers. I think you always gotta trust your gut instinct.
I don’t know if i still believe him to be out there…
The original, hopeful part of me does,
but the old, jaded side of me wonders if the reason why I always cried at weddings was because I knew I would never get one…
No… that’s not true… I don’t believe that.
I believe I will find love.
That was the other thing.
The reason why I thought he might be the one is because I met him after I started praying 배우자 기도.
이번은 아니었지만 it was also a great opportunity to help me learn more about myself in a relationship.
Paving the way towards the final one?
