#ripjerritt

[malloryknoxbabe]

Going to visit your grave on your birthday. October 28th. I miss you everyday. If this is the only way I can see where you are, then so be it.

[malloryknoxbabe]

If I Died Tonight...

You know, all of this stuff with my first love, Jerritt Van Es ( n6jlv ) passing away has really got me thinking. In the past, I’ve written things about how I’d want to be remembered, but all of them were borderline suicide calls for help. I think the time has come to make one when I’m a serious frame of mind, and not just as a cryptic post that can be interpreted in many ways. So here goes…

If I Died Tonight…

I think that no amount of tears and meager writings could be put in to words to describe the pain that is contrived from losing someone you love. They can never even scratch the surface of relief. I want to be remembered by all the things I tried. All the things I stood up for. All the things and people I believed in. If I ever called you a mean, or even crass, name or got a little too touchy, it’s because I loved you. I have always had a weird way of expressing affection, and unfortunately, not a lot of people can see it as such. 

You could die and any minute, you know?

You could die in the middle of something as insignificant as just another night’s sleep. You could die before all of that sumptuous potential has been tapped into. That’s the beauty of life, but it’s also the tragedy. Unpredictability and uncertainty are the parts that are worth living, but confuse the hell out of you. You will never die feeling satisfied because there will always be things left unsaid and left undone.

So if I died tonight… please forgive yourself for anything horrible you’ve done to me, because I have forgiven you. If you ever gave me the time of day, no matter how things ended, I will always be indebted to you. Because more often than not, you made me a different person. And I quite like myself. 

So thanks. I love you.